The Horror.... The Horror.....

Just call me Captain Willard (or Marlowe) because Dolphins are my Colonel Kurtz. I'll punch mirrors, travel up river, listen to the Stones with "Larry" Fishburne and surf on a hot LZ just to get at those freaking haughty maritime mammals. Even though I can't use Avid or Final Cut or whatever else nerds use to make their own Star Wars tribute movies with Jawas, I would like to create Apocalypse Now Redux, Redux. It would be 99.9% the same as the normal Apocalypse Now Redux, including the hot French Bitch Willard bangs at the plantation, with one exception: You know the scene where Kurtz' army goes into that orgiastic ritual culminating in hacking the hell out of that cow? Yeah - you know - the one that tormented your childhood (if your parents were dumb enough, like mine, to let you watch FREAKING APOCALYPSE NOW AT AGE SEVEN)... To create Apocalypse Now Redux, Redux, I would take that scene and put in a CGI dolphin. Yep. Hack the hell out of a dolphin instead.

Hold on a second... Strike that. I would REFILM THE WHOLE SCENE at a massive expense and then Really Hack the Hell out of an actual dolphin. How great would that be? Enhance a true piece of American art by eliminating bovine violence and adding some harmless fun AND the actual opportunity to take cleavers and machetes to a real live killer dolphin. Brilliant.

But there still would be a tad of CGI. When the dolphin finally falls to it's knees, er, flipper (?) I'd put a little computer explosion shockwave ring - because if I knew I made a great movie and CGI shockwave technology didn't exist at the time I made it, damn skippy I'd go back later and add a CGI shockwave despite the fact that a shockwave indicates an atmosphere and space doesn't have... what's it called? Oh yeah - an atmosphere.