New Zealand is Opening the Gates of Hell

For all those who relish the rapture, I've got great news for you: Due to the actions of certain New Zealanders, the apocalypse may very well be upon us.  For any of these fools to think that swimming with a playful dolphin on holiday is a great idea, you're doing it wrong.  It's a horrible idea.  It is fraught with peril and dangerous.  That and it will unleash the full powers of the four horsemen - Rape, Vegemite, Pestilence and Non-Alcoholic Beer.  Swimming with a dolphin is the same as eating at Red Lobster.  It looks like a good idea on TV but the experience is so much worse, you'll end up sick and probably violated anally.  

So if this dolphin sharing behavior continues, the antichrist will reveal themselves to the world and commence judgement.  Just your luck though, I happen to have the inside scoop on this.  I know the identity of the antichrist:  Tilda Swinton.

This kinda makes sense, doesn't it?  She's fairly terrifying looking, is a ginger kid and has acted in some terrible movies.  That sounds sorta antichristy behavior to me, doesn't it?  

Alright.  Back to making love to my sweet new fiance, Heidi Montag and her fake cans, face, eyes, calves, hair, cheekbones, chin, toenails, labia, earlobes and duodenum.  

Oh crap - I'm fucking a robot.

OH SNAP! I WANT THIS!

Honeywell (NYSE: HON) is one of the world's foremost manufacturers of thermostats, automobile parts and that's right - weapon systems.  Imagine my delight when it was announced the Honeywell partnered with Microsoft to create this bad boy:

The Honeywell Dolphin 7850... 

Set this bad boy to "char broil" and commence the slaughter.  It took them long enough to create an actually functioning Star Trek (TM) style phaser gun thingybob.  I mean, look at all the sweet buttons and touch screen.  This thing just screams "let's toast us some Tribbles" or "look out, humpbacks, I got me a laser gun!"  God I want one... how much are they?  

Two Hours Later:  Um.  After a cease and desist email from the fine lawyers at Cadawalalalader, Wickersham, Haversham, Taft, Skadden, Arps, McKinsey & Co., I must (1) remove all mention of the above product and (2) note to my readers that this is indeed a barcode scanner and not, I repeat NOT a raygun.

I'm severely disappointed and will have to go back to the old way of killing dolphins:  A 2'x4' with a couple 16 penny nails through the end.

My life, so full of vibrance and vivacity and other "v" words, has suddenly become fallow and barren, like most  girl's uteruses.  Uterii?  Uterae?  

I'll have to look that up.