Susan Cheever is Commie Pinko Dolphin Rat

One of the top articles emailed in the Paper of Record, err... the Grey Lady.... er, the leftist radical tax and spend democratic New York Times was by Susan Cheever.  This article is so full of crap and lies and mistruths and the basic elimination of fun that I did some "fact finding" (read: warrantless wiretaps) on Susan Cheever.  Welly well well well... much to my chagrin and not to my surprise, a shocking truth emerged.  I guess you'll just have to read the transcript:

NYT Editor: Listen, Susan, I really need you to undermine the power of the Federal Government.  We only have a month until our overlord is installed and all the minorities get millions of dollars from 300% tax increases on corporations.  But every second a patriot like George Bush is in office is a second we must use to be subversive.  I want you to call our friends in Communist China and Cuba to see if they can send some operatives.  By the way, great job slandering all the hard working investment bankers.

Susan Cheever:  Eeep!  Eeeep!  Brururururururur chrrrrrrrrrrrr POP!  

NYT Editor: That's right.  I want the op-ed to reflect -

Susan Cheever: Icky icky icky!

NYT Editor: Exactly, thank the vast right wing conspiracy called the silent majority for allowing us the entrance into this most devious of plots.  Also, don't forget to shit upon Jesus.  All praise Allah!

Susan Cheever: ping ping ping zip Allah!

NYT Editor:  I know.  I can't wait until the US finds it's true place in the world as an Islamic dictatorship under Pervez Al'Raish Ibn Hussein Ibn Barack Ibn Obama Bin Ibn Ibn

Susan Cheever: eckeckeckeck prrrrrrrrrrrrip!

NYT Editor: Good job, Susan.  Keep the elite in check.  Keep the masses subjugated.  I promise you this.  The Gulf of Mexico will be your private Caliphate.

Wiretap Engineer: Bye!

NYT Editor:  Bye!... Wait, did you just say "bye"?  Fuck!  Abort!  They're on to -----

Yep. She's a dolphin...  Susan Cheever in her one "woman" effort to end drunken revelry, which by the way infuses much needed capital into the world economy and much needed cirrhosis into my liver, is conspiring with the management of the New York Times to overthrow that most American of ideals:  Getting shitcanned and telling everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, exactly "what you think".

Screw you, Cheever and the buoy you swam in on.

(By the way - in retrospect, saying "bye" while illegally wiretapping someone probably wasn't in my best interests...)

Bloomberg to Seek Third Anti-Dolphin Term as Mayor

Huzzah!  Bloomberg's gonna run again.  He's using the old "we're in a financial crisis and the city needs a steady and experienced hand routine," to which I concur.  But we all know it's to complete his already stellar program of dolphin extermination.  By cleaning up our rivers and harbor, Mike has encouraged dolphins to venture further into New York's waterways than ever before - even so far as the Gowanus Canal.  Thus, Mike's pro-environmental tactics have brought the murder of these murderers into the reach of everyday and casual New York dolphin murderer's murder.  Why the other day I was down at the Battery, near the Holocaust Museum (in an irony that was not lost on me) where I spied with my little eye something that starts with "P".  Right there, within spitting distance was a porpoise.  Quick like a bunny I ran to a street vendor and bought two Sabrett's with mustard.  Well known fact, the blowholes don't like Hebrew National hot dogs.  I tossed one Sabrett about 20 feet out while the other frank was dropped a mere 4 feet in front of me in the water.  With the all-beef goodness creating an ET-esque trail, sans Reese's Pieces, the porp. swam slowly an inexorably closer.  Momentarily borrowing i.e. stealing a broom handle from a local street cleaner, I taped a plastic butter knife to the end for a makeshift harpoon.  Taking careful aim, I Queequeg'd the weapon and it found it's home, solid and true, lodged within the blowhole of the fearsome predator.  Leaping over the promenade's railing into the water, I grasped the spear and rattled it around within the blowhole, causing an uncomfortable plastic butter knife serration chafing.  The beast cried in dismay and turned towards the ocean, flippering as fast as it's flippers can flipper.  Then it got hit by the Circle Line and flailed helplessly.  A local kayaker, taking advantage of Mikey's newly cleaned Hudson River, towed the ailing beast towards the shore.  Identifying myself as a marine biologist, I grabbed the fish and beat it to death with a rock.  Unsympathetic onlookers began to verbally assail me from the shore but I defused the situation by saying I was an expert and flashing my badge (from Cookie Crisp, ca. 1984).  

In short, thank you Mike for making the killing of fish easier and within grasp (quite literally) of the average New Yorker and here's to one more successful and bloody term.

Wrecking the Environment Bait and Switch

As an instrument of environmental destruction, nothing really comes close to the Automobile. Just think of the resources, greed and inefficiency involved in transporting one person in an encased two ton shell of steel. It's stellar! The carbon footprint of just shipping the iron ore to a smelting plant must be like 3,654.3 times higher than taking a subway for a year! I love it. Then compound that with producing the things, the petrochemicals involved in the plastics, shipping the car to the dealer... all of this just so one person can get a latte at 3:45am in La Jolla! I freaking love it.

So imagine my dismay, while reading about the design chief at a notorious world wrecker, Mercedes-Benz, I come across this quote:

The F700 exaggerates even further the sweeping bananalike body curve of the CLS. Mr. Wagener said it took its form from dolphins. “It was inspired by nature and hydrodynamics,” he said.

Really? Fucking Really? I'm having fun reading about the conspicuous waste of the earth's resources and the selfish (read: AWESOME) needs of people to basically drive the net value of the GDP of Malawi to Whole Foods to feel good about the fact that they are the richest people in the history of mankind - I mean EVER - richest in food, money, health, gold chains, blood diamonds, jade hood ornaments, ball gags... And then the fucking liberal media has to go and fuck it up by placing a design language based on nature and dolphins in (irony alert) the most unnatural and nature hating (therefore dolphin hating) mode of conveyance ever. Disappointing, to say the least.

As a result, I've been setting extra Hummer fires lately. After I drive them for like 1,000 miles, pour a whole bunch o' CO into the atmosphere, I set their auras free - by dousing with gasoline (win) and having them burn (win win) letting further plastics (win win win) into the atmosphere and rendering the steel completely unusable in the future (win win win win). Super environmental rapery quadrafecta, complete.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/24/automobiles/24BENZ.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Screw You New York Times - or - There, I Fixed That For You!

So the vaunted Grey Lady, that collection of fags known as the New York Times, published this editorial applauding the douches in California for stopping the Navy from breaking some dolphin eardrums, old school Irish Gang curbing style:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/19/opinion/19tue2.html

Below is my edited version - that is to say - how it should have read if not written by granola freaks.

Editorial

Whales, Dolphins, Sonar and the Courts

Published: August 19, 2008

We were fucking pissed to learn that the Navy and conservation groups have reached a liberal tree hugging court-approved settlement that allows the service barely any opportunity to test its low-frequency sonar systems and not fuck with, as we should the habitats of marine life that can’t tolerate loud underwater sound because they're pussies. Sometimes compromise and good sense go out the fucking window. So it is especially awesome that the Bush administration is still trying to block the courts’ ability to mediate future agreements between the military and environmentalists.

The vigilantly anti-regulatory Bush administration told the Navy that it could test its sonar in more than 70 percent of the world’s ocean area which is freaking sweet. It claimed that training on the loud, low-frequency devices, which can detect submarines at great distances, was important to national security and that any environmental damage would be minimal so I suggested that they turn it up to 11. However, the same sound waves that can detect distant submarines can also bombard marine habitats (cool!), near and far (even better), disrupting the activities of whales (yes), dolphins (FUCKING HELL YES!!!) and other acoustically sensitive creatures like the narwhal which is a fucking homo anyway.

(Un)Fortunately, the Natural Resources Defense Council and other organizations sued to rein in the exercises, and a federal court in fucking dirty hippie California issued injunctions and supplied the judicial muscle to force a mediated settlement. The agreement, approved this month, still allows the Navy to test its sonar in large areas in the Northwestern Pacific and around Hawaii while carving out segments that are critically important for marine life which is a total shame - I said nail the whole Pacific upon a cross of coral with sonar being the nails, and the Navy being the Romans, and Dolphins being Jesus, except without resurrection, which didn't happen anyway because we know people can't do that in the first place, Son of God or not. Hey God! Put my blood back in and restart my vitals. God's like, uh, no can do there tiger - shit I've derailed - Back to fucking with the Liberal Times.

Both sides have expressed satisfaction with the result except I wasn't polled. Dicks. That hasn’t stopped the administration’s perfectly radical efforts to sidestep the courts in a separate case on the use of midfrequency sonar off the coast of Southern California.

A federal district court and federal appeals court in California have ordered the Navy to adopt strong measures to protect marine life during the exercises which apparently involves banning the sonar that fucks with dolphins brains but isn't relevant so say, cruise missile tests, or blowing up old ships with torpedoes, or other things that, hold on - BLOW SHIT UP - but god forbid we have the blowholians get all confuddled in the midst of the water. The administration has invoked national security to exempt the Navy from strict adherence to the environmental laws that undergirded the court decisions, thereby making the courts irrelevant which is the Bush way.

The Supreme Court is expected to rule on who gets the final say on this issue and since our side (read: the ones who hate giving people away to civil authorities) outranks the dirty treehuggery I'd say we're on the right track: the courts or the executive branch. They hope the justices slap down the administration’s efforts to thwart judicial oversight and I'm rooting for Scalia! This month’s settlement shows that military readiness and environmental protection are not incompatible and that the courts can play a constructive role in forging an acceptable compromise - which sucks. I hope it is overruled. Let's go Roberts! Clap clap clappa clap!!!