Screw You New York Times - or - There, I Fixed That For You!

So the vaunted Grey Lady, that collection of fags known as the New York Times, published this editorial applauding the douches in California for stopping the Navy from breaking some dolphin eardrums, old school Irish Gang curbing style:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/19/opinion/19tue2.html

Below is my edited version - that is to say - how it should have read if not written by granola freaks.

Editorial

Whales, Dolphins, Sonar and the Courts

Published: August 19, 2008

We were fucking pissed to learn that the Navy and conservation groups have reached a liberal tree hugging court-approved settlement that allows the service barely any opportunity to test its low-frequency sonar systems and not fuck with, as we should the habitats of marine life that can’t tolerate loud underwater sound because they're pussies. Sometimes compromise and good sense go out the fucking window. So it is especially awesome that the Bush administration is still trying to block the courts’ ability to mediate future agreements between the military and environmentalists.

The vigilantly anti-regulatory Bush administration told the Navy that it could test its sonar in more than 70 percent of the world’s ocean area which is freaking sweet. It claimed that training on the loud, low-frequency devices, which can detect submarines at great distances, was important to national security and that any environmental damage would be minimal so I suggested that they turn it up to 11. However, the same sound waves that can detect distant submarines can also bombard marine habitats (cool!), near and far (even better), disrupting the activities of whales (yes), dolphins (FUCKING HELL YES!!!) and other acoustically sensitive creatures like the narwhal which is a fucking homo anyway.

(Un)Fortunately, the Natural Resources Defense Council and other organizations sued to rein in the exercises, and a federal court in fucking dirty hippie California issued injunctions and supplied the judicial muscle to force a mediated settlement. The agreement, approved this month, still allows the Navy to test its sonar in large areas in the Northwestern Pacific and around Hawaii while carving out segments that are critically important for marine life which is a total shame - I said nail the whole Pacific upon a cross of coral with sonar being the nails, and the Navy being the Romans, and Dolphins being Jesus, except without resurrection, which didn't happen anyway because we know people can't do that in the first place, Son of God or not. Hey God! Put my blood back in and restart my vitals. God's like, uh, no can do there tiger - shit I've derailed - Back to fucking with the Liberal Times.

Both sides have expressed satisfaction with the result except I wasn't polled. Dicks. That hasn’t stopped the administration’s perfectly radical efforts to sidestep the courts in a separate case on the use of midfrequency sonar off the coast of Southern California.

A federal district court and federal appeals court in California have ordered the Navy to adopt strong measures to protect marine life during the exercises which apparently involves banning the sonar that fucks with dolphins brains but isn't relevant so say, cruise missile tests, or blowing up old ships with torpedoes, or other things that, hold on - BLOW SHIT UP - but god forbid we have the blowholians get all confuddled in the midst of the water. The administration has invoked national security to exempt the Navy from strict adherence to the environmental laws that undergirded the court decisions, thereby making the courts irrelevant which is the Bush way.

The Supreme Court is expected to rule on who gets the final say on this issue and since our side (read: the ones who hate giving people away to civil authorities) outranks the dirty treehuggery I'd say we're on the right track: the courts or the executive branch. They hope the justices slap down the administration’s efforts to thwart judicial oversight and I'm rooting for Scalia! This month’s settlement shows that military readiness and environmental protection are not incompatible and that the courts can play a constructive role in forging an acceptable compromise - which sucks. I hope it is overruled. Let's go Roberts! Clap clap clappa clap!!!