Enemies of Humanity, Part XXIV: Oprah

First things first:  One Named People are not to be trusted.  Madonna (cough - slut!), Shakira (cough - midget slut!), John Wilkes Booth (cough - great aim!).  Second things second: People who name their production company anything other than "Worldwide Pants" are not to be trusted.  That puts Oprah squarely in our crosshairs, as if we were a Franz Ferdinand song or for that matter as if we were just actually Franz Ferdinand.

Oprah, with her see-saw weight problems (too much krill, I think) and her megalomania (check under your seats) and unbridled, holier-than-thou magnanimity (again, check under your seats) should be one of the first against the wall should the revolution come.  Yes - I get it.  You came from nothing.  Yes - I get it.  You forged a billion dollar media empire.  Yes  - I get it.  You enjoy cake.

Further investigation yields the following results:

Oprah is very close in spelling to "Orca" in that both words contain an "o", "r" and "a".  Furthermore, Oprah is 90% blubber.  It doesn't take a leap of the imagination to figure this out.  Oprah is an evolutionary off-shoot of the killer whale.  I mean, they're both black, right?  They both eat seals.  Both are the darlings of the liberal elite.  Both have problems mating in captivity.  

So case closed.  Oprah is an enemy of humanity because she is a killer whale.  

Woo Hoo!.... I said... woo. hoo.

Ding dong the dolphin's dead! Dum Dum Dum... Another One Bites the Dust! And Iiiiiiiiiii eeeee iiiiiiiii will always love yooooouuuuuuuuuuueuueueueueueu!

OK - the third song didn't really make sense. But the first two did. Because you shall relish in my cromulence and it shall be glorious!

Second dead dolphin found washed up on Alicante coast
By: thinkSPAIN , Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Council workers found a dead dolphin at around 5.30am this morning as they were cleaning Elche's Arenales del Sol beach.

The 1.5m-long specimen has been taken to Alicante University for analysis.

It is not known whether this discovery is linked to a similarly unusual incident in Benidorm yesterday, when a sick baby dolphin died shortly after being found washed up on the beach by bathers.

I don't even know what country this is in. Spain? Never heard of it. Is that near Djibouti? Must be. What I know about Spain is they've got it made. First of all, it looks as if their shore line is the dolphin equivalent of Omaha Beach, replete with mines on poles, hedgehogs and Nazi manned pill-boxes. Secondly, it's such a relaxed country with siesta and all that beachgoers are called "bathers". Bathers? What about swimmers? Beach aficionados? Nope. "Bathers". Like if the country took an economic downturn it would be "we all, how you say, no like dinero no more. This is life." Actually, Spain sounds like more of a Mecca than the actual Mecca, which sounds like a rock in a desert (note to self: set profile to super secret, move, change names, don't travel abroad). Crap. I just made fun of Islam. That's bad. I know what happens to people who do that. So to the adherents of Mohammed, I counter with this:

Jesus was a fag.

The Torah is gay.

Buddha's way of enlightenment is short-sighted at best.

Shinto is animistic.

Zeus is a paedophile and incestuous.

Gozer Rulez!

Take that, prominent religions of the world! It always comes back to Gozer, doesn't it? I was sleeping with the Gozerian for a while. Turns out she wasn't Gozerian so much as she was a dirty English whore. But ultimately, they amount to the same thing. I was Bill Murray and the Key Master is NO WHERE NEAR as good looking as I am. Because I'm 6'4", 230 lbs. of muscle and make Brad Pitt look like Oprah's Vahjayjay.

Maaaaattttt Daaamon.





AIDS.