Woo Hoo!.... I said... woo. hoo.

Ding dong the dolphin's dead! Dum Dum Dum... Another One Bites the Dust! And Iiiiiiiiiii eeeee iiiiiiiii will always love yooooouuuuuuuuuuueuueueueueueu!

OK - the third song didn't really make sense. But the first two did. Because you shall relish in my cromulence and it shall be glorious!

Second dead dolphin found washed up on Alicante coast
By: thinkSPAIN , Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Council workers found a dead dolphin at around 5.30am this morning as they were cleaning Elche's Arenales del Sol beach.

The 1.5m-long specimen has been taken to Alicante University for analysis.

It is not known whether this discovery is linked to a similarly unusual incident in Benidorm yesterday, when a sick baby dolphin died shortly after being found washed up on the beach by bathers.

I don't even know what country this is in. Spain? Never heard of it. Is that near Djibouti? Must be. What I know about Spain is they've got it made. First of all, it looks as if their shore line is the dolphin equivalent of Omaha Beach, replete with mines on poles, hedgehogs and Nazi manned pill-boxes. Secondly, it's such a relaxed country with siesta and all that beachgoers are called "bathers". Bathers? What about swimmers? Beach aficionados? Nope. "Bathers". Like if the country took an economic downturn it would be "we all, how you say, no like dinero no more. This is life." Actually, Spain sounds like more of a Mecca than the actual Mecca, which sounds like a rock in a desert (note to self: set profile to super secret, move, change names, don't travel abroad). Crap. I just made fun of Islam. That's bad. I know what happens to people who do that. So to the adherents of Mohammed, I counter with this:

Jesus was a fag.

The Torah is gay.

Buddha's way of enlightenment is short-sighted at best.

Shinto is animistic.

Zeus is a paedophile and incestuous.

Gozer Rulez!

Take that, prominent religions of the world! It always comes back to Gozer, doesn't it? I was sleeping with the Gozerian for a while. Turns out she wasn't Gozerian so much as she was a dirty English whore. But ultimately, they amount to the same thing. I was Bill Murray and the Key Master is NO WHERE NEAR as good looking as I am. Because I'm 6'4", 230 lbs. of muscle and make Brad Pitt look like Oprah's Vahjayjay.

Maaaaattttt Daaamon.





AIDS.

Dolphin Literature - Let's Just Say - Not Gonna Make it in the New Yorker...

Dolphin writers have long been known for their gross ineptitude. Lack of tact, horrible metaphors and let us not even get started on grammatical errors. The slippery bastards think they're so smart and so clever in their "plot twists" and "simile" and "paragraphs". But in all actuality, they basically write akin to a hackneyed Hemingway. First person narrative with simplistic sentence structure focusing on the general ennui of life. Ohhh! I've never ever heard of anyone else write like that. So innovative! So creative! I'm pretty sure that Dave Eggers is thus actually a dolphin. He's so risque! He admits to not using a condom during sex and puts pictures of staplers on random pages. How tongue in cheek! Huzzah for you, my good man, er, dolphin. "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Drowning in My Own Vomit". There, see how I fixed that for you?

Frankly, the dolphin literary world would be better served were they to avoid the classics like Dickens and Bronte, continue studying the canon of American authors like Fitzgerald and Rand but in all actuality focus upon the greatest writer of our generation. The author of such seminal lines as:

"Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!"

AND

"You have been a participant in the biggest interdimensional cross rip since the Tunguska blast of 1909!"

That's right. Dan Aykroyd is the most important writer of all time. Can you write like that, dolphins? I think not. Can you write, Dave Eggers? I think not.

Touche! Victoire! I win! I win!