Dolphin Literature - Let's Just Say - Not Gonna Make it in the New Yorker...

Dolphin writers have long been known for their gross ineptitude. Lack of tact, horrible metaphors and let us not even get started on grammatical errors. The slippery bastards think they're so smart and so clever in their "plot twists" and "simile" and "paragraphs". But in all actuality, they basically write akin to a hackneyed Hemingway. First person narrative with simplistic sentence structure focusing on the general ennui of life. Ohhh! I've never ever heard of anyone else write like that. So innovative! So creative! I'm pretty sure that Dave Eggers is thus actually a dolphin. He's so risque! He admits to not using a condom during sex and puts pictures of staplers on random pages. How tongue in cheek! Huzzah for you, my good man, er, dolphin. "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Drowning in My Own Vomit". There, see how I fixed that for you?

Frankly, the dolphin literary world would be better served were they to avoid the classics like Dickens and Bronte, continue studying the canon of American authors like Fitzgerald and Rand but in all actuality focus upon the greatest writer of our generation. The author of such seminal lines as:

"Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!"

AND

"You have been a participant in the biggest interdimensional cross rip since the Tunguska blast of 1909!"

That's right. Dan Aykroyd is the most important writer of all time. Can you write like that, dolphins? I think not. Can you write, Dave Eggers? I think not.

Touche! Victoire! I win! I win!