Never Let a Dolphin Do Your Accounting

In a tale as old as time - no, not Beauty and The Beast - although - actually - wait sorta like beauty and the beast - I'm the beauty, dolphins are the beast? Yeah, I guess that analogy works. So in a tale as old as time, when grain surpluses in the Middle East allowed both specialization of labor and the creation of writing, accountants have always been needed. There's speculation that the world's first specialized job was in fact accounting to "account" for the in and out flow of grain from granaries. Thus, cunieform, the world's first documented writing system. This series of wedges embedded in wet clay quickly evolved to be the regional standard and accountancy thrived. This would have been the golden era of accountants because you were either A) a lowly farmer or B) the only other job out there: Grain Accountant. (Or prostitute - totally forgot - that's the world's oldest profession).

Now dolphin writing is sort of akin to cunieform so were dolphin accountants operating in the 5,000 year old Sumerian language, they would probably be decent accountants. That said, we're not using clay tablets anymore, you dumb fucks. The advent of Arabic Numerals and the concept of Zero has still escaped dolphin culture so they really can't do your taxes. Well they could attempt it but I'm sure you'd be audited immediately when your 1040 is turned in on 32 pounds of hardened clay. Even with modern computing tools, the dolphin accountant should be avoided. The flipper of the dolphin is adequate for using a mouse or a track ball (by the way, who the hell uses track balls? How gay can you be that you can't move a mouse around?) but cannot adequately manipulate the keyboard thus yielding many, many typos. And I'm no IRS agent, but I'm pretty sure typos on your tax documents are a no-no. So what if we give them the chance for internal accounting like Accounts Receivable? Since they don't know many of the shortcuts in Excel, it will take quite some time for them to enter even the simplest data. Also the wetness inherent in, well, being a dolphin usually shorts out keyboards pretty quickly. But the worst part of having a dolphin accountant internally would be the workplace chemistry or lack thereof fostered by retaining dolphin employees.

In the break room, the dolphin is most likely to have the smelliest meal in the refrigerator, usually squelching the appetite of any other co-worker should they open the fridge. Dolphins pee on the seat in the employee restroom, which is just classless. We all work at the same place, we all go to the bathroom, don't FUCKING PEE ON THE SEAT! The dolphin workspace is usually decorated with endless Dilbert comic strips and the dolphin accountant's sense of humor is about as sophisticated as that strip. That is to say: they're unfunny at best, grating at worst. Oh - and crop dusting. Dolphins crop dust. For those of you unfamiliar with the term crop dusting, it does not refer to North By Northwest - instead if you have to, ahem, pass gas, instead of doing so at your cubicle thus indicating your guilt, you will get up and walk the office, slowly issuing your glorious, glorious musk. Now I'm proud of my crop dusting prowess, but that's because I smell of lavender and scented oils. Dolphins smell of 3 week old crab meat and bourbon poured into molasses.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to mix myself and Jack and Sugar Crab drink.