Hanoi Jane, Born Again Christian, The Former Mrs. CNN. There are many labels that can be applied to Ms. Fonda. Hippie, Dirty Hippie, Dirty Tree Hugging Hippie. While not forthcoming on her pro-dolphin stance, I can only assume that her hatred of everything awesome (bombing things, explosions, kick-ass wars, bombing things) would peg Jane firmly in the "I just want to hug them, they're like slippery people" camp. So, Ms. Fonda, I implore you to issue a statement apologizing to Vietnam Veterans across the country and to me in particular for not issuing a statement on your opinions vis-a-vis dolphins. I should hope that this statement will negate your years of mistrust for the Federal Government, the Armed Forces and help us as a nation to begin the healing process. Also buy more Vietnamese Nike Airs. Those tiny little fingers really do a bang-up job on my Air Maxx Extreme Dunk Jordan LeBrons.
Now on a completely related note. I have been spending my free time (when not spearing and/or shotgunning dolphins - not shotgunning like a can of beer, but actually shooting with a physical shotgun) fabricating from parts lying around the house/nuclear power plant a time machine. Several purposes for the time machine:
1. Go back to the evolutionary point where that first dog-like creature decided to become semi-aquatic and then kill it - sort of the John Conner of dolphins - I guess that makes me the T800. No wait, that one failed. The T1000 then. No, he ended up melting. "What's the dog's name?" "Max." "Ginelle, how's Wolfie?" "Wolfie's fine dear - where are you?" "Your foster parents are dead."
2. Go back to last November and punch myself in the fucking trachea for even being attracted to that dirty skank of a whore.
3. Go back to say, eh, 1969 and BANG THE HELL OUT OF JANE FONDA. Dayum, bitch was fucking hot.
And again:
To Hayden Panettiere: I know Jane Fonda and I served with Jane Fonda and you Ma'am are no Jane Fonda.I have to go now... {grabs tissue paper}.
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