The US Navy Has Let Me Down.... Again

I'm a fan of America's war machine. That's no secret. We have more aircraft carriers than Putin has vials of poison labeled with journalist's names. We google-map a place we want to bomb, press a couple buttons and 3 hours later... BLAM! Tomahawk Cruise Missile up your ass, Toronto! They didn't even know it was coming. But then our Navy, with their nancy white outfits and reluctance to venture south of 42nd street go and fall into disfavor. And all because of this:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/13/us/13whales.html?_r=1&scp=2&sq=sonar&st=cse&oref=slogin

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — The Navy agreed in a settlement approved Tuesday to limit where it operates certain sonar systems criticized by environmentalists as a threat to whales and other marine mammals.

Let's read between the lines on that one - "other marine mammals". That's right. Fucking dolphins, again. So basically these jackass echo-location motherfuckers can't find their way around while our Navy's on the way to bomb Hiroshima again just for kicks? Honestly folks, they're fucking dolphins. They can't even make cool things like XBox360 or Jell-O pudding pops, so why should we really worry about hurting their precious little non-existent ears?

I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.... do you have it? If you guessed "go off the coast of Southern California in a trawler with underwater loudspeakers and a couple gross of grenades and cause permanent dolphin deafness," you guessed the right number.

In an open letter to the Secretary of the Navy, Truman Handy Newberry (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Truman_Handy_Newberry) I postulated that "the advent of underwater listening and detection devices are the wave of the future. Why that Marconi - have a look see at what he did! Furthermore, my good chap, have you looked into the aeroplane? Why with a brigade of these contraptions working hand-in-hand with the underwater devices, Teddy could hunt maritime game with the ease of an African Safari! Bully to that, I say. Now excuse me, kind sir, as I must take the 9:15 Pennsylvania Railroad locomotive to New York's shining star of Pennsylvania Station. Why a glorious work of that magnitude will last forever and become an icon of Mannahatta!* O! Grand city with your steam packets a'bustling, Irish cops a'hustling the negroes uptown and away from womanly eyes and only seventy-nine horse cart fatalities per afternoon! O! City of my youth! I return to thee!"

*{Hops in Doc Emmet Brown's time train, lands in shithole of an arena where Penn Station used to be, goes back in time and punches John Jacob Astor right in the beaver for good measure.}

IN MEMORIAM:

TRUMAN HANDY NEWBERRY
5 November 1864 - 3 October 1945
RIP - We'll miss you, dawg. Peace!