Dolphin Paparazzi

Dolphins kill frequently and with criminal intent. Just ask Vincent D'Onofrio. He'd be out of a job were it not for dolphin committed murders. He's a great detective by the way. I can't believe they allow those documentary crews that follow him such unfettered access to what looks to be sensitive crime scenes. I mean, there was even one time that Private Pyle was undercover with some drug dealers and corrupt cops and still the cameras were following him. How that didn't bust up the investigation is beyond me.

Relevant to this tangent, I would like to address the problems posted by those dolphins employed in the entertainment photography industry. Dolphins killed Princess Diana. There. I said it. Not landmines, not alcohol related driving, not the sudden stop at the end. Dolphin paparazzi killed her and Mr. Harrod's. Drove her into the mid-tunnel barrier with their Moto-Guzzis or what not. Flash, pop, crash.

Great Nations of the World, Part II: Japan

The Japanese hate dolphins, thus should be worshiped. This collective nation of islands situated in the Pacific Ocean has prime waterfront real estate for the wholesale destruction and termination of the dolphin menace. Furthermore, their inherent efficiencies yield a hefty dolphin head count. I mean, they actually have floating factories that engage in a one-stop shop for all things anti-dolphin. These massive ships will catch, kill, process and freeze dolphin for use in such tasty dishes as tempura, sushi, sashimi, sake, sake bombs, jaegermeister and dolphin lager. The Japanese are so bloodthirsty in their hunt for dolphin that they'll even ram Greenpeace ships to get at their prey. The Nisshin Maru should get a medal or scholarship to an Ivy League college or something overly grandiose for their heroic efforts in squelching Greenpeace's misguided efforts to cease the dolphin hunt. Apparently the hippies, armed with semi-rigid inflatable Zodiac craft attempted to block the brave sailors, officers and factory workers of the Nisshin Maru and as a result, ended up with a shipborne scuffle against Greenpeace's fagship (omission of the "L" intentional) Arctic Sunrise. I'm assuming the massive Nisshin Maru, pictured below, triumphed over the Arctic Sunrise (pictured further below).

The Brave Nisshin Maru


The homely and cowardly Arctic Sunrise

Needless to say, I wish the Japanese the best in their never ending quest towards world dominance, against the dolphins. Because their last quest for world domination didn't really turn out that well. Except for their awesome economy. And automaking prowess. And Playstation 3. Jesus that shit is awesome. I love GTAIV. Except I wish there were more opportunities to kill squishy cetaceans.

Happy Days Are Here Again

My younger brother is getting married at the end of the month and his bachelor party is this upcoming weekend. This is going to be a hullabaloo, a blow out, a shindig, a whiz-banger, a Twenty Three Skidoo and all other F. Scott Fitzgerald synonyms for a party. For those of you who don't know me, I likey the boozey. A lot. I'm drinking right now, in fact. Stage I of the bachelor party is going to be the highlight of the festivities, me thinks. We are going to combine my two passions into one compact and delightful package otherwise known as deep sea fishing. Hold on, hold on... let me get this straight. We get on a boat loaded full of beer and other spirits and take to the high seas like adventurers of yore to kill dolphins? Booze and Dolphin Murder, together? This may be my finest hour. Second finest, actually. The first was when I piloted Spitfires during the Battle of Britain. Shot down 31 Kraut Messerschmidt BF-109's, most likely piloted by dolphins. But as the second finest hour, I think this will suffice. I'm going to get hammered and drop dynamite into the ocean. When the sensitive inner ear of the dolphin is thus confused, they'll surface and I'll hit the fuckers with a two by four with a couple sixteen penny nails driven through the appropriate end. Then, hauling my quarry ashore, I shall pose for triumphant photos away from the prying eyes of the Fish and Game Commission or the EPA or the Rotary Club. Then I'll go to an illegal taxidermist, get those bastards stuffed and then go to a rifle range and use the dessicated corpses for target practice for future dolphin executions. What a glorious time it is to be alive knowing that the Bush Administration hates nature more than fiscal responsibility or American Soldiers (actually, that might be wrong - pretty sure Bush hates American Soldiers more than any other entity on earth) thus allowing me the carte blanche to kill as many as I can carry, and since I'm so strong, I can carry one. But hell, we're not walking the Appalachian Trail - this isn't carry-in carry-out. I'll just kill 'em and leave 'em. Sorta how I treat women. Listen babe, I can't be tied down. Now where'd I park my hog?

{Walks around the corner, sobs silently, gets on pink Vespa, rides to independent book shop}

Enemies of Humanity, Part II: Greenpeace

Greenpeace is suspect for a multitude of reasons: Hippies, Protests in Trees, Saving the Rainforest, Anti-Whaling Campaigns, Stopping Our Kick Ass Army from Nuking Things... the list can go on ad infinitum. The number one reason they're an enemy of humanity is their pro-dolphin stance. The number one reason they're suspect though, is it was founded IN CANADA. Of course they're fucking misguided - they were founded in America, Jr. Most things Canadian are backwards in general and their unmitigated support of all things dolphin is the worst part about them and Greenpeace. In fact, I wouldn't be overly surprised that Greenpeace is a Canadian Funded Terror Organization. Everyone familiar with Nunavut? No, of course you're not. Nunavut is a self-governing Inuit territory encompassing most of the area around Hudson's Bay, so of course it's seasonably warm up there. The proud Inuit did not seek autonomy for political purposes. Instead they wanted self-governance to uphold the practices of their forefathers, namely slaughtering maritime mammals. To the 32,000 residents of Nunavut living on 808,000 square miles (I'm not mathmagician, but I think that means it's crowded up there), I salute you in your service to mankind by terminating dolphins and their "cute" friends, the whale and Mr. Heidi Klum.

Back to task - Greenpeace. Bunch of fucking jackasses. First of all, to join Greenpeace, the only things you need are a clipboard, birkenstocks and no personal hygiene. They're always hanging out on the street asking you if you'd like to donate or sign some bullshit about boycotting something that I would find awesome - like exploding South Pacific Islands or Feeding the Bears. True Story: Several Years ago I was walking down Lexington with my ex-girlfriend (let's just call her "Plays on Train Tracks" - she was native American. Or retarded. Anyway, she died on impact). The Greenpeace Eco-Losers tried to block our way and asked if we {Annoying Hippie Accent} "Cared about the environment?" What kind of loaded question is that bullshit? Do I CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT? As I am indeed a product and fucking resident of the environment and I care very much about, well, myself because I'm awesome, so yes then you fucking mal-nourished whiny bitch, I do care about the environment. Anyway, it seems my hatred of dolphins has been latent for quite some time because the very first thing that popped into my head was "No thanks, my shoes are made out of dolphin". "Plays on Train Tracks" was a midwesterner who had relocated to the Pacific Northwest so she was quite taken aback at how rude I was to one of her kind. Bitch, please. 1. I'm a New Yorker. 2. You know I hate hippies. 3. We dated for 2 years - I'm sure at some point you got the memo that indeed I am an asshole.

Then I punched her in the dorsal fi - OH MY GOD - She wasn't offended that I made fun of the tree-hugger. She was offended because she was a dolphin. Unclean! Unclean! I fucked a dolphin! Ewwwww....

DWD - Driving While Dolphin

So we're all quite familiar with the requisite ethnic/geographical stereotypes that go along with certain people's driving habits. Southern Californians are on their non-hands-free cellphone to "do lunch" whilst writing their screenplay on a MacBook Air, drinking a lo-cal, no-caf, half-caf, de-caf latte. Old Asian women are in the left lane at 43 mph with the left indicator on. Connecticut drivers will inevitably make a 6 lane U-Turn in a Volvo station wagon with a Lacrosse sticker, ACK sticker, Yale Sticker, Harvard Law Sticker, Sticker with a picture of other Stickers...

Encapsulating all of the worst qualities of the above drivers and adding a dash of Jersey in the mix are of course, the Dolphins. First of all, they're so fucking smug in their hybrids or biodiesel Volkswagens with Greenpeace bumper stickers and that gay equality symbol. Frankly the preacheyness of those stickers are as equally annoying as the Jesus Fish thing or W. For President. On a side note, there are many fantastic dolphin fatalities due to that Jesus Fish thing. As chronic tailgaters, some dolphins will notice the Jesus Fish thing and think "Oooo, Dinner!" and subsequently run the driver of the Fish bearing vehicle off the road. Since the dolphins don't wear seatbelts, they're quickly ejected through the windshield in the collision. Unfortunately for us, since this trend could kill both dolphins and Bible Beaters, these occurrences are few and far between due to the dolphin's proclivity towards living near the coast and near predominantly liberal urban centers. Since the bulk of the right wing Ned Flanders Jesus Lovers are in the barren wasteland of the rest of the country between New York and San Francisco, the two groups of drivers rarely meet upon the road.

Side note - In Europe this NEVER happens. Not because the distinct lack of Jesus Fish (which is true) but due to a little known EU law banning dolphins from motor vehicle ownership. Thus a European dolphin is more likely to travel via mass transit or bicycle or something like that. There is quite a tight knit European dolphin community. So there's a horrible reason behind that: During World War II as the entire continent was in upheaval and millions upon millions of people, civilian and combatants alike, were being slaughtered, the dolphin community thrived and suffered very little casualties. The reason? Hitler loved dolphins and appointed many of them to high posts within the Nazi government. Yep. Dolphins were Nazis. If that doesn't clear it up, I don't know what will.

We gotta go after these war criminals before they again rise to power. I'm starting tomorrow by just slashing the tires of every Prius I see hoping that they're dolphin owned. PWN3D!

Five Simple Words: Dolphins. Are. Red. Sox. Fans.

The level of retardation exhibited by this species is unparalleled in the animal kingdom (phylum, class, order, family, genus, species). This can be summed up in their choice of American Sporting Teams. 94% of dolphins are Red Sox fans. And they just jumped on the band wagon. Despite nearly a century of "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" behavior, the lowly (and freaking racist) Red Sox fans are reveling in their new found glory and of course the front runner dolphin is eager to throw their flipper into the melee. In a classic show of stupidity, these maritime terrorists embraced the most callous and boorish breed of baseball supporter by donning their Big Papi jerseys, Lon Lester commemorative "I Had Cancer" hats and Curt Schilling "I swear I was injured" bloody socks. If I hear another fucking dolphin saying "that's just Manny being Manny" or "wicked retahded" or "I am a lower class uneducated Irish American without any salient knowledge of Ireland itself" again, I swear I will drive to Boston and "pahk my cah" (laden with with propane cannisters) in Yawkey Way and subsequently wahk away. Holding a detonator.

Please support the Yankees (and thus America) by purging the world of these Green Monster loving cetaceans. I will use my Jason Giambi autographed mustache bat to pummel the slimy assholes into certain and utter oblivion. Ever play Tee-Ball? Yeah you have - admit it. Pretend the dolphin's dorsal fin is the ball and start there. Then work your way down into the brainal region. Yes - brainal is a scientific term. I know. I'm a Scientologist therefore smarter than you. Except replace "smarter" with "brainwashdeyer".

Dolphin Masonry - Shoddy at Best

If there's one thing that dolphins truly are miserable at, it's masonry. Firstly, their flippers cannot adequately handle plumb lines so more often than not, you end up with a truly crooked wall. Also not surprisingly, they mix the mortar with way too much water, so your wall isn't going to last all that long, due to erosion and such. With a poor manufacturing infrastructure, the quality control of their brick factories is lacking thus leading to far more substandard inventory than even third world nations like Bhutan or Canada. In general, dolphin contractors are chronically behind schedule on completion dates and are prone to padding the bill, er, beak with overages and hidden costs. My brother is a general contractor and he always has always had problems with his dolphin day laborers. When he picks them up at the Home Depot parking lot at 7:00am more often than not half of them are drunk, reeking of tequila, whiskey and soft shell crab. Needless to say, this leads to problems throughout the work day and he has to watch them very closely, often correcting their work himself. Since he's fluent in Spanish, he has no problem communicating with his Latin American colleagues but as dolphin culture is notoriously insular, they haven't even published a comprehensive dolphin to English dictionary. That and he sounds ridiculous issuing a series of whirrs and buzzes as orders.

So if you're thinking of home renovation or a new project, I'd think twice before hiring dolphin labor to get the job done. Go with the Chinese instead - they're industrious, hard working, they have really small hands to get into hard to reach places and I'm told there's quite a few of them so they're easily replaceable. That and their government doesn't value life all that much. Did you know that there was no stone whatsoever used in the construction of the Great Wall of China? Yeah - true fact (is there anything other than a true fact, by the way?) - Yeah, it's made completely of slave labor corpses. True story.

They Just Keep Getting Better... At Terrifying Me.

Another reason to beware of the dolphin. They're like Santa Claus. How so? THEY DON'T SLEEP:

Generally, dolphins sleep with only one brain hemisphere in slow-wave sleep at a time, thus maintaining some amount of consciousness required to breathe and keeping one eye open to keep a watch out for possible threats.

So there you have it - Dolphins are always awake in some capacity. Most likely to know when to strike. Although that would be quite a cool talent, say at a corporate meeting. "As you can see, the FYo9 outlook is pie graph bar graph bull bear Nasdaq Dow Jones, and we must diversify {shuts off one hemisphere of the brain} the portfolio by merging our Exxon to our Mobil Google stock iPhone 3G nano-technology... Jones, JONES! Are you even listening?" "Yes sir, with only my left hemisphere 'cause my right one shut down." "Jones, that's what I like about you - efficiency and initiative. Jenkins, why can't you be more like Jones?" {Cracks a Coors Light and that train comes by and everyone's in bikinis, except Jenkins, because that would be gross}.

Fin.

Dystopian Futures...

The year was 1995. The interwebs were just a glimmer in Al Gore's eyes. But everyone knew that one day, we'd be able to uplink our minds straight to the 'net (as the "in the know" folks call it, apostrophe and all) and travel through cyberspace which looked like a big green grid or Tron or something. And our "avatars" of ourselves would be able to do really cool things that we otherwise couldn't do like virtually fly or keep data in our heads or have sex with Stephen Hawking's avatar that looked like Briana Banks but still sounded like Stephen Hawking. A landmark movie that completely missed the point that the internet is exclusively for A) Jacking Off and B) the Rants of Less Than Intelligent Liberals/Archconservatives/Porn Stars was Johnny Mnemonic.

A fantastic documentary, Johnny Mnemonic starred the famous actor Neo. I believe his real name is Mister Anderson. At any rate, Neo is a data courier with a massive amount of storage space in his head. He has at least an iPod's worth of pharmaceutical data in his head and is being pursued by various gangs, corporate armies and not by Angelina Jolie. She was too busy being in Hackers, I think. What was the one with Sandra "Horrrrssseey" Bullock? The Web? The Net? Who cares. That one sucked.

So Johnny Mnemonic has all the makings of a horribly misguided vision of the future. I'm watching it right now as we - OH MY FUCKING GOD - THERE'S A FUCKING DRUGGED OUT DOLPHIN RUNNING THE INTERNET?!?!?

Jesus Fucking Handbag on a Crutch of our Lord and Saviour... That just ruined my life. I knew it. Somehow I knew it all along - doesn't it make sense? A depressed heroin addicted dolphin is the ultimate czar/tsar of the interwebs.


This is terrifying. I'm starting to wonder if that Daily Kos guy is actually a dolphin. I am 100% sure that TMZ is a dolphin - it speaks for itself, the level of their "reporting". Fuck - now I'm all paranoid that everything I look at on the internet is created by and/or for dolphin users.

Is nothing sacred? They can't even leave our precious computers alone.

01101001001000100100011110101001 now equals "click, buzz, chirp chirp, click, eee eee eee eee click".

Know Thy Enemy: Commerson's Dolphin

Here's a villain if I ever saw one:



That's Commerson's Dolphin. It's one of the smallest of all dolphins, but don't let that fool you. Nicknamed the Skunk Dolphin, this killer is as equally brutal as its larger brethren. Five feet long and 51 pounds of destruction, the Commerson's Dolphin has been wreaking havoc on the area around Patagonia and Magellan's Strait since it was first discovered by white men (the only men that matter) in 1767. Philibert Commerson should have done the world a favor and acted like most white men in the New World: he should have told the dolphin he was making its life more comfortable by evicting it from its natural habitat and giving it blankets, with smallpox. Yep. The Commerson's Dolphin deserves a smallpox blanket. Or diptheria. I don't exactly know what diptheria is, but it sounds nasty.

A note on the appearance of this asshole: they look retarded. They should have been eliminated from the gene pool just for idiotic looks in the first place, so I'm surprised that they have not become an evolutionary dead end like the polar bear or elves. I'm even more surprised that a second "tribe" of these "savages" has been discovered in the Indian Ocean in addition to its South Atlantic habitat. Residents of Sri Lanka (nee Ceylon) - beware! The Commerson's Dolphin is stalking your seas, waiting for the next time the entire island Civil War or Floods itself into the ocean. On a flooding related side note: what the fuck is wrong with people in Iowa? Hey Irv, I've got a great idea... let's build our home next to, you know, the river that periodically floods. But instead of moving to high ground, Norman, we'll build an earthen wall to make sure that the river doesn't flood our house. Because if there's one thing that foils water, it's a naturally eroded barrier made from piles of dirt. That'll show that tricky nature to not mess with the US of A.

Oh wait - they didn't learn their lesson and continually drive up our taxes to bail out their sodden cheeto fed asses and divert funds from the government that could be better used to initiate programs like using Nimtz class supercarriers and Ohio class submarines in conjunction with depth charge equipped destroyers to drive dolphins ashore in say, Tybee Island, GA where they can be effectively "handled" by the US Marines. What a sight that would be - the full prowess of our military harnessed in a dolphin bloodbath. Also, the Marines would get off on it because they'd finally be able to really use their otherwise ceremonial swords. I might even enlist if this happens - just give me a rifle with a bayonet and I'll be stab happy for blowholes! Stabby stab!

Enemies of Humanity, Part I: Hayden Panettiere

In another ongoing series, I shall highlight people and organizations (Greenpeace, you're next) who show blind loyalty towards the evil evil dolphins. Therefore, I submit to you public enemy number one: Hayden Panettiere.



Firstly, I have a problem with anyone born after the Mets last won a World Series. Mostly because were we cuddling in bed and I said "Man... I remember when the Mets won the World Series" and she would say "I was negative 3 years old", well that would freak me out. Until I realized I was tagging an eighteen year old. I guess I'd get over that pretty quickly actually. So strike the "Mets World Series Win vis a vis birthdate" argument.

But the serious threat to humanity posed by Ms. Heroes Cheerleader is her unyielding compassion towards aquatic creatures that given the chance, will kill us all. Her protest of the annual Taiji dolphin hunt set back our cause decades. The publicity garnered by this pint sized terrorist brought negative attention to what ultimately is a fantastic cause. When will people realize that the cold-blooded dolphin has only murder upon its slightly more complex than a goldfish mind? The brave citizens of Japan and their efficient slaughtering methods are helping us immeasurably in the extermination of dolphins and Panettiere is interfering in the process.

Hayden - I know you're very young (and supple, and nubile, and flexible and.... hold on... I'll be right back).

{washes hands}

Anyway, Hayden - you are misguided in your quest. I would like to set up a meeting at Mt. Airy Lodge, preferably in the champagne flute hot tub. Or the rotating bed. I would like to have a face to face with you to show you the errors of your ways. The dolphins are not to be saved. They are to be wiped from the earth with extreme prejudice. I actually can't believe you even went in the water with that surfboard - don't you know they're homicidal and thirst for human blood? The board won't protect you. They use tools now. So, Lizzie Spaulding - next time you're in New York, come by and see me and I will give you an extensive presentation on why dolphins are nasty beasts and then for a conclusion, we'll act like nasty beasts. Somewhere in the Poconos. We'll take my SUV. Because hybrids save the whales.

Great Nations of the World, Part I: The Faroe Islands

Nestled in the North Atlantic, roughly 200 miles north of Scotland, the Faroe Islands are a self-governed autonomous province of Denmark. This series of islands has a population of approximately 50,000 and a rich cultural heritage rooted in Norse and Celtic tradition. But that is not what brings us to this remote corner of the world today. Instead, we shall explore a great contribution to humanity served by these heroic islanders: Dolphin Drive Hunting.

These mass killings are spectacular - cornering the vicious creatures with boats and nets. A ha - the glove is on the other flipper now, you sons of bitches! The Faroe Islanders will drive the monsters ashore or even better, utilizing a sharp hook, manhandle those bastards ashore. Once the hunters have become the hunted and mankind has home field advantage on dry land, the flopping and sputtering cetaceans had better pray to whatever pagan god they have, for the end is nigh. The glorious victory of the Faroe Islanders is culminated with the severing of the spinal artery with a sharp something or other. Screw the minutiae - who cares - the assholes are dead now. In the thousands.

So all join me in hailing a great nation and citizens of the world - the Fantastic Fishermen of the Faroe (f)Islands!

Run In Terror! They're Learning!

You know that scene in Dawn of the Dead? The remake with that big angry black guy. Was that Ving Rhames? Too lazy to IMDB it. Yes - I'm too lazy to Ctrl+t, type "Dawn of Dead"... In any case, in Dawn of the Dead the remaining survivors, after taking refuge in the mall, decide to make a break for it via some A-Team-iscized school buses found in the mall's garage. They look like this:




Wow. That's a really unhelpful photo to get my point across. In any case, the survivors jury-rigged these buses with Armor, Lights, Rams, Gun Ports, etc. in the hopes of just brutally plowing their way through the hordes of undead assailing them. It sorta worked.

But I am preparing one of these bad boys myself as we speak. Because we're gonna need it. I'm sorta scared about this one. Really:

"In May 2005, a discovery was made in Australia which shows this cultural aspect of dolphin behaviour: Some dolphins, such as the Indo-Pacific Bottlenose Dolphin (Tursiops aduncus) teach their young to use tools. The dolphins break sponges off and cover their snouts with them thus protecting their snouts while foraging."

Um... Um... Umm....

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THEY'RE LEARNING TO USE TOOLS?

Yeah, it doesn't sound like much now but we must stop them before they learn too much. First, using sponges to protect snouts. Next, rocks to smash open crabs. The only logical step after that would be servo operated electronic exo-skeletons with a moisturizing system to ensure their health while on dry land, gunning us down mercilessly with their Heads-Up-Display targeting systems operating the 30 mm chain guns mounted to their cybernetic arms.

So as a result, I'm building an armored bus. Laugh all you want. When your skull is crushed by a 3 ton dolphin operated robotic fighting suit, the joke will be on you.

See you in Wyoming (far inland - it will take them a while to penetrate. Unless they master flight. Shit. Didn't even think about that one).

Revelations of 1992

Ah the halcyon days of yore - the Early 1990s. Animatronic turtle movies were the sole propaganda mouthpiece of the US government. War raged in Iraq. I felt new strange feelings in places I hadn't before. And awesome of awesome - I had a Sega Genesis.

Playing Genesis was like seeing God for the first time, if God were a werewolf that when you double tapped forward God would blur and sort of bust through enemies. I also enjoyed Sonic the Hedgehog and even better, Sonic 2. Wasn't Tails just the cutest lil' pixelated creature you ever done seen?

But far and away my favorite game was Ecco the Dolphin. Basically, I'd turn on the console, let the game load up and start a new game. It was so much fun, taking Ecco to the bottom of the ocean on the very first level and watching his air supply bar dwindle to nothing. Then he'd die. Oh how I would spend countless afternoons just sinking the electronic dolphin* to the bottom of the sea, killing him and then resetting the game and starting anew. Over and over and over again. What Joy, Thou Genesis! Truly, what Joy!





*On a related note, henceforth masturbation or any sexual act for that matter will be referred to, in perpetuity, as "sinking the electronic dolphin". I got a magazine under my bed that I think I'm going to aid my sinking the electronic dolphin right now....

Point of Clarification

A cursory Google search yields many websites professing equal hatred of Dolphins... the Miami Dolphins. I want to clarify to readers all over the interwebs that I hold no umbrage towards to fine tradition of Miami Dolphins football. Mostly because of their 1972 season - it will always still make the Patriots look like a bunch of Douches. Thank you Eli.

Anyway - back on task:

When the revolution comes the first against the wall, in order shall be:

1. Dolphins
2. Sea Turtles
3. Red Sox Fans

That is all.

Delphinidae est Mort

(I really don't know if that means what I'd like it to mean in Latin. Don't care either).

The Horror.... The Horror.....

Just call me Captain Willard (or Marlowe) because Dolphins are my Colonel Kurtz. I'll punch mirrors, travel up river, listen to the Stones with "Larry" Fishburne and surf on a hot LZ just to get at those freaking haughty maritime mammals. Even though I can't use Avid or Final Cut or whatever else nerds use to make their own Star Wars tribute movies with Jawas, I would like to create Apocalypse Now Redux, Redux. It would be 99.9% the same as the normal Apocalypse Now Redux, including the hot French Bitch Willard bangs at the plantation, with one exception: You know the scene where Kurtz' army goes into that orgiastic ritual culminating in hacking the hell out of that cow? Yeah - you know - the one that tormented your childhood (if your parents were dumb enough, like mine, to let you watch FREAKING APOCALYPSE NOW AT AGE SEVEN)... To create Apocalypse Now Redux, Redux, I would take that scene and put in a CGI dolphin. Yep. Hack the hell out of a dolphin instead.

Hold on a second... Strike that. I would REFILM THE WHOLE SCENE at a massive expense and then Really Hack the Hell out of an actual dolphin. How great would that be? Enhance a true piece of American art by eliminating bovine violence and adding some harmless fun AND the actual opportunity to take cleavers and machetes to a real live killer dolphin. Brilliant.

But there still would be a tad of CGI. When the dolphin finally falls to it's knees, er, flipper (?) I'd put a little computer explosion shockwave ring - because if I knew I made a great movie and CGI shockwave technology didn't exist at the time I made it, damn skippy I'd go back later and add a CGI shockwave despite the fact that a shockwave indicates an atmosphere and space doesn't have... what's it called? Oh yeah - an atmosphere.

One Down, 20 Some Odd Species To Go...

So all you Voyage of the Mimi slash Jessica Alba in Good Luck Chuck fans: Avert your eyes. This is gonna get ugly.

I'm so freaking happy! According to multiple sources, the Chinese River Dolphin is functionally extinct. Now let's get rid of that functionally part and really kill 'em off. I'm booked on the 7:15 flight to Beijing (or Peking as I prefer, being a 19th Century English Baron stuck in the 21st Century due to a wormhole or something HG Wells made and left in the foyer of my Knightsbridge townhouse) tonight. My carry-on consists of the following:

Duct Tape
Cheddar Goldfish
A bottle of Dasani
A spear
A long hook with a rope
Binoculars
3G iPhone
Two pairs of socks
Oh yeah - and 3 freaking pounds of C4

So I's a goins huntin dolphin, I is. I don't really know any Mandarin, but I figure "KILL DOLPHIN" is probably internationally known and the Chinese, ahem, don't really care about the environment. Which means - epiphany - capture dolphins, imprison them in China and air-board them (the Dolphin equivalent of Waterboarding). Basically, all I have to do is convince Communist China that Dolphins are both Pro-Tibet Independence and recognize Taiwan (or Formosa as I prefer, being a 19th Century English Baron stuck in the 21st Century due to a wormhole or something HG Wells made and left in the foyer of my Knightsbridge townhouse) as the one true China.

That will teach those smug bastards, with their vestigial rear legs.

Destroy: Delphinidae and Platanistoidea

Welcome like minded friends. This forum is a place to gather for all of those who see the real threat to the world. It is not geo-political instability, nor rising fuel costs. Holy Wars, inflation and global warming (which is awesome by the way. Commuting by canoe? Hello?) pale in comparison to this threat. Second only to drivers of hybrid cars, the disaster looming for mankind is... wait for it... wait for it... Dolphins. These horrible, horrible, terrible creatures will kill us all - if we give them the chance. I ask - no - implore you to strike now. Yes, they evolved 10 million years ago. Yes, they do cute tricks. Yes, they get confused by our Navy's awesome sonar. Oh! That's a solution. More sonar. Thank you Lewis Richardson (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonar).
Anyway. Kill dolphins. At any cost. More on this later.