Retirement Notice

Screw you guys - I'm going home.  I'm sick of dolphins.  Consider this my resignation.  Instead, revel in the cromulence that is my latest project...

http://1001thingsnottodobeforeyoudie.blogspot.com/

http://1001thingsnottodobeforeyoudie.blogspot.com/

http://1001thingsnottodobeforeyoudie.blogspot.com/

http://1001thingsnottodobeforeyoudie.blogspot.com/

http://1001thingsnottodobeforeyoudie.blogspot.com/

http://1001thingsnottodobeforeyoudie.blogspot.com/

The Dolphin Mafia and The Waste Management Industries: An Exclusive Expose - Part I

East Rutherford, NJ - Donald Altieri lived, on paper, a normal life.  A middle class family man, rising through the ranks of a respected neighborhood carting firm from trash handler, to driver, to dispatcher, eventually to regional manager.  With the modest career path fulfilled, the few trappings of luxury he acquired for his family - a mink stole for his wife, a late model used Jeep for his son, a high-end SUV for himself - seemed ordinary.  However when Mr. Altieri took the stand at Federal Court yesterday, his life was nothing but ordinary.  A high level Captain in the Odontoceti Crime Family, Mr. Altieri turned state's evidence in return for a reduced sentence for guilty pleas in racketeering, money laundering and violations of the RICO act.  The revelations that followed Mr. Altieri's testimony shocked the world of organized crime.

"I [have] been working for the Odontoceti's for about 38 years.  It started small enough when I was just picking up trash, just a kid dropping out of high school.  First we'd start by smashing [the other carting company's] bins and dumpsters.  [Just to] Let them know who's boss.  As I got better [at petty vandalism], I [would] get better jobs.  But some [of the jobs] were queer.  Strange, you know?  Not in the [REDACTED] way.  Fifty pounds of fresh tuna here.  Sinking a trawler boat in Elizabeth [New Jersey] there.  Breaking the legs of a blacksmith who worked on the docks.  Paying huge bribes to Greenpeace.  Something was a little bit, pardon my pun, fishy."

PART II of The Expose Continues Tomorrow.

New Zealand is Opening the Gates of Hell

For all those who relish the rapture, I've got great news for you: Due to the actions of certain New Zealanders, the apocalypse may very well be upon us.  For any of these fools to think that swimming with a playful dolphin on holiday is a great idea, you're doing it wrong.  It's a horrible idea.  It is fraught with peril and dangerous.  That and it will unleash the full powers of the four horsemen - Rape, Vegemite, Pestilence and Non-Alcoholic Beer.  Swimming with a dolphin is the same as eating at Red Lobster.  It looks like a good idea on TV but the experience is so much worse, you'll end up sick and probably violated anally.  

So if this dolphin sharing behavior continues, the antichrist will reveal themselves to the world and commence judgement.  Just your luck though, I happen to have the inside scoop on this.  I know the identity of the antichrist:  Tilda Swinton.

This kinda makes sense, doesn't it?  She's fairly terrifying looking, is a ginger kid and has acted in some terrible movies.  That sounds sorta antichristy behavior to me, doesn't it?  

Alright.  Back to making love to my sweet new fiance, Heidi Montag and her fake cans, face, eyes, calves, hair, cheekbones, chin, toenails, labia, earlobes and duodenum.  

Oh crap - I'm fucking a robot.

Enemies of Humanity, Part XXIV: Oprah

First things first:  One Named People are not to be trusted.  Madonna (cough - slut!), Shakira (cough - midget slut!), John Wilkes Booth (cough - great aim!).  Second things second: People who name their production company anything other than "Worldwide Pants" are not to be trusted.  That puts Oprah squarely in our crosshairs, as if we were a Franz Ferdinand song or for that matter as if we were just actually Franz Ferdinand.

Oprah, with her see-saw weight problems (too much krill, I think) and her megalomania (check under your seats) and unbridled, holier-than-thou magnanimity (again, check under your seats) should be one of the first against the wall should the revolution come.  Yes - I get it.  You came from nothing.  Yes - I get it.  You forged a billion dollar media empire.  Yes  - I get it.  You enjoy cake.

Further investigation yields the following results:

Oprah is very close in spelling to "Orca" in that both words contain an "o", "r" and "a".  Furthermore, Oprah is 90% blubber.  It doesn't take a leap of the imagination to figure this out.  Oprah is an evolutionary off-shoot of the killer whale.  I mean, they're both black, right?  They both eat seals.  Both are the darlings of the liberal elite.  Both have problems mating in captivity.  

So case closed.  Oprah is an enemy of humanity because she is a killer whale.  

OH SNAP! I WANT THIS!

Honeywell (NYSE: HON) is one of the world's foremost manufacturers of thermostats, automobile parts and that's right - weapon systems.  Imagine my delight when it was announced the Honeywell partnered with Microsoft to create this bad boy:

The Honeywell Dolphin 7850... 

Set this bad boy to "char broil" and commence the slaughter.  It took them long enough to create an actually functioning Star Trek (TM) style phaser gun thingybob.  I mean, look at all the sweet buttons and touch screen.  This thing just screams "let's toast us some Tribbles" or "look out, humpbacks, I got me a laser gun!"  God I want one... how much are they?  

Two Hours Later:  Um.  After a cease and desist email from the fine lawyers at Cadawalalalader, Wickersham, Haversham, Taft, Skadden, Arps, McKinsey & Co., I must (1) remove all mention of the above product and (2) note to my readers that this is indeed a barcode scanner and not, I repeat NOT a raygun.

I'm severely disappointed and will have to go back to the old way of killing dolphins:  A 2'x4' with a couple 16 penny nails through the end.

My life, so full of vibrance and vivacity and other "v" words, has suddenly become fallow and barren, like most  girl's uteruses.  Uterii?  Uterae?  

I'll have to look that up.

They've Formed Squadrons!

What the fucking hell is this?  They're at it again.  First they're causing economic and geopolitical instability.  Next they're writing in major periodicals convincing us to remain sober.  Now, the worst is upon us:

Dolphins are forming into maritime squadrons and practicing maneuvers.  You know that whole US Military in the desert joint operations stuff where entire airwings and full armored brigades fly and drive around in Nevada blowing stuff up in what looks like a really fun time, like Burning Man sans hippies?  Well the dolphins are up to it now.  Except that's not cool.  That's terrifying.  Once they organize they can overpower our Ohio Class submarines, get the access codes and start nuking bitches.  And they'll probably start with Orlando Florida since so many of their kin are impriso - entertaining there.  

Actually, that wouldn't be a bad thing.  Let's wait until after they nuke Orlando.  The world would be a better (and thinner) place without that cesspool of humanity where middle (fat) class Americans go to gorge on force-fed pop culture and force fed cheese coated cheese dogs.  

I bet the nuking of Orlando would smell like a giant barbecue... Fat sizzling on the pavement of Disney World.  The little piggy children and Doris and Alex Caldwell of Omaha, Nebraska boiling in the artificial lagoons of Universal Studios Theme Park.  The screams of terror from Peter "Big Dog" Marks and his wife LuAnne as little Peter "Lil' Dog" and LuAnne Jr., "Poopy Pants" are incinerated by a 20 kiloton MIRV.  

Yeah - wait until the dolphins take the Ohio Classes and nuke Orlando THEN retaliate.

So watch the video and follow my sentiments of NOT FUCKING COOL, DUDE.  Really - this is in newspeak what is usually called doubleplusungood.  

Dolphins Clip - Watch the best video clips here

Susan Cheever is Commie Pinko Dolphin Rat

One of the top articles emailed in the Paper of Record, err... the Grey Lady.... er, the leftist radical tax and spend democratic New York Times was by Susan Cheever.  This article is so full of crap and lies and mistruths and the basic elimination of fun that I did some "fact finding" (read: warrantless wiretaps) on Susan Cheever.  Welly well well well... much to my chagrin and not to my surprise, a shocking truth emerged.  I guess you'll just have to read the transcript:

NYT Editor: Listen, Susan, I really need you to undermine the power of the Federal Government.  We only have a month until our overlord is installed and all the minorities get millions of dollars from 300% tax increases on corporations.  But every second a patriot like George Bush is in office is a second we must use to be subversive.  I want you to call our friends in Communist China and Cuba to see if they can send some operatives.  By the way, great job slandering all the hard working investment bankers.

Susan Cheever:  Eeep!  Eeeep!  Brururururururur chrrrrrrrrrrrr POP!  

NYT Editor: That's right.  I want the op-ed to reflect -

Susan Cheever: Icky icky icky!

NYT Editor: Exactly, thank the vast right wing conspiracy called the silent majority for allowing us the entrance into this most devious of plots.  Also, don't forget to shit upon Jesus.  All praise Allah!

Susan Cheever: ping ping ping zip Allah!

NYT Editor:  I know.  I can't wait until the US finds it's true place in the world as an Islamic dictatorship under Pervez Al'Raish Ibn Hussein Ibn Barack Ibn Obama Bin Ibn Ibn

Susan Cheever: eckeckeckeck prrrrrrrrrrrrip!

NYT Editor: Good job, Susan.  Keep the elite in check.  Keep the masses subjugated.  I promise you this.  The Gulf of Mexico will be your private Caliphate.

Wiretap Engineer: Bye!

NYT Editor:  Bye!... Wait, did you just say "bye"?  Fuck!  Abort!  They're on to -----

Yep. She's a dolphin...  Susan Cheever in her one "woman" effort to end drunken revelry, which by the way infuses much needed capital into the world economy and much needed cirrhosis into my liver, is conspiring with the management of the New York Times to overthrow that most American of ideals:  Getting shitcanned and telling everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, exactly "what you think".

Screw you, Cheever and the buoy you swam in on.

(By the way - in retrospect, saying "bye" while illegally wiretapping someone probably wasn't in my best interests...)

Bernard L. Madoff: American Hero

Now I know what you're thinking: How can this fucknugget rape $50 billion away from prominent investors the world over, crippling personal fortunes and wiping out many a noble charity and still be classified as an American Hero?  Well, there is logic behind this madness.  Bear with me:

1.  Bernie the Douche ran a classic Ponzi scheme.  Paying initial investors with high "returns" that was actually just the money from subsequent investors and no relevance to sound investing.

2.  In the process, he netted some of the richest people in the world and their foundations.

3.  Some of these foundations provided excellent services for the poor and less fortunate of the world.

4.  Once these foundations cease to support the teeming masses, well they will do what teeming masses have done for time immemorial: rise up and cast the fetters of rulership from their shoulders in a revolution, be it bloodless or not.

5.  Once a revolution is underway, a new revolutionary government will rise to the forefront creating a new world order.

6.  Since the chaos and uncertainty of the revolutionary economy will more than likely not support the concept of legal tender, a barter economy will likely arise.

7.  Barter economies tend to value rare commodities very highly.

8.  What's rare?  Fucking Whale Oil, Bitches.

That's right.  Madoff is an American hero because the instability created by his massive scam will inevitably open the doors for unrestricted dolphin/whale warfare.  Think U-Boats in WWI.  We're the U-Boats, the dolphins are the Lusitania and I'm Kaiser Wilhelm II.  That makes my mother Woodrow Wilson, my best friend Field Marshal Haig and my boxer shorts the Schlieffen Plan.

The New Deal

So I'm a history buff, right? One could say I'm "buffing my history" right now. Let's just say the mouse is a tiny bit sticky. So is the keyboard. So is the monitor. So is your mom's face. Wow. That got out of hand quickly.

In any case, in my search of knowledge, I came across a little known proviso within FDR's New Deal: The Tennessee Valley Authority was not created to bring electricity to the rural South. Instead it's sole purpose was to weaponize dolphins. "Yeah," you're thinking, "but the war hadn't even started yet" to which I will say "weren't we? Weren't we?" We're constantly at war. That's what separates us from the animals, except of course the Field Marshal Dromedary. That's a fucked up beast in its own right. So the dams were all made as a playground for evil Nazi dolphins, hand trained by FDR himself who insisted that the bullshit fake healing powers of dolphins would cure his polio. Guess what, Frankie. It didn't. And your fuck up has killed the fine art of bass fishing for generations because the dolphins reproduced and ate all the fish in the reservoirs. I guess what I'm trying to say is FDR was a royal douche. And the dolphins that saved JFK when the PT109 was hit by the Japanese destoyer are directly responsible for all venereal disease because each and every disease, including that one that makes your dick look like cauliflour, are directly traced to JFK.

Fucking presidents. When will they learn?

Obama's a dolphin.

The Hiatus is OVER

I've found a kindred spirit!  Huzzah!

THIS GUY

So in the spirit of giving, I shall give unto thee the resurrected mission statement of Why Dolphins Suck:

To illuminate the world to the impending peril rendered by the continual survival of dolphins and their kin.  To espouse sufficient hatred vis a vis dolphins thusly spurring mankind into the action of violence against all maritime mammals except sharks (which are awesome).  So say we all.

I just threw a Battlestar Galactica reference in there.  

Let the resurrection of WDS commence forthwith!  

Bloomberg to Seek Third Anti-Dolphin Term as Mayor

Huzzah!  Bloomberg's gonna run again.  He's using the old "we're in a financial crisis and the city needs a steady and experienced hand routine," to which I concur.  But we all know it's to complete his already stellar program of dolphin extermination.  By cleaning up our rivers and harbor, Mike has encouraged dolphins to venture further into New York's waterways than ever before - even so far as the Gowanus Canal.  Thus, Mike's pro-environmental tactics have brought the murder of these murderers into the reach of everyday and casual New York dolphin murderer's murder.  Why the other day I was down at the Battery, near the Holocaust Museum (in an irony that was not lost on me) where I spied with my little eye something that starts with "P".  Right there, within spitting distance was a porpoise.  Quick like a bunny I ran to a street vendor and bought two Sabrett's with mustard.  Well known fact, the blowholes don't like Hebrew National hot dogs.  I tossed one Sabrett about 20 feet out while the other frank was dropped a mere 4 feet in front of me in the water.  With the all-beef goodness creating an ET-esque trail, sans Reese's Pieces, the porp. swam slowly an inexorably closer.  Momentarily borrowing i.e. stealing a broom handle from a local street cleaner, I taped a plastic butter knife to the end for a makeshift harpoon.  Taking careful aim, I Queequeg'd the weapon and it found it's home, solid and true, lodged within the blowhole of the fearsome predator.  Leaping over the promenade's railing into the water, I grasped the spear and rattled it around within the blowhole, causing an uncomfortable plastic butter knife serration chafing.  The beast cried in dismay and turned towards the ocean, flippering as fast as it's flippers can flipper.  Then it got hit by the Circle Line and flailed helplessly.  A local kayaker, taking advantage of Mikey's newly cleaned Hudson River, towed the ailing beast towards the shore.  Identifying myself as a marine biologist, I grabbed the fish and beat it to death with a rock.  Unsympathetic onlookers began to verbally assail me from the shore but I defused the situation by saying I was an expert and flashing my badge (from Cookie Crisp, ca. 1984).  

In short, thank you Mike for making the killing of fish easier and within grasp (quite literally) of the average New Yorker and here's to one more successful and bloody term.

Dolphins Ruin the Stock Market.... Aaaaagain

777 points, the equivalent of $1.2 trillion was lost in the market today.  You see, I have a degree in advanced poly-economics of the inverse proportionality in fiduciary trading systems so I'm what Scientologists like to call smarter than the average frat boy who worked at Duke and then was a Junior Level Analyst at Lehman who lived at Normandie Court and banged assistants he took home on Thursday nights from the roof bar at Sutton Place who is now schadenfreudedly unemployed.  

Most people are blaming the government for not passing a $700 billion blank check to the failed banks.  What most people do not know is that the 95 Democrats and 133 Republicans who voted against the bailout are in fact cetaceans.  Lynn Westmoreland, Republican of Georgia is currently lost in an estuary trying to find his way back out to sea.  Steven Rothman, Democrat from New Jersey is frantically trying to remove a harpoon from his back in the Sea of Japan.  Virginia Brown-Waite of Florida is a Republican Representative currently residing in Starkist (60%), Chicken of the Sea (35%) and Bumble Bee Tuna (+/- 4%) cans after being caught in a North Atlantic net.   So no wonder it failed - half of the votes of "No" were cast by a cabal of anti-finance dolphins voting subversively in the stead of their deceased or otherwise incapacitated HoR colleagues.  

So if you are an unemployed trader and vowing vengeance against those that wronged you, don't go after the corrupt CEOs who raped both their employees and investors.  Don't go after the system of deregulated government that fostered a culture of unfettered greed.  Don't go after your own hubris for subscribing to an ultimately flawed education and employment in an unsound industry.  Instead, attack with extreme predjudice those ultimately against you and your idiotic life choices - the Dolphins.

So join up with a Greenlander Whaling Fleet and ship to sea.  You'll see the world, avenge your in not anyway personally fostered failure and make some good money.

I'll see you at sea, bitches.  

Go MBA!

KHAN!

OK - so I'm screaming "KHHHHAAAANNN!!!" a la Bill Shatner right now.  I have a new enemy.  No, not the FDIC - they're an old enemy.  More like a nemesis actually.  We've been playing a cat and mouse game for quite some time, my friends.

The new enemy - wait for it - another maritime mammal on the hit list: 

Some background - Roughly 5,000 years ago when Jesus and King David joined their power rings to create the earth, the creatures, the plants and Batman, they met with some unintended results.  First, they fucked up by making the dolphin and the whale.  The squid, though - they kick ass.  But then - they also made an evil cousin to the dolphin - the Sea Turtle.  

Yes, the dreaded Sea Turtle with it's fangs and claws and armored dorsal fin.  I didn't really fully comprehend the menace this mammal is to mankind and the fate of the world in general until I saw this Merril Streape movie in which she cries in the dark "Sea Turtles took my baby!"  For you see, manflesh is like chocolate to these bastards.  

Luckily we have two...no three... three fearsome weapons at our disposal:

1.  Like the British, we can forment increased dolphin vs. sea turtle violence - they naturally hate one another like the Lichens and the Vampires.  Let them fight and kill themselves out.

2.  Seaturtle.org allows you to satellite track your sponored sea turtle.  Well that means we have coordinates and I have a big red button that I can press.  When I press it it says "That Was Easy!" and I'm told by the acne crusted gentleman who sold it to me that everytime I press it a 155mm artillery shell is launched at a dolphin.  I acquired this miracle device for a song, I think - only $2,900.  Right?  Prrreetty sweet.

3.  Fanatical devotion to the Pope.

What Can I Get For $700,000,000,000?

You know what I can get?  This:

THIS MANY: 2.80112045 × 10¹⁰

Ha Ha - Suckers!

Fucking Retards.

No really - that's it - I hate fucking retards and their bike helmets and bagging my groceries.

But dolphins are pretty dumb too.  A family of 15 have been stuck in the New Joisey Navesink River since the summer and one of them just washed up dead - today.  Score(s)!  They must've made a wrong turn in Albequerque because now the "experts" and "marine scientists" are debating how to rescue them.  I say kill 'em all and let the Flying Spaghetti Monster sort them out.  You know how a loveable scamp of a stray voiced by Michael J. Fox or some other cripple makes it home on some sort of trek when his owners leave him behind?  Didn't anyone ever say "Hey, where's the two dogs and the cat we own?"  Major plot flaw.  Regardless of that Disney saccharine vomit, you never hear a story of a dolphin "making it home again."  They just get stuck and give up.  Which is encouraging because if this trend persists, we got a genocide on our hands.  But a good one.  Not like what the Inuit did to the Norse Settlers of Greenland.  That was our white person land, thank you very much.

Read and be wowed:

http://www.venganza.org/

Here's the article of the stupid dolphins from Newsday - which comes to me as a surprise that this periodical even exists anymore...

http://www.newsday.com/news/local/wire/newjersey/ny-bc-nj--waywarddolphins0924sep24,0,4101388.story

Best Book Ever.

So I guess this guy, Herm Edwards wrote an expose of the whaling industry in the 13th century called "Moby Dick".  Oh shit!  Remember writing book reports in 5th Grade and the rules were you had to underline a book title?  I totally just didn't do that.  So Moby Dick is freaking awesome.  I haven't gotten to the end yet, but I'm assuming there will be a whale slaughter of unprecedented awesomeness to cap off what has already been a quite enjoyable read.  I'm at the part now where the guy goes "Call me Ishmael".  Fucking hardcore sweet, right?  I can't wait to see how this ends.

(SEVEN HOURS LATER)

FUCK!   (Spoiler Alert) - The Whale sinks the boat and everyone dies except Ichabod.

Bummer.

Dolphins Sabotaged Travis Barker!

I knew it.  It was only a matter of time before they struck again...  Apparently last night, some dolphin terrorists sabotaged the Lear Jet (I fly Gulfstream, myself) that was set to take former Blink-176 accordionist Travis Barker and iPod press-player DJ AM from SC to CA.  The plane skid across the runway, through a fence, across a road, stopped at a Wendy's drive-in then hit an embankment.  Columbia, SC authorities said that they had seen "long trails of water, discarded crab carcasses and a Flipper DVD" in the hangar that had stored the plane.

My take on it:  Jealous of the success of 1999's "Enema of the State" and the fact that Nicole Richie's vagina is looser than a blowhole, dolphin terrorists spiked the JP-5 with sea water (and judging by the severity of the fire, I'd say they obtained the water from the Persian Gulf - I mean that's basically 94% kerosene anyway) and the engines flamed out, causing a catastrophic occurrence of "gravity + flammable liquid".

Oh - and for those of you tsk-tsking "this is in such bad taste", may I add perspective:

Two rich people flying in a multimillion dollar private greenhouse gas machine are burned.

40+ people died when a car bomb exploded outside the Islamabad Marriot.  40 working people who are not in possession of an aircraft that even leased runs roughly $1,000 per hour MORE than the GDP per Capita of Pakistan ($2,600).

So there.

Princess Di - Rich, killed extravagantly by Dolphins.

JFK Jr. - Rich, killed spectacularly by Dolphins.

Rainer Wolfcastle - Rich, fictional animated character.

If the dolphins keep killing rich people, I might have to change the name of this website.

Oh My Crap!

How can this possibly get worse?  First, they're crippling our economy and causing hurricanes - Oh - I didn't mention that?  Dolphins get together with other like minded fishes and swim in groups upwards of 2 million in giant hundred mile circumference cicles creating a whirlpool that due to the sea mist's interaction with the atmosphere, causes the spiraling effect of the hurricane's cloud pattern.  What a bunch of douches.  And all this time you thought it was a butterfly flapping its wings in China.  Everyone knows the only thing that causes is my ex to blow whoever's walking past her apartment.

Anyway, I divest.  No - wait - I wish I divested.  But I didn't...  So instead of writing this from my Gulfstream IX, I'm only writing it from the back of an S65AMG.  Ooopsy!

Oh - so here's why I said "Oh My Crap!" -

WTC?!??!  Sorry - Meant WTF.  WTC stands for something that I'm supposed to Never Forget (TM) but somehow have.  So the dolphins are either A) sentient extraterrestial beings who really want to communicate with a pink liquid filled Ed Harris or B) in league with Industrial Light Magic and have a kickass FX budget.  I cannot fathom what evil this portends.  Or pretends. Or pretence.  Or pretensioners.  Or the Pretenders.  Or the Predator.  Or the Prenatal Care Unit.  Or Law and Order: SVU.  Or  Survivor Gabon.  Or Zsa Zsa Gabor.  Or Gabbo.  

Dolphin CEOs Will Rape The Nation!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Walruses - You're On The List, Too

According to that ever reliable and never fabricated English publication The Sun, Walruses in the Tokyo aquarium hold "Jam Sessions".  Unless your name is Miles, Monk or Mingus, you are not allowed to have a jam session.  Inevitably these jam sessions, especially if you're white and suburban begin under the auspices of assembling musically like-minded people for some creative fun and ultimately devolve into five guitarists sitting on a couch with a king size bag of Doritos, a bong and the season two DVDs of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.  I can only assume that since walruses look like the two most whitest people on earth, Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage that indeed, this jam session will sound like this:

"Man, I really love 'St. Stephen'".

"Me too... pass it this way."

"Giggle".

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1687109.ece

Done Broke My Hand

I done broke my word hand Thursday night.  Basically I was walking down the street and there was this gorgeous woman.  Stunning but she seemed to be in distress.  A gang of street thugs were accosting her so I did the right thing - I crossed the street against the light and went into another bar.  

Later that evening though, while taking the water taxi for some reason that may have made sense at the time, it was my turn to be assaulted.  Five or six fucking dolphins leapt from the water on to the deck of the boat.  The beasts were so near I could smell the tuna on their breath.  Scanning the boat, I ascertained that my best option for improvised weaponry would be the inflatable vest to my right.  As I was about to jam the vest down the throat of the dolphin I assumed to be the leader, one of the minions fucking flipper smacked me.  I slid backwards across the deck and arose like an angered sea god from pagan times.  Charging the fish, I double foot kicked the main one a la Eric Cantona while simltaneously throwing the life vest into the maw of one of the others.  After taking a quick bouce to my feet, I pulled the rip cord to self inflate the vest upon which the other one was choking.  He exploded and the concussion cast his compatriots careering into the cay.  

Pretty exciting, huh?

Oh - right - the hand.  While writing the post-action report at the station house (and yes, my dolphin extermination campaign has a station house) I dropped a pencil on the floor and my secretary Janine, while sweet despite the caustic NY accent, rolled over my pinky with a handtruck.

Dolphin Taxi Drivers

As a New Yorker, often you encounter a taxi driver with a less than stellar grasp of the English language.  I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, I'm just saying it leaves something to be desired.  Actually, I AM saying there's something wrong with that - these dirty immigrants and foreigners are taking jobs that Americans could but do not want to do.  We shouldn't have taxis then.  That's the true American way - if it's too hard or too menial and no one else will do it, then it should never get done.  (That sorta sounded like the opening speech of the A-Team were it written by Camus).  

So the South Asian drivers - yeah, they ain't that good - but the worst by far are the Dolphin drivers.  Allow my to portray a short vignette, a la the Bard.  Not Bard College - that's a bunch of Dykes - almost as bad as Barnard where that slut went.  I mean the Bard like Billy Shakes.  That's how I knew him when I was an Elizabethan noble.  This is like the fourth time I've time traveled in my asides, and for some reason I always end up in an elaborate era of English history.  Crap - am I a closet Anglophile?  I mean, I was an AngloPHILE if you know what I mean until she let other guys' philes into her anglo...  Shit - the short nonsensical play about nothing...  BACK TO ACTION!  

Me: Uh, yeah, 43rd between tenth and eleventh...

Dolphin Cabbie:  (falls out of cab, dies of dessication)

Me: Cool - free Crown Vic / Hybrid Escape / Honda Odyssey

Actually - I guess I sorta like dolphin cabbies.  That was a roundabout way to come to an ultimately simple conclusion.

oh.

that and happy giuliani day!

!

A Momentary Time Out

OK - I support our troops.  I like when they kill things.  It makes me Toby Keith Proud.

Thus I give you:

http://www.cafepress.com/ArmyPoppins

So spread the word!  A real post soon.

(Also this too: http://www.cafepress.com/Nanoo4_Hoth)

My Rage Knows No Bounds!

Except maybe Gina Gershon in Bound.  

So you know who's not off the hook, obvious forthcoming pun notwithstanding?  Manatees.  Too long have they plagued our coastal waterways with their lollygagging, loitering and lethargic lagunal lounging.  Didn't even need a thesaurus for that one - just came fully grown like Athena, straight from the noggin.  Without all the incest and beastiality that was prevalent amongst the Olympians.  Now the Norse - those were some badass raping gods.  

Manatees - right.  The name Manatee by itself is enough to hate them.  It is derived from manati, a Caino Indian word meaning beast that predates Cristobal Colon.  You hear that?  Well, obviously you didn't hear it unless you have some sort of text to speech device - instead you just read it.  In bold.  So that a point has been made.  Beasts are to be exterminated like the Caino were.  With extreme predjudice and racism with a healthy dash of prostelytizing them with the word of the one true God.  Kali-Ma.  

ALL HAIL LORD DARK GODDESS KALI-MA.

(Pulls out stone, puts next to other stone, burns hands, drops stone, cuts rope bridge)

OK - Maybe Kali-Ma wasn't the best bet for a conversion tool.  I know what I'll do.  I'll hook the manatees up to a fake machine that tells you you're stressed so you'll buy books and maybe eventually buy the machine itself.  Man.  What a fucking scam that would be.  It would be like a modern day charlatan - recapturing the ethos of the 19th Century American Tent Revivals where pastor/preacher/con artist would plant people in his audience and "cure" them.  If only I could invent a modern day fake religion where wealthy adherents just showered you with money to learn the next steps of the invented ideology.  What a brilliant idea.  

One problem though - if I do invent a fake machine that tells you what the manatee is feeling and it happens to be electrically powered, I might shock the manatees.  Then I wouldn't know who they're feeling and thus couldn't squeeze them for more money.  But then again, I would have killed several manatees which I guess ultimately is the goal.  So I guess I'll take my fake machine and see if it works on people. 

Sincerely,

Elrond Hubber

dammit - I only hit'em 5 times!

Enemies of Humanity, Part IV: Pamela Anderson

The litany of reasons behind Ms. Baywatch's nomination for the category of outstanding douchery are many.  We can go into so many different facets of Anderson's complex, er, personality but let's start with the first and easiest.

She's a Fucking Canadian.  That's right, the rack that launched a thousand tissues - or that a thousand tissues were launched into - is a Canuck.  A Queeb.  A British Columbian.  A Saskatoonie.  From our soon to be hostile neighbor to the north, the mediocre backwater of Canadia.  Let's go into some stats about Canada that may shock and amuse you.

On a whole, Canadians average one foot shorter in height than Americans.

The Canadian diet consists mostly of dog meat.

In all of Canada, there is only one helicopter and it's owned by the Montreal Canadien hockey team.

The national sport of Canada is Murderball.

These reasons alone would make Pamela Anderson, as the official face - well not "face" per se - more like "cans" - as the official Cans of Canada and no enemy to humanity but noooo.... She has to go and do the unthinkable.  Join PETA.  Even though it stands for "People Eating Tasty Animals", PETA is actually against that (AWESOME) stuff.  And against fur which is so warm and comfy.  And against of course, abusing for fun and profit the maritime mammals.  I'm sure those PETA fucks could care less about the noble Manta Ray or the proud and intelligent and evolutionary stalwart Horseshoe Crab.  "Get on the train", the PETA hypocrites probably shout.  But god forbid a cold blooded click factory like a dolphin gets caught in a net.  If they're so fucking smart, how are they getting caught in nets?  I mean really - when has a net ACTUALLY ever worked on a human.  I'm sure in Roman times, like 200 years ago, when the Gladiators were hanging out back stage or back collesium or whatever and it was time to be issued weapons for the show, all of them were saying "please don't give me the trident and net, please don't give me the trident and net, please don't - FUCK - crap.  There goes my life.  I got the fucking trident and net... what did you end up with Masculinius Crapbeateria?"  "Uh, I got a helmet, a shield, and a sword, comrade Pussilickium Deadonarrivalus.  Did you end up with.... (falls into uncontrollable laughter) - the (pauses to regain breath) the net!?"

That's from actual history written by actual Romans in Hieroglyphics translated from the Rosetta Stone.  The DVDs called Rosetta Stone told me that.  

Back to Pammycakes.  Pamela Anderson was awarded PETA's Linda McCartney award for blah blah blah whatever it might be about.  Now so long as she wasn't awarded the Heather McCartney-Mills award for motorcycle handling skills, she would have a leg to stand on.  

It was really sad when they made Rosetta Stone ride the back of the bus back in the 50s.

09/07/01 - Never Forget

Today is the Seven Year Anniversary of the Day that Shook The World - September 7th, 2001.  Besides the defeat of Saladin by Richard I in the Third Crusade and the world's first submarine attack in New York Harbor in 1776, September 7th will go into the annals of history as a day of tragedy and triumph, evil and good, salty and sweet.  September 7th is the day that I awoke to the terror around us.  Wealthy Saudi Arabian students with enough ennui to want to kill westerners.  Oh - wait.  That was the real terror around us.  Let's get back to the fabricated terror that I far more appreciate.

09/07/01: I was attacked by a dolphin.  It was just your typical suburban kid's post college vacation.  Mid August, I hopped on the the family's Gulfstream to Monaco with a couple of friends.  We had the boat waiting for us because we were going to go to the Greek islands.  A family friend owns a couple of them so we were going to stay in one of the bungalows there.  They're modest little 20,000 square foot places.  Nothing special.  

Before settling in Greece though, we wanted to stop by Tunisia to visit Carthage.  It's quite a bustling city with all the trumpet playing and jeeps overlooking the ampitheaters and all.  (Five Bucks for the first person to get that reference).  Seriously though, Tunisia.  While swimming in the Meditteranean off the coast of Tunisia off of the launch boat, I felt a tugging at my peni - my leg.  I felt a tugging at my leg.  I thought to myself "Self, now why would something be tugging on me when I left the Parisian prostitutes on board the ship?"  I reached down and I felt something silky to the touch, with raw power coursing through it.  After I took my hand out of my pants, I felt a dolphin.  There was a fucking dolphin trying to snout bang me.  Seriously, that fucker was going for the Hershey Highway like Andy Dick at a Chelsea Night Club with Kathy Griffin filming and Tom Cruise behind a two-way mirror watching the action.  

So how do I react?  How would you react?  Do you go Mythbusters on it's ass and punch the nose?  I know - sharks, but since sharks and dolphins are related, maybe it will work.  Do I try to fishhook it's blow hole?  

Right as the dolphin is about to penetrate and take my dignity, I realize - DUH - I never go swimming in Europe without a Russian made Avtomat Podvodnyj Spetsialnyj and wondered why I didn't recall that earlier, that I was in fact swimming with a 10 pound waterproof 5.6mm flechette round assault rifle over my shoulder.  

So I let off a couple rounds, right in the cranial region.  Dolphin problem solved, anal integrity preserved.

So that's why I hate dolphins and that's why 09/07/01 - Never Forget.  

Let's nuke Saudi Arabia.  That would solve a LOT of problems.

I Don't Like These People

So I found a bunch of folks out there in cyberspace who are just so freaking stupid it actually baffles the mind.  Yes.  Baffles are put in your mind due to this group's utter retardation.  Let's just read a small sampling of their rhetoric.

This brutal massacre — the largest scale dolphin kill in the world — goes on for six months of every year. Even more scandalous, members of the international dolphin display industry take advantage of the dolphin slaughter to obtain some few, show-quality dolphins for use in captive dolphin shows and dolphin swim programs.

And the problem is???  I'm sorta not really getting their point.  This is somehow a BAD thing?  BUZZ WHIRR DOES NOT COMPUTE ROBOT.

So here's the link to these pussies: http://www.savejapandolphins.org/educate.php

I mean really?  REALLY?  Just take a read of a couple more of their stances:

The fishermen say they kill the dolphins "quickly and humanely." That's an outright lie. The methods used to kill the dolphins are so savage, it's hard to believe it unless you witness it for yourself. And once you've seen it, the images and sounds of the screaming dolphins never go away. 

What's your problem?  This is perfectly OK.  Nay, replace OK with this is perfectly awesome and should be continued.  They're trying to paint this nightmarish picture of a bloodthirsty slaughter.  Fuck metaphor - I want fucking video of this shit.  I'd be sitting here with a Volcano TacoBell Taco and its liquid hot fire magma sauce, full screen that shit so I could revel in the blood, crank up the surround sound and fucking whip it out and jack off to that shit.  Dude, that would be awesome.  Getting a lil' stiffy right now just thinking about it.

Hello there, Dolphinkind.  We have guns.  We build things.  We can fucking talk for christ's sake.  Hell - we had Christ.  Who'd you have?  Captain Torah?  Captain Torah - that's the guy who founded Judaism, right?  Historical fact: Before founding Judaism, Captain Torah (first name Hannibal) was only 2nd Lieutenant Torah in the Hindu Light Brigade.  He defected to Holland and started his own academy called Anne Frank by a bizarre 5,000 year separated coincidence.  

Any of y'alls hardcore hackers out there?  If so, I implore you to crash the hell out of these ignorant fucks webbysite.  That'll show them to use the internets for evil rather than awesome.

Porn.

Never Hire a Dolphin Drummer

Here we go, folks.  So you and your three friends, right - they're really into Wilco and one buddy is "so totally sure" that he's the next Tweedy.  So you start jamming, having a good time, playing things that sound like Gram Parsons if Gram Parsons had a white noise generator and then BAM - you realize - "Brah, we need a fuckin' drummer, Dude..."  Thus begins the quest of a lifetime for all guitarists:  The Quest For A Decent Drummer drummer drummer drummer

See what I did there?  I used font sizes to make it dramatic.  Classy.  So here's the thing with drummers.  1.  There's not that many of them.  2.  There's even fewer that are good.  I don't care what y'alls say, but Ringo Starr was a fantastic drummer.  Why?  HE KEPT THE BEAT.  That's a drummers job.  Worst drummer ever?  That Fuck Nugget from Dave Matthews Band.   "Hey, you know what this drum kit needs in addition to 94 roto-toms?  How about 4 sets of chimes, 2 gongs, 14 woodblocks and that maraca thing with the metal beads.  Yeah, now we're new age rocking!"  What a douche.  Basically, in hiring a dolphin drummer, you will get a similar result.  A drummer who plays too many notes, probably has a double bass drum, wants to take a solo like his middle name is "Moby Dick" (which is awesome by the way) and always, I MEAN ALWAYS accelerates the tempo.  Carter.  That's his name.  Carter's the fuckhead from Dave Matthews Band (or just "Dave" as the faggots who like that crap call it).  God I wish that guy was a dolphin because I'd harpoon the fuck out of him, post haste.  

There was this dolphin once, a friend of my brothers.  He said "Yo, you gotta hear this new 'Dave' song... it's called 'All Along the Watchtower,'" to which my brother replies "Not only did you miss the Jimi Hendrix version that EVERYBODY knows, you also missed the U2 Rattle and Hum version and COMPLETELY missed the boat on the fact that BOB DYLAN WROTE IT."

Fucking Dolphins.  Fucking retarded.

And they like really bad music.

What the fuck.

To the Residents of New Orleans:

Count your blessings.  Not only did the Hurricane Gustav not destroy your city but it "dampened" (pun) the efforts of the Republicans to have a party.  Now you're probably asking yourself "why are you mocking, sir?  By all accounts, Mr. Dolphin Hater, you seem pretty fucking Republican."  Well, let's go through the checklist:

1. Upholds laws selectively only when not flagrantly breaking it?  CHECK.

2. Blatant disregard for the environment?  DUH.

3. Freaking LOVE FEST for the Military?  HELL FUCKING YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS!

4. A secret family life including pregnancies, affairs (gay or straight), secret drug abuses?  I HAVE TAKEN THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SPEAK TO YOU TO INFORM THE PUBLIC THAT I AM TAKING TIME FROM MY POST TO SPEND WITH MY FAMILY.

Crap - I just subconsciously gave the standard Republican resignation speech.  I guess I am a Republican but in all honesty I thought I was more Republican like the NeoCons or Michigan Militias.  I guess I was wrong.  I guess I'm just a standard run of the mill white Republican.  Crap.  Wanna go to J. Crew then?

Back to the Home of Bush, Reggie Bush.  Gustav didn't really do much except drizzle on N.O., thus squelching my intelligence reports of a massive levy-based dolphin semi-amphibious invasion.  Actually it would just be a nautical invasion pending several million years of evolution to get legs (which won't happen because dolphins were made that way by God and there is no evolution) and probably a plot device involving a well meaning but embarassing college dad played by Eugene Levy.  

Wow that was a long way to go to just work in an American Pie reference.  Please don't let me write train of thought anymore unless we're all confident I'll end up with Naked Lunch... or at least Naked during Lunch with that chick a couple cubicles over.  No - not that one.  She'll sleep with anything.  And I mean ANYTHING.  

(I miss her.)

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Marriage is I Guess Sorta Cool

So my brother (younger) got married this weekend. It wasn't half bad. Who am I kidding? - it was freaking great. He married a human, which is always good for my cause as we need to perpetuate the species to 1. outbreed the dolphin and 2. outbreed the Palin family. I think they're up to 322 children (legitimate and otherwise). And the Spears' family. 9,878 in that clan.

Furthermore, my brother did his honeymoon right - left immediately at the wedding. And he didn't go to Atlantis resort which allows you to swim with captive dolphins. Which is OK because they're captive and therefore most likely depressed but still bad because people are getting exposed to them and getting the wrong idea that they're gentle and kind and sensitive creatures. Actually, besides my violent anti-dolphin platform of hatred, I can sorta be gentle and kind and sensitive. Thus completely without a girlfriend. Because girls respond to dickery, cockery, assholery and fuckheadery. And probably not to to fabricated words ushered into existence by the addition of "-ery".

The Atlantis resort made it look so appealing - frolicking in the tepid, urine saturated water, eating sanitized meals with sanitized families just like you, all the while keeping 100% isolated from the natives other than the "help". And exotic sea creatures at your beck and call to do your bidding, whatever it might be. It's basically the antithesis of Habitat for Humanity.

Wait a second. I hate hippies and Carter-type crap like Habitat for Humanity. By that logic, Atlantis resort is Awesome. I'm booking a trip right now. And I'm bringing a toaster and a 40' extension cord to electromocute some dolphins.

Stop Doing This To Your Children! Jackass...

So my very good friend stupid stupid stupidly took his fucking kid to the Gulfarium, whatever the fuck that is. And you know what? There's pictures of his kid smiling in front of a fucking motherfucking cocksucker of a dolphin. DUDE! Don't you know they're 1. not smart 2. retarded 3. blood thirsty killers and most importantly, 4. they rape each other. I know you've served your country, found a beautiful wife and raised a gorgeous family, but frankly, all of those things are out the window now. Because you're an idiot. You took your daughter basically to the maritime equivalent of Buchenwald. Except the people are the Jews and the dolphins are the Nazis. Underwater. Without guns. Crap. This analogy sucks.

Anywho... join me in condemning this upstanding albeit misguided Virginia family for taking their offspring to see Hitler underwater.

THEY ARE NOT CUTE! I HATE THEM! THEY HATE YOU!

http://burbwald.blogspot.com/2008/08/gulfarium.html




AIDS


FYI - Friend o'mine... I put your blog on my hotlinks. To the right. Look! You're famous!

Woo Hoo!.... I said... woo. hoo.

Ding dong the dolphin's dead! Dum Dum Dum... Another One Bites the Dust! And Iiiiiiiiiii eeeee iiiiiiiii will always love yooooouuuuuuuuuuueuueueueueueu!

OK - the third song didn't really make sense. But the first two did. Because you shall relish in my cromulence and it shall be glorious!

Second dead dolphin found washed up on Alicante coast
By: thinkSPAIN , Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Council workers found a dead dolphin at around 5.30am this morning as they were cleaning Elche's Arenales del Sol beach.

The 1.5m-long specimen has been taken to Alicante University for analysis.

It is not known whether this discovery is linked to a similarly unusual incident in Benidorm yesterday, when a sick baby dolphin died shortly after being found washed up on the beach by bathers.

I don't even know what country this is in. Spain? Never heard of it. Is that near Djibouti? Must be. What I know about Spain is they've got it made. First of all, it looks as if their shore line is the dolphin equivalent of Omaha Beach, replete with mines on poles, hedgehogs and Nazi manned pill-boxes. Secondly, it's such a relaxed country with siesta and all that beachgoers are called "bathers". Bathers? What about swimmers? Beach aficionados? Nope. "Bathers". Like if the country took an economic downturn it would be "we all, how you say, no like dinero no more. This is life." Actually, Spain sounds like more of a Mecca than the actual Mecca, which sounds like a rock in a desert (note to self: set profile to super secret, move, change names, don't travel abroad). Crap. I just made fun of Islam. That's bad. I know what happens to people who do that. So to the adherents of Mohammed, I counter with this:

Jesus was a fag.

The Torah is gay.

Buddha's way of enlightenment is short-sighted at best.

Shinto is animistic.

Zeus is a paedophile and incestuous.

Gozer Rulez!

Take that, prominent religions of the world! It always comes back to Gozer, doesn't it? I was sleeping with the Gozerian for a while. Turns out she wasn't Gozerian so much as she was a dirty English whore. But ultimately, they amount to the same thing. I was Bill Murray and the Key Master is NO WHERE NEAR as good looking as I am. Because I'm 6'4", 230 lbs. of muscle and make Brad Pitt look like Oprah's Vahjayjay.

Maaaaattttt Daaamon.





AIDS.

(to the Tune of "I'm The Real Shady"): Dear Mister Ship Captain's, Please Speed Up, Please Speed Up, Please Speed Up!

The government per usual is whining again. This time about whales. First, they took our sonar, and we said nothing. Then they took our depth charges, and we said nothing. Now they're taking - get this - ship speed limits in the middle of the fucking ocean. "Full Speed Ahead, Murphy" "Um... Sir, we're in the middle of the Pacific, roughly 2,000 nautical miles from the nearest land and 1,000 nautical miles from the nearest ship. Don't you think you're going a little fast?" "Um, why for you say that, Murphy?" "Um... the whales, sir?"

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. How the Hell am I gonna get my PS3 if these fucking boats don't high tail it from Kyoto to the Port of Seattle? Read:

The government on Monday recommended a speed limit for commercial ships along the Atlantic coast, where collisions with the endangered right whale threaten its existence.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080826/ap_on_go_ot/endangered_whales

Apparently this is about the Atlantic Coast, but I don't care. If you're picky, replace BMW with PS3 and Kyoto with Hamburg. So these so-called "Right Whales" - or "Wrong Whales" as they should be called (Ohhhh SNAP! Y'alls got served for rillz, Whales! What's that? That wasn't funny? I guess it wasn't... i'm so so lonely) are getting their navigation systems all askew due to the dulcet tones of diesel turbines and underwater prop oscillations. Frankly nothing helps me go to sleep better than an idling diesel engine. I know. I live on the first floor. It's better than the vatos arguing though. Ju know, main?

At least someone's on my side:

[The initial ruling] was delayed in part because of objections from Vice President Dick Cheney's office and White House economists over the accuracy of the science linking ship speed to whale deaths.

Good ole Chenester... Always sticking up for the little guy. In this case the little guy is a couple of poor unfortunate souls - multinational billion dollar shipping concerns. I feel for them. Even though this particular story turns out badly in the end, there is a silver lining on every cloud:

"What we have seen over and over again where economics and partisanship and political interests bump up against the science, science loses," said Francesca Grifo, director of the Union of Concerned Scientist's Scientific Integrity Project.

Damn Skippy, Frances McDormand. That'll teach you to track down Steve Buscemi.

[Puts head in woodchipper then sings high mountain harmonies to Clooney.]

Wrecking the Environment Bait and Switch

As an instrument of environmental destruction, nothing really comes close to the Automobile. Just think of the resources, greed and inefficiency involved in transporting one person in an encased two ton shell of steel. It's stellar! The carbon footprint of just shipping the iron ore to a smelting plant must be like 3,654.3 times higher than taking a subway for a year! I love it. Then compound that with producing the things, the petrochemicals involved in the plastics, shipping the car to the dealer... all of this just so one person can get a latte at 3:45am in La Jolla! I freaking love it.

So imagine my dismay, while reading about the design chief at a notorious world wrecker, Mercedes-Benz, I come across this quote:

The F700 exaggerates even further the sweeping bananalike body curve of the CLS. Mr. Wagener said it took its form from dolphins. “It was inspired by nature and hydrodynamics,” he said.

Really? Fucking Really? I'm having fun reading about the conspicuous waste of the earth's resources and the selfish (read: AWESOME) needs of people to basically drive the net value of the GDP of Malawi to Whole Foods to feel good about the fact that they are the richest people in the history of mankind - I mean EVER - richest in food, money, health, gold chains, blood diamonds, jade hood ornaments, ball gags... And then the fucking liberal media has to go and fuck it up by placing a design language based on nature and dolphins in (irony alert) the most unnatural and nature hating (therefore dolphin hating) mode of conveyance ever. Disappointing, to say the least.

As a result, I've been setting extra Hummer fires lately. After I drive them for like 1,000 miles, pour a whole bunch o' CO into the atmosphere, I set their auras free - by dousing with gasoline (win) and having them burn (win win) letting further plastics (win win win) into the atmosphere and rendering the steel completely unusable in the future (win win win win). Super environmental rapery quadrafecta, complete.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/24/automobiles/24BENZ.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Ugh. Evolution is an Unstoppable Mistress

And like most mistresses, she's a cheating whore. Evolution is the kind of slut that will kick you out of her apartment to hook up with someone else or in this case, the kind of slut who will isolate one dolphin population from another to ensure the propagation of the species. Thus the origins of the Bolivian River Dolphin.

From no less a source than the National Geographic, a bunch of pussies:

"Bolivian dolphins are totally different molecularly from other dolphins," Ruiz-Garcia said. "After being split up, they accumulated mutations and formed a new species."
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2008/08/080820-new-dolphin.html

Great. Mutations. There was this stellar series of exposes called "The X-Men" at the cinema that documented these "mutants" within human society and they all had fucking craziness going down. Like one guy, I think his name was "Fire Eyes" shoots fucking fire from his fucking eyes. Another guy, "Pointy Hands" had knives come out of his arms and he cut through people. If human mutation is any indication, that means pretty soon we'll have Bolivian River Dolphins capable of turning people gay, or being black with white hair. Maybe this explains Michael Phelps... 6'4", disproportionately short legs, ADHD... Yep - Phelps is a mutant.

Back to task - way too many non-sequiturs in this blog. Not this post in particular, but in general.

Back to task - I write way too many non-sequiturs in this blog. Not just in this post but basically throughout.

OK - on to the subject. I really have to get away from writing all these off track tangents. Not in this post only, but really the whole freaking blog.

{ERROR - UNRECOVERABLE LOOP - SYSTEM MESSAGE 14.7}

ctrl+alt+del

Run in Terror! They're Learning, PART II

Jesus fucking christ! NOT AGAIN! They're learning again - first it's tools (see: http://whydolphinssuck.blogspot.com/2008/07/run-in-terror-theyre-learning.html), now it's tail walking. The full article and link is below, but here's the gist of it:

A wild dolphin is apparently teaching other members of her group to walk on their tails, a behaviour usually seen only after training in captivity.

This does not bode well for myself, nor mankind as a whole. If they're now mastering tail walking in the wild, how long until they learn REAL walking? And once that starts the next step is opposable thumbs and Kalashnikov rifles. I mean if some Hutu can get a hold of 34 dozen AK-47's, how hard can it be for the dolphin militia to buy some black market Chinese knock-off assault rifles? Not hard, I should think considering I have like 19 of them and I'm not even 13 years old yet. OK - that was a lie - I have 14 Soviet made killing implements. One more than my age, of 13. Because I'm thirteen and I like candy and windowless vans with murals of dragons on the side. Sure mister, I'd love a lollipop!

Wow - that got dark quickly. Sorta went Amber Alert pretty fast there.

Back on track. Dolphins walking. This is bad fucking news. And since it's from the BBC, there has to be some sort of commie-pinko-red plot in the dissemination of this information. It's as if they're consciously trying to hip the dolphins to the fact that they're special little fishes. And yes, I said "hip {them} to the fact" because that's how I jive.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to jam with Mingus and Bird. If by "jam" you mean "put fire under spoon, wrap arm, inject" then yes, jam.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7570097.stm

Wild dolphins tail-walk on water

By Richard Black Environment correspondent, BBC News website

The tail-walking dolphins were spotted at the coast near Adelaide

A wild dolphin is apparently teaching other members of her group to walk on their tails, a behaviour usually seen only after training in captivity.

The tail-walking group lives along the south Australian coast near Adelaide.

One of them spent a short time after illness in a dolphinarium 20 years ago and may have picked up the trick there.

Scientists studying the group say tail-walk tuition has not been seen before, and suggest the habit may emerge as a form of "culture" among this group.

"We can't for the life of us work out why they do it," said Mike Bossley from the Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society (WDCS), one of the scientists who have been monitoring the group on the Port River estuary.

"We're doing systematic observations now to determine if there's something that may trigger it, but so far we haven't found anything," he told BBC News.

Rich culture

In the 1980s, Billie, one of the females in the group, spent a few weeks in a local dolphinarium recovering from malnutrition and sickness, a consequence of having been trapped in a marina lock.

It would seem that among the Port River dolphins we may have an incipient tail-walking culture Mike Bossley

She received no training there, but may have seen others tail-walking.

Now, other females in the group have picked up the habit. It is seen rarely in the wild, and the obvious inference is that they have learned it from Billie.

"This indicates that they do learn from each other, which is not a surprise really, but it does also seem that they exhibit elements of what in humans we would call 'cultural' behaviour," said Dr Bossley.

"These are things that groups develop and are passed between individuals and that come to define those groups, such as language or dancing; and it would seem that among the Port River dolphins we may have an incipient tail-walking culture."

The "cultural" transmission of ideas and skills has been documented in apes, while dolphins off the coast of Western Australia are known to teach their young to use sponges as an aid when gathering food.

Screw You New York Times - or - There, I Fixed That For You!

So the vaunted Grey Lady, that collection of fags known as the New York Times, published this editorial applauding the douches in California for stopping the Navy from breaking some dolphin eardrums, old school Irish Gang curbing style:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/19/opinion/19tue2.html

Below is my edited version - that is to say - how it should have read if not written by granola freaks.

Editorial

Whales, Dolphins, Sonar and the Courts

Published: August 19, 2008

We were fucking pissed to learn that the Navy and conservation groups have reached a liberal tree hugging court-approved settlement that allows the service barely any opportunity to test its low-frequency sonar systems and not fuck with, as we should the habitats of marine life that can’t tolerate loud underwater sound because they're pussies. Sometimes compromise and good sense go out the fucking window. So it is especially awesome that the Bush administration is still trying to block the courts’ ability to mediate future agreements between the military and environmentalists.

The vigilantly anti-regulatory Bush administration told the Navy that it could test its sonar in more than 70 percent of the world’s ocean area which is freaking sweet. It claimed that training on the loud, low-frequency devices, which can detect submarines at great distances, was important to national security and that any environmental damage would be minimal so I suggested that they turn it up to 11. However, the same sound waves that can detect distant submarines can also bombard marine habitats (cool!), near and far (even better), disrupting the activities of whales (yes), dolphins (FUCKING HELL YES!!!) and other acoustically sensitive creatures like the narwhal which is a fucking homo anyway.

(Un)Fortunately, the Natural Resources Defense Council and other organizations sued to rein in the exercises, and a federal court in fucking dirty hippie California issued injunctions and supplied the judicial muscle to force a mediated settlement. The agreement, approved this month, still allows the Navy to test its sonar in large areas in the Northwestern Pacific and around Hawaii while carving out segments that are critically important for marine life which is a total shame - I said nail the whole Pacific upon a cross of coral with sonar being the nails, and the Navy being the Romans, and Dolphins being Jesus, except without resurrection, which didn't happen anyway because we know people can't do that in the first place, Son of God or not. Hey God! Put my blood back in and restart my vitals. God's like, uh, no can do there tiger - shit I've derailed - Back to fucking with the Liberal Times.

Both sides have expressed satisfaction with the result except I wasn't polled. Dicks. That hasn’t stopped the administration’s perfectly radical efforts to sidestep the courts in a separate case on the use of midfrequency sonar off the coast of Southern California.

A federal district court and federal appeals court in California have ordered the Navy to adopt strong measures to protect marine life during the exercises which apparently involves banning the sonar that fucks with dolphins brains but isn't relevant so say, cruise missile tests, or blowing up old ships with torpedoes, or other things that, hold on - BLOW SHIT UP - but god forbid we have the blowholians get all confuddled in the midst of the water. The administration has invoked national security to exempt the Navy from strict adherence to the environmental laws that undergirded the court decisions, thereby making the courts irrelevant which is the Bush way.

The Supreme Court is expected to rule on who gets the final say on this issue and since our side (read: the ones who hate giving people away to civil authorities) outranks the dirty treehuggery I'd say we're on the right track: the courts or the executive branch. They hope the justices slap down the administration’s efforts to thwart judicial oversight and I'm rooting for Scalia! This month’s settlement shows that military readiness and environmental protection are not incompatible and that the courts can play a constructive role in forging an acceptable compromise - which sucks. I hope it is overruled. Let's go Roberts! Clap clap clappa clap!!!

Don't Think Whales Aren't Beneath My Disdain

OK - so open letter to whales - you've gotten off pretty much scott-free of late. But now the wrath shall be unleashed. Y'all is gonna starve! I count this article below (hole) as a tiny victory. One more down.

Whale calf lost in Sydney waters, bonds with yacht

SYDNEY, Australia (AP) -- Australian media say a lost humpback whale calf has bonded with a yacht it seems to think is its mother. The 1- to 2-month-old calf was first sighted Sunday in waters off north Sydney, and on Monday tried to suckle from a yacht, which it would not leave.

Rescuers towed the yacht out to sea, and the calf finally detached from the boat but still swam nearby, Australian Broadcasting Corp. and Channel 10 television news reported.

The calf appears exhausted but rescuers hope it will continue out to sea and search for its mother or another pod of whales.

"The outlook is not good, but we are giving the calf its only option. It can't be fed, and in fact we wouldn't know what to feed it" because it is not weaned, National Parks and Wildlife regional manager Chris McIntosh told ABC radio.

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/A/AUSTRALIA_BABY_WHALE?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

This stupid bastard thinks a boat is its momma? Tragic. Or Awesome. But mostly tragically awesome. In my on going efforts to highlight the general stupidity of maritime mammals, except sharks, I have filed this under "complete retardation". Join me in congratulating the great culture of Australia for treating the whales with the same accord they have shown to other races, like the aboriginies - complete and total disdain, hatred and racism.

Seriously though, Australians are really racist. Bet you didn't know that, Natalie Imbruglia. Who's super hot. I wish I had torn her. A new one.

New Data on Why Dolphins Are Retarded

I just learned an interesting statistic. If this doesn't illuminate the supreme level of dolphin suckery more than any other stat., I don't know what will: 89% of dolphins use Microsoft Internet Explorer rather than Firefox (or Safari if they're trendy dolphins). What the fuck? Seriously? So when a dolphin clicks "connect" on their 14.4 dial-up modem and connect via Prodigy, they boot up IE instead of the awesomeness that is Firefox? Seriously? (I know - I said that already - cut me some slack - I stayed up all night watching an entire season of 30 Rock on Hulu. Damn that show's funny).

Now that said, dolphins do have some computer skills that due to their general backwardness, have been lost to the general computing public. For instance they can still code in Basic. I remember having a Texas Instruments computer with freaking cartridges - my favorite game was Chisholm Trail - and I remember writing music and simple animations through Basic. It was fun, with all the "GoTo" and "Then" and "Pr0n". But resultant in their ignorance and general poverty, dolphins still utilize these ancient techniques.

I'd say we should start a fund for dolphins to start getting them the OLPC (One Laptop Per Child) thingy-bob, but that would ultimately allow dolphins more access to information like the Anarchist's Cookbook (another download of mine back when the internet was only pictures from Nasa, tiny resolution porn pictures and the Anarchist's Cookbook) thus allowing them a more terrible killing capability than which they are currently endowed - and remembering my mission statement, oh yeah - I WANT TO KILL DOLPHINS - this would make them harder targets.

Jean Claude Van Damme. Now that's a hard target. Or was that Steven Seagal? Or was it the deadliest game? Humans - i.e., Ice-T? Always check the barrel. Duh.




Do yourself a favor. Don't google "Ice T" because you get hundreds of photos that is the eye-bleachery of his "wife"...

The pain will not subside. Must... kill... the... queen...