09/07/01 - Never Forget

Today is the Seven Year Anniversary of the Day that Shook The World - September 7th, 2001.  Besides the defeat of Saladin by Richard I in the Third Crusade and the world's first submarine attack in New York Harbor in 1776, September 7th will go into the annals of history as a day of tragedy and triumph, evil and good, salty and sweet.  September 7th is the day that I awoke to the terror around us.  Wealthy Saudi Arabian students with enough ennui to want to kill westerners.  Oh - wait.  That was the real terror around us.  Let's get back to the fabricated terror that I far more appreciate.

09/07/01: I was attacked by a dolphin.  It was just your typical suburban kid's post college vacation.  Mid August, I hopped on the the family's Gulfstream to Monaco with a couple of friends.  We had the boat waiting for us because we were going to go to the Greek islands.  A family friend owns a couple of them so we were going to stay in one of the bungalows there.  They're modest little 20,000 square foot places.  Nothing special.  

Before settling in Greece though, we wanted to stop by Tunisia to visit Carthage.  It's quite a bustling city with all the trumpet playing and jeeps overlooking the ampitheaters and all.  (Five Bucks for the first person to get that reference).  Seriously though, Tunisia.  While swimming in the Meditteranean off the coast of Tunisia off of the launch boat, I felt a tugging at my peni - my leg.  I felt a tugging at my leg.  I thought to myself "Self, now why would something be tugging on me when I left the Parisian prostitutes on board the ship?"  I reached down and I felt something silky to the touch, with raw power coursing through it.  After I took my hand out of my pants, I felt a dolphin.  There was a fucking dolphin trying to snout bang me.  Seriously, that fucker was going for the Hershey Highway like Andy Dick at a Chelsea Night Club with Kathy Griffin filming and Tom Cruise behind a two-way mirror watching the action.  

So how do I react?  How would you react?  Do you go Mythbusters on it's ass and punch the nose?  I know - sharks, but since sharks and dolphins are related, maybe it will work.  Do I try to fishhook it's blow hole?  

Right as the dolphin is about to penetrate and take my dignity, I realize - DUH - I never go swimming in Europe without a Russian made Avtomat Podvodnyj Spetsialnyj and wondered why I didn't recall that earlier, that I was in fact swimming with a 10 pound waterproof 5.6mm flechette round assault rifle over my shoulder.  

So I let off a couple rounds, right in the cranial region.  Dolphin problem solved, anal integrity preserved.

So that's why I hate dolphins and that's why 09/07/01 - Never Forget.  

Let's nuke Saudi Arabia.  That would solve a LOT of problems.