My Rage Knows No Bounds!

Except maybe Gina Gershon in Bound.  

So you know who's not off the hook, obvious forthcoming pun notwithstanding?  Manatees.  Too long have they plagued our coastal waterways with their lollygagging, loitering and lethargic lagunal lounging.  Didn't even need a thesaurus for that one - just came fully grown like Athena, straight from the noggin.  Without all the incest and beastiality that was prevalent amongst the Olympians.  Now the Norse - those were some badass raping gods.  

Manatees - right.  The name Manatee by itself is enough to hate them.  It is derived from manati, a Caino Indian word meaning beast that predates Cristobal Colon.  You hear that?  Well, obviously you didn't hear it unless you have some sort of text to speech device - instead you just read it.  In bold.  So that a point has been made.  Beasts are to be exterminated like the Caino were.  With extreme predjudice and racism with a healthy dash of prostelytizing them with the word of the one true God.  Kali-Ma.  

ALL HAIL LORD DARK GODDESS KALI-MA.

(Pulls out stone, puts next to other stone, burns hands, drops stone, cuts rope bridge)

OK - Maybe Kali-Ma wasn't the best bet for a conversion tool.  I know what I'll do.  I'll hook the manatees up to a fake machine that tells you you're stressed so you'll buy books and maybe eventually buy the machine itself.  Man.  What a fucking scam that would be.  It would be like a modern day charlatan - recapturing the ethos of the 19th Century American Tent Revivals where pastor/preacher/con artist would plant people in his audience and "cure" them.  If only I could invent a modern day fake religion where wealthy adherents just showered you with money to learn the next steps of the invented ideology.  What a brilliant idea.  

One problem though - if I do invent a fake machine that tells you what the manatee is feeling and it happens to be electrically powered, I might shock the manatees.  Then I wouldn't know who they're feeling and thus couldn't squeeze them for more money.  But then again, I would have killed several manatees which I guess ultimately is the goal.  So I guess I'll take my fake machine and see if it works on people. 

Sincerely,

Elrond Hubber

dammit - I only hit'em 5 times!