The litany of reasons behind Ms. Baywatch's nomination for the category of outstanding douchery are many. We can go into so many different facets of Anderson's complex, er, personality but let's start with the first and easiest.
She's a Fucking Canadian. That's right, the rack that launched a thousand tissues - or that a thousand tissues were launched into - is a Canuck. A Queeb. A British Columbian. A Saskatoonie. From our soon to be hostile neighbor to the north, the mediocre backwater of Canadia. Let's go into some stats about Canada that may shock and amuse you.
On a whole, Canadians average one foot shorter in height than Americans.
The Canadian diet consists mostly of dog meat.
In all of Canada, there is only one helicopter and it's owned by the Montreal Canadien hockey team.
The national sport of Canada is Murderball.
These reasons alone would make Pamela Anderson, as the official face - well not "face" per se - more like "cans" - as the official Cans of Canada and no enemy to humanity but noooo.... She has to go and do the unthinkable. Join PETA. Even though it stands for "People Eating Tasty Animals", PETA is actually against that (AWESOME) stuff. And against fur which is so warm and comfy. And against of course, abusing for fun and profit the maritime mammals. I'm sure those PETA fucks could care less about the noble Manta Ray or the proud and intelligent and evolutionary stalwart Horseshoe Crab. "Get on the train", the PETA hypocrites probably shout. But god forbid a cold blooded click factory like a dolphin gets caught in a net. If they're so fucking smart, how are they getting caught in nets? I mean really - when has a net ACTUALLY ever worked on a human. I'm sure in Roman times, like 200 years ago, when the Gladiators were hanging out back stage or back collesium or whatever and it was time to be issued weapons for the show, all of them were saying "please don't give me the trident and net, please don't give me the trident and net, please don't - FUCK - crap. There goes my life. I got the fucking trident and net... what did you end up with Masculinius Crapbeateria?" "Uh, I got a helmet, a shield, and a sword, comrade Pussilickium Deadonarrivalus. Did you end up with.... (falls into uncontrollable laughter) - the (pauses to regain breath) the net!?"
That's from actual history written by actual Romans in Hieroglyphics translated from the Rosetta Stone. The DVDs called Rosetta Stone told me that.
Back to Pammycakes. Pamela Anderson was awarded PETA's Linda McCartney award for blah blah blah whatever it might be about. Now so long as she wasn't awarded the Heather McCartney-Mills award for motorcycle handling skills, she would have a leg to stand on.
It was really sad when they made Rosetta Stone ride the back of the bus back in the 50s.
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