Enemies of Humanity, Part II: Jane Fonda

Hanoi Jane, Born Again Christian, The Former Mrs. CNN. There are many labels that can be applied to Ms. Fonda. Hippie, Dirty Hippie, Dirty Tree Hugging Hippie. While not forthcoming on her pro-dolphin stance, I can only assume that her hatred of everything awesome (bombing things, explosions, kick-ass wars, bombing things) would peg Jane firmly in the "I just want to hug them, they're like slippery people" camp. So, Ms. Fonda, I implore you to issue a statement apologizing to Vietnam Veterans across the country and to me in particular for not issuing a statement on your opinions vis-a-vis dolphins. I should hope that this statement will negate your years of mistrust for the Federal Government, the Armed Forces and help us as a nation to begin the healing process. Also buy more Vietnamese Nike Airs. Those tiny little fingers really do a bang-up job on my Air Maxx Extreme Dunk Jordan LeBrons.

Now on a completely related note. I have been spending my free time (when not spearing and/or shotgunning dolphins - not shotgunning like a can of beer, but actually shooting with a physical shotgun) fabricating from parts lying around the house/nuclear power plant a time machine. Several purposes for the time machine:

1. Go back to the evolutionary point where that first dog-like creature decided to become semi-aquatic and then kill it - sort of the John Conner of dolphins - I guess that makes me the T800. No wait, that one failed. The T1000 then. No, he ended up melting. "What's the dog's name?" "Max." "Ginelle, how's Wolfie?" "Wolfie's fine dear - where are you?" "Your foster parents are dead."

2. Go back to last November and punch myself in the fucking trachea for even being attracted to that dirty skank of a whore.

3. Go back to say, eh, 1969 and BANG THE HELL OUT OF JANE FONDA. Dayum, bitch was fucking hot.



And again:



To Hayden Panettiere: I know Jane Fonda and I served with Jane Fonda and you Ma'am are no Jane Fonda.I have to go now... {grabs tissue paper}.

Enemies of Humanity, Part I: Hayden Panettiere

In another ongoing series, I shall highlight people and organizations (Greenpeace, you're next) who show blind loyalty towards the evil evil dolphins. Therefore, I submit to you public enemy number one: Hayden Panettiere.



Firstly, I have a problem with anyone born after the Mets last won a World Series. Mostly because were we cuddling in bed and I said "Man... I remember when the Mets won the World Series" and she would say "I was negative 3 years old", well that would freak me out. Until I realized I was tagging an eighteen year old. I guess I'd get over that pretty quickly actually. So strike the "Mets World Series Win vis a vis birthdate" argument.

But the serious threat to humanity posed by Ms. Heroes Cheerleader is her unyielding compassion towards aquatic creatures that given the chance, will kill us all. Her protest of the annual Taiji dolphin hunt set back our cause decades. The publicity garnered by this pint sized terrorist brought negative attention to what ultimately is a fantastic cause. When will people realize that the cold-blooded dolphin has only murder upon its slightly more complex than a goldfish mind? The brave citizens of Japan and their efficient slaughtering methods are helping us immeasurably in the extermination of dolphins and Panettiere is interfering in the process.

Hayden - I know you're very young (and supple, and nubile, and flexible and.... hold on... I'll be right back).

{washes hands}

Anyway, Hayden - you are misguided in your quest. I would like to set up a meeting at Mt. Airy Lodge, preferably in the champagne flute hot tub. Or the rotating bed. I would like to have a face to face with you to show you the errors of your ways. The dolphins are not to be saved. They are to be wiped from the earth with extreme prejudice. I actually can't believe you even went in the water with that surfboard - don't you know they're homicidal and thirst for human blood? The board won't protect you. They use tools now. So, Lizzie Spaulding - next time you're in New York, come by and see me and I will give you an extensive presentation on why dolphins are nasty beasts and then for a conclusion, we'll act like nasty beasts. Somewhere in the Poconos. We'll take my SUV. Because hybrids save the whales.