The US Navy Has Let Me Down.... Again

I'm a fan of America's war machine. That's no secret. We have more aircraft carriers than Putin has vials of poison labeled with journalist's names. We google-map a place we want to bomb, press a couple buttons and 3 hours later... BLAM! Tomahawk Cruise Missile up your ass, Toronto! They didn't even know it was coming. But then our Navy, with their nancy white outfits and reluctance to venture south of 42nd street go and fall into disfavor. And all because of this:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/13/us/13whales.html?_r=1&scp=2&sq=sonar&st=cse&oref=slogin

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — The Navy agreed in a settlement approved Tuesday to limit where it operates certain sonar systems criticized by environmentalists as a threat to whales and other marine mammals.

Let's read between the lines on that one - "other marine mammals". That's right. Fucking dolphins, again. So basically these jackass echo-location motherfuckers can't find their way around while our Navy's on the way to bomb Hiroshima again just for kicks? Honestly folks, they're fucking dolphins. They can't even make cool things like XBox360 or Jell-O pudding pops, so why should we really worry about hurting their precious little non-existent ears?

I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.... do you have it? If you guessed "go off the coast of Southern California in a trawler with underwater loudspeakers and a couple gross of grenades and cause permanent dolphin deafness," you guessed the right number.

In an open letter to the Secretary of the Navy, Truman Handy Newberry (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Truman_Handy_Newberry) I postulated that "the advent of underwater listening and detection devices are the wave of the future. Why that Marconi - have a look see at what he did! Furthermore, my good chap, have you looked into the aeroplane? Why with a brigade of these contraptions working hand-in-hand with the underwater devices, Teddy could hunt maritime game with the ease of an African Safari! Bully to that, I say. Now excuse me, kind sir, as I must take the 9:15 Pennsylvania Railroad locomotive to New York's shining star of Pennsylvania Station. Why a glorious work of that magnitude will last forever and become an icon of Mannahatta!* O! Grand city with your steam packets a'bustling, Irish cops a'hustling the negroes uptown and away from womanly eyes and only seventy-nine horse cart fatalities per afternoon! O! City of my youth! I return to thee!"

*{Hops in Doc Emmet Brown's time train, lands in shithole of an arena where Penn Station used to be, goes back in time and punches John Jacob Astor right in the beaver for good measure.}

IN MEMORIAM:

TRUMAN HANDY NEWBERRY
5 November 1864 - 3 October 1945
RIP - We'll miss you, dawg. Peace!

Enemies of Humanity, Part II: Greenpeace

Greenpeace is suspect for a multitude of reasons: Hippies, Protests in Trees, Saving the Rainforest, Anti-Whaling Campaigns, Stopping Our Kick Ass Army from Nuking Things... the list can go on ad infinitum. The number one reason they're an enemy of humanity is their pro-dolphin stance. The number one reason they're suspect though, is it was founded IN CANADA. Of course they're fucking misguided - they were founded in America, Jr. Most things Canadian are backwards in general and their unmitigated support of all things dolphin is the worst part about them and Greenpeace. In fact, I wouldn't be overly surprised that Greenpeace is a Canadian Funded Terror Organization. Everyone familiar with Nunavut? No, of course you're not. Nunavut is a self-governing Inuit territory encompassing most of the area around Hudson's Bay, so of course it's seasonably warm up there. The proud Inuit did not seek autonomy for political purposes. Instead they wanted self-governance to uphold the practices of their forefathers, namely slaughtering maritime mammals. To the 32,000 residents of Nunavut living on 808,000 square miles (I'm not mathmagician, but I think that means it's crowded up there), I salute you in your service to mankind by terminating dolphins and their "cute" friends, the whale and Mr. Heidi Klum.

Back to task - Greenpeace. Bunch of fucking jackasses. First of all, to join Greenpeace, the only things you need are a clipboard, birkenstocks and no personal hygiene. They're always hanging out on the street asking you if you'd like to donate or sign some bullshit about boycotting something that I would find awesome - like exploding South Pacific Islands or Feeding the Bears. True Story: Several Years ago I was walking down Lexington with my ex-girlfriend (let's just call her "Plays on Train Tracks" - she was native American. Or retarded. Anyway, she died on impact). The Greenpeace Eco-Losers tried to block our way and asked if we {Annoying Hippie Accent} "Cared about the environment?" What kind of loaded question is that bullshit? Do I CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT? As I am indeed a product and fucking resident of the environment and I care very much about, well, myself because I'm awesome, so yes then you fucking mal-nourished whiny bitch, I do care about the environment. Anyway, it seems my hatred of dolphins has been latent for quite some time because the very first thing that popped into my head was "No thanks, my shoes are made out of dolphin". "Plays on Train Tracks" was a midwesterner who had relocated to the Pacific Northwest so she was quite taken aback at how rude I was to one of her kind. Bitch, please. 1. I'm a New Yorker. 2. You know I hate hippies. 3. We dated for 2 years - I'm sure at some point you got the memo that indeed I am an asshole.

Then I punched her in the dorsal fi - OH MY GOD - She wasn't offended that I made fun of the tree-hugger. She was offended because she was a dolphin. Unclean! Unclean! I fucked a dolphin! Ewwwww....