Screw you guys - I'm going home. I'm sick of dolphins. Consider this my resignation. Instead, revel in the cromulence that is my latest project...
31 December 2008
Retirement Notice
22 December 2008
The Dolphin Mafia and The Waste Management Industries: An Exclusive Expose - Part I
East Rutherford, NJ - Donald Altieri lived, on paper, a normal life. A middle class family man, rising through the ranks of a respected neighborhood carting firm from trash handler, to driver, to dispatcher, eventually to regional manager. With the modest career path fulfilled, the few trappings of luxury he acquired for his family - a mink stole for his wife, a late model used Jeep for his son, a high-end SUV for himself - seemed ordinary. However when Mr. Altieri took the stand at Federal Court yesterday, his life was nothing but ordinary. A high level Captain in the Odontoceti Crime Family, Mr. Altieri turned state's evidence in return for a reduced sentence for guilty pleas in racketeering, money laundering and violations of the RICO act. The revelations that followed Mr. Altieri's testimony shocked the world of organized crime.
21 December 2008
New Zealand is Opening the Gates of Hell
For all those who relish the rapture, I've got great news for you: Due to the actions of certain New Zealanders, the apocalypse may very well be upon us. For any of these fools to think that swimming with a playful dolphin on holiday is a great idea, you're doing it wrong. It's a horrible idea. It is fraught with peril and dangerous. That and it will unleash the full powers of the four horsemen - Rape, Vegemite, Pestilence and Non-Alcoholic Beer. Swimming with a dolphin is the same as eating at Red Lobster. It looks like a good idea on TV but the experience is so much worse, you'll end up sick and probably violated anally.
19 December 2008
Enemies of Humanity, Part XXIV: Oprah
First things first: One Named People are not to be trusted. Madonna (cough - slut!), Shakira (cough - midget slut!), John Wilkes Booth (cough - great aim!). Second things second: People who name their production company anything other than "Worldwide Pants" are not to be trusted. That puts Oprah squarely in our crosshairs, as if we were a Franz Ferdinand song or for that matter as if we were just actually Franz Ferdinand.
18 December 2008
OH SNAP! I WANT THIS!
Honeywell (NYSE: HON) is one of the world's foremost manufacturers of thermostats, automobile parts and that's right - weapon systems. Imagine my delight when it was announced the Honeywell partnered with Microsoft to create this bad boy:
My life, so full of vibrance and vivacity and other "v" words, has suddenly become fallow and barren, like most girl's uteruses. Uterii? Uterae?
I'll have to look that up.
17 December 2008
They've Formed Squadrons!
What the fucking hell is this? They're at it again. First they're causing economic and geopolitical instability. Next they're writing in major periodicals convincing us to remain sober. Now, the worst is upon us:
Dolphins are forming into maritime squadrons and practicing maneuvers. You know that whole US Military in the desert joint operations stuff where entire airwings and full armored brigades fly and drive around in Nevada blowing stuff up in what looks like a really fun time, like Burning Man sans hippies? Well the dolphins are up to it now. Except that's not cool. That's terrifying. Once they organize they can overpower our Ohio Class submarines, get the access codes and start nuking bitches. And they'll probably start with Orlando Florida since so many of their kin are impriso - entertaining there.
I bet the nuking of Orlando would smell like a giant barbecue... Fat sizzling on the pavement of Disney World. The little piggy children and Doris and Alex Caldwell of Omaha, Nebraska boiling in the artificial lagoons of Universal Studios Theme Park. The screams of terror from Peter "Big Dog" Marks and his wife LuAnne as little Peter "Lil' Dog" and LuAnne Jr., "Poopy Pants" are incinerated by a 20 kiloton MIRV.
Yeah - wait until the dolphins take the Ohio Classes and nuke Orlando THEN retaliate.
Susan Cheever is Commie Pinko Dolphin Rat
One of the top articles emailed in the Paper of Record, err... the Grey Lady.... er, the leftist radical tax and spend democratic New York Times was by Susan Cheever. This article is so full of crap and lies and mistruths and the basic elimination of fun that I did some "fact finding" (read: warrantless wiretaps) on Susan Cheever. Welly well well well... much to my chagrin and not to my surprise, a shocking truth emerged. I guess you'll just have to read the transcript:
16 December 2008
Bernard L. Madoff: American Hero
Now I know what you're thinking: How can this fucknugget rape $50 billion away from prominent investors the world over, crippling personal fortunes and wiping out many a noble charity and still be classified as an American Hero? Well, there is logic behind this madness. Bear with me:
13 December 2008
The New Deal
So I'm a history buff, right? One could say I'm "buffing my history" right now. Let's just say the mouse is a tiny bit sticky. So is the keyboard. So is the monitor. So is your mom's face. Wow. That got out of hand quickly.
In any case, in my search of knowledge, I came across a little known proviso within FDR's New Deal: The Tennessee Valley Authority was not created to bring electricity to the rural South. Instead it's sole purpose was to weaponize dolphins. "Yeah," you're thinking, "but the war hadn't even started yet" to which I will say "weren't we? Weren't we?" We're constantly at war. That's what separates us from the animals, except of course the Field Marshal Dromedary. That's a fucked up beast in its own right. So the dams were all made as a playground for evil Nazi dolphins, hand trained by FDR himself who insisted that the bullshit fake healing powers of dolphins would cure his polio. Guess what, Frankie. It didn't. And your fuck up has killed the fine art of bass fishing for generations because the dolphins reproduced and ate all the fish in the reservoirs. I guess what I'm trying to say is FDR was a royal douche. And the dolphins that saved JFK when the PT109 was hit by the Japanese destoyer are directly responsible for all venereal disease because each and every disease, including that one that makes your dick look like cauliflour, are directly traced to JFK.
Fucking presidents. When will they learn?
Obama's a dolphin.
12 December 2008
The Hiatus is OVER
I've found a kindred spirit! Huzzah!
30 September 2008
Bloomberg to Seek Third Anti-Dolphin Term as Mayor
Huzzah! Bloomberg's gonna run again. He's using the old "we're in a financial crisis and the city needs a steady and experienced hand routine," to which I concur. But we all know it's to complete his already stellar program of dolphin extermination. By cleaning up our rivers and harbor, Mike has encouraged dolphins to venture further into New York's waterways than ever before - even so far as the Gowanus Canal. Thus, Mike's pro-environmental tactics have brought the murder of these murderers into the reach of everyday and casual New York dolphin murderer's murder. Why the other day I was down at the Battery, near the Holocaust Museum (in an irony that was not lost on me) where I spied with my little eye something that starts with "P". Right there, within spitting distance was a porpoise. Quick like a bunny I ran to a street vendor and bought two Sabrett's with mustard. Well known fact, the blowholes don't like Hebrew National hot dogs. I tossed one Sabrett about 20 feet out while the other frank was dropped a mere 4 feet in front of me in the water. With the all-beef goodness creating an ET-esque trail, sans Reese's Pieces, the porp. swam slowly an inexorably closer. Momentarily borrowing i.e. stealing a broom handle from a local street cleaner, I taped a plastic butter knife to the end for a makeshift harpoon. Taking careful aim, I Queequeg'd the weapon and it found it's home, solid and true, lodged within the blowhole of the fearsome predator. Leaping over the promenade's railing into the water, I grasped the spear and rattled it around within the blowhole, causing an uncomfortable plastic butter knife serration chafing. The beast cried in dismay and turned towards the ocean, flippering as fast as it's flippers can flipper. Then it got hit by the Circle Line and flailed helplessly. A local kayaker, taking advantage of Mikey's newly cleaned Hudson River, towed the ailing beast towards the shore. Identifying myself as a marine biologist, I grabbed the fish and beat it to death with a rock. Unsympathetic onlookers began to verbally assail me from the shore but I defused the situation by saying I was an expert and flashing my badge (from Cookie Crisp, ca. 1984).
29 September 2008
Dolphins Ruin the Stock Market.... Aaaaagain
777 points, the equivalent of $1.2 trillion was lost in the market today. You see, I have a degree in advanced poly-economics of the inverse proportionality in fiduciary trading systems so I'm what Scientologists like to call smarter than the average frat boy who worked at Duke and then was a Junior Level Analyst at Lehman who lived at Normandie Court and banged assistants he took home on Thursday nights from the roof bar at Sutton Place who is now schadenfreudedly unemployed.
26 September 2008
KHAN!
OK - so I'm screaming "KHHHHAAAANNN!!!" a la Bill Shatner right now. I have a new enemy. No, not the FDIC - they're an old enemy. More like a nemesis actually. We've been playing a cat and mouse game for quite some time, my friends.
25 September 2008
24 September 2008
Ha Ha - Suckers!
Fucking Retards.