Never Hire a Dolphin Drummer

Here we go, folks.  So you and your three friends, right - they're really into Wilco and one buddy is "so totally sure" that he's the next Tweedy.  So you start jamming, having a good time, playing things that sound like Gram Parsons if Gram Parsons had a white noise generator and then BAM - you realize - "Brah, we need a fuckin' drummer, Dude..."  Thus begins the quest of a lifetime for all guitarists:  The Quest For A Decent Drummer drummer drummer drummer

See what I did there?  I used font sizes to make it dramatic.  Classy.  So here's the thing with drummers.  1.  There's not that many of them.  2.  There's even fewer that are good.  I don't care what y'alls say, but Ringo Starr was a fantastic drummer.  Why?  HE KEPT THE BEAT.  That's a drummers job.  Worst drummer ever?  That Fuck Nugget from Dave Matthews Band.   "Hey, you know what this drum kit needs in addition to 94 roto-toms?  How about 4 sets of chimes, 2 gongs, 14 woodblocks and that maraca thing with the metal beads.  Yeah, now we're new age rocking!"  What a douche.  Basically, in hiring a dolphin drummer, you will get a similar result.  A drummer who plays too many notes, probably has a double bass drum, wants to take a solo like his middle name is "Moby Dick" (which is awesome by the way) and always, I MEAN ALWAYS accelerates the tempo.  Carter.  That's his name.  Carter's the fuckhead from Dave Matthews Band (or just "Dave" as the faggots who like that crap call it).  God I wish that guy was a dolphin because I'd harpoon the fuck out of him, post haste.  

There was this dolphin once, a friend of my brothers.  He said "Yo, you gotta hear this new 'Dave' song... it's called 'All Along the Watchtower,'" to which my brother replies "Not only did you miss the Jimi Hendrix version that EVERYBODY knows, you also missed the U2 Rattle and Hum version and COMPLETELY missed the boat on the fact that BOB DYLAN WROTE IT."

Fucking Dolphins.  Fucking retarded.

And they like really bad music.

What the fuck.