File This Under: I Told You So!!!

Ahh, the liberals. Always hugging trees, raising taxes, driving Prii (plural of Prius?) and worst of all, saving the dolphins. Susan Sarandon, part of the liberal royalty along with her male consort, Sir Tim of Robbins has a penchant for saving the earth and protesting awesome things like nukes and bombs and their guns and their bombs, zombie, zombie, zombie. In their hands, yes in their hands they are fighting for the rights of the little (read: poor) folk whilst jetting to Jackson Hole to have sushi 3,423 miles from the nearest ocean. In the interest of saving all of the world's animals, Ms. Sarandon and Timothy "The Walls Are Bleeding, Again" Leary went swimming with the beasts a couple years ago. While swimming with a male dolphin named Joe (even dolphins lack creativity in naming themselves), his jealous mate attacked the fuck out of Ms. Bull Durham.

Reports Page Six: "After he trusted me more, I took hold of Joe's fin and we glided around the tank together. Then Joe stopped swimming horizontally and pushed up against me. I thought the whole experience was just groovy until I felt this horrible pain on my wrist, which was holding Joe's fin.

"I could hear them (researchers) shouting, 'No, Rosie! Don't!' I looked over and Joe's mate, this huge dolphin I hadn't even noticed before, was virtually standing up right out of the water, towering over me on its rear fins. She seemed to be 12 feet tall, emitting this loud, high-pitched noise. The attendants were screaming, 'We've got to get you out!' I was afraid I was going to get my other arm broken."

OK. Let's do a play-by-play analysis of this clusterfuck:

1. You're swimming with dolphins, in a tank. OK - what if the ammunition gets wet? Then how are you going to fire a 120mm smoothbore sabot encased depleted uranium armor piercing round at the dolphins with wet ammo?

2. The experience was... was... I actually am having a problem typing this... "just groovy"? How the fuck did this outdated vernacular make it past the 80s, let alone all the way to 2006?

3. Rosie, like Samantha or Lindsay - clearly this is a lesbian name, therefore a lesbian dolphin. She just wanted a piece of that hot Rocky Horror Picture era Sarandon, but when she got close, she echo-located and found instead the elderly version, got pissed and went McGruff the crime dog on that ass.

4. Yeah - 12' tall, terrifying high pitched shrieks of death? Basically, at certain points, dolphins can turn into Nazgul. Remember the first time you read The Fellowship of the Ring? Of course you don't. You weren't a flaming nerd who got gleecked upon in Middle School. So I'll dumb it down a little bit: Remember the first time you saw The Fellowship of the Ring and the Black Riders of Mordor (the aforementioned Nazgul) stood atop that elevated road while Frodo, Samwise, Merry and Pippin cowered beneath the roots of the tree? That was pretty freaking terrifying, huh? Well dolphins can pretty much do that - IN REAL LIFE! Not the imaginary world of a Cambridge Linguistics Scholar, but real flesh and blood they'll chew your fucking arm off life.

So, Ms. Sarandon. Your dirty hippie ways have finally come full circle. Those you wish to protect will only destroy you.

VOTE McCAIN!