So You Want to Date a Dolphin?

If you answered yes to that question, I have a truck for you to get in the back of. Don't worry where it's going, we're going for a ride! Come on, come on boy! Wanna go for a ride? Yes you do! Yes you do! {the truck goes to Malmedy - Google it}.

But let's say, hypothetically speaking as a mental exercise that you do want to actually date a dolphin. What a social minefield you have entered, my friend.

Step 1. You see the dolphin of your dreams.

You know the feeling. You're at a party, talking to someone about who went to Columbia University about how many drugs they did because "like, man, New York was my campus and I'd go clubbing all the time as a freshman" and all you're thinking of is a slow death. Then that girl, or in this case, dolphin comes in the party and all of a sudden it's like Wayne's World and "Dream Weaver" is playing and her hair, er dorsal fin is swaying in soft focus. How do you talk to her? How to make that connection...

Step 2. Making contact

Click click pop buzzzz eeee eeee eeee eeee eeee click click twittttterrrr

Step 3. The first date

You pick a fancy (but not too fancy, because that's pretentious) restaurant slash aquarium to take her out to. Since girls always want what they can't have, hold the fish just a liiitttttllee bit higher than they can jump. She'll be wrapped around your finger.

Step 4. The first kiss

Seriously, if you're contemplating that, you're so so so gross. I just puked. Not even in my mouth a little bit. I mean all over the keyboard.

Step 5. Going the distance

Two words: blow hole

Step 6. She leaves you for another man/dolphin/wildebeast

So you know in movies where the "hero" is dumped by the girl of his dreams for another superficially cooler guy and you know that she'll be back by the end of the film? Well that's not how it works in real life. The hero inevitably says to the cooler guy who stole his girl "break her heart and I'll kill you" or "treat her poorly and I'll rip your head off" to show that he's the one who really cares. NOT REAL LIFE. In real life, this girl was not Stolen, she consciously ran off to another guy. In which case the "hero" (ie, LOSER) should instead say: "Treat Her Poorly" or "Break Her Heart" because frankly, this guy is doing you a favor by crushing her soul when she didn't even give you the opportunity to do so.

Step 7. Recovery and Moving On

Reminds me of an old baseball joke - What was Mickey Mantle's favorite inning? The bottom of the fifth. That's right - Recovery equals drinking heavily. So much so that should an Eastern European ask for directions to a club and you give it to him and then he steals your cellphone, you're too drunk to chase after him. And you're wearing flip-flops. In the rain. And you had just fallen face first into a bar window thus are bleeding from the head. This happened to a guy I once knew. What a loser.

Step 8. A new beginning.

STOP DATING WHORES OR DOLPHINS...

The.... End (???)