No!!! They're Doing it All Wrong!

Please please please, Boycott Sea Life Park in Hawaii, posthaste. In the idiotic desire to boost sales, they sped up evolution in the wrong direction by creating a dolphin slash false killer whale hybrid called, stupidly enough, the Wolphin. Retarded name, I know. But here's the real problem. I'm no Steve Darwin, but I know enough about evolution to know that something with the best traits of two species will inevitably be more resistant to disease through combination of gene pools. Now in the cases of things like mules, I think they're infertile. But the wolphin is fertile. Which means it can potentially escape its confines and breed a new army of wolphin super soldiers. It would be like we actually let Kurt Russel out of his electro-magnetic prison that keeps his bad ass in check and we released Chuck Norris from the steel island in the middle of a volcano's magma pool that ensures his isolation from society as a whole and they got together and somehow one of them turned into a woman and then they got together and did it and then their spawn was displayed in a zoo for entertainment of badassery but then escaped to the wild and started impregnating female action stars like Kate Beckinsale or Rose McGowan or Bea Arthur and then their offspring rose to the highest echelons of mankind's leadership and we were all placed under the heels of their kick ass jackboots.

Just like that, except with wolphins. Don't believe me? Here's a completely unaltered wikipedia entry:

The first captive wholphin was born on May 15, 1985 where a female bottlenose dolphin named Punahele and a male false killer whale named Tanui Hahai shared a pool. The wholphin's size, color and shape are intermediate between the parent species. Named Kekaimalu, she has 66 teeth - intermediate between a bottlenose (88 teeth) and false killer whale (44 teeth) as well as directly intermediate in ammunition capacity - while the bottlenose is capable of 300 rounds of 30mm ammunition, the false killer whale can hold up to 500 rounds yielding a 400 round capacity for the Wolphin.

crap.

Now for some reason I'm stuck in italics. So now it's going to look like I'm quoting someone. In fact, that's how I'll roll with that. Everything contained forthwith is a quote from the Encyclopaedia Britannica, New York Times, Wall Street Journal and Perez Hilton, so clearly the whole thing is true. So citing the above article, one can only assume that the -


OH MY GOD - I'm watching a children's cartoon about these kids who can turn into dinosaurs and they're at a concert and papier machete dolphins are part of the props on stage and they fall towards the band. So needless to say one of the kids has to turn into a dinosaur to save the singer, named Krissy Krash, from the falling artificial dolphins. I'm not making this up. I'm literally watching this right now on CBS channel 2 because I don't have cable. Here's the show. It's completely retarded: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dino_Squad.

OK - back to the Wolphin threat - basically they'll combine the ammunition capacity nearer to the less-aggressive false killer whale which is really quite gentle (but still must be exterminated) with the blood-thirsty violence of the bottlenose, the acknowledged ring leader in dolphin vs. human killings.

Sorry - I got completely sidetracked by the fact that even fake dolphins in cartoons are inherently killers. Geez. Nowhere is safe. Or is it Now Here is Safe? Or is it Help I Snow Here? Remember that one? It figured out if you were A) Optimist, B) Pessimist or C) Wiseass. Guess which one I got...