Bernard L. Madoff: American Hero

Now I know what you're thinking: How can this fucknugget rape $50 billion away from prominent investors the world over, crippling personal fortunes and wiping out many a noble charity and still be classified as an American Hero?  Well, there is logic behind this madness.  Bear with me:

1.  Bernie the Douche ran a classic Ponzi scheme.  Paying initial investors with high "returns" that was actually just the money from subsequent investors and no relevance to sound investing.

2.  In the process, he netted some of the richest people in the world and their foundations.

3.  Some of these foundations provided excellent services for the poor and less fortunate of the world.

4.  Once these foundations cease to support the teeming masses, well they will do what teeming masses have done for time immemorial: rise up and cast the fetters of rulership from their shoulders in a revolution, be it bloodless or not.

5.  Once a revolution is underway, a new revolutionary government will rise to the forefront creating a new world order.

6.  Since the chaos and uncertainty of the revolutionary economy will more than likely not support the concept of legal tender, a barter economy will likely arise.

7.  Barter economies tend to value rare commodities very highly.

8.  What's rare?  Fucking Whale Oil, Bitches.

That's right.  Madoff is an American hero because the instability created by his massive scam will inevitably open the doors for unrestricted dolphin/whale warfare.  Think U-Boats in WWI.  We're the U-Boats, the dolphins are the Lusitania and I'm Kaiser Wilhelm II.  That makes my mother Woodrow Wilson, my best friend Field Marshal Haig and my boxer shorts the Schlieffen Plan.