Know Thy Enemy: Commerson's Dolphin

Here's a villain if I ever saw one:



That's Commerson's Dolphin. It's one of the smallest of all dolphins, but don't let that fool you. Nicknamed the Skunk Dolphin, this killer is as equally brutal as its larger brethren. Five feet long and 51 pounds of destruction, the Commerson's Dolphin has been wreaking havoc on the area around Patagonia and Magellan's Strait since it was first discovered by white men (the only men that matter) in 1767. Philibert Commerson should have done the world a favor and acted like most white men in the New World: he should have told the dolphin he was making its life more comfortable by evicting it from its natural habitat and giving it blankets, with smallpox. Yep. The Commerson's Dolphin deserves a smallpox blanket. Or diptheria. I don't exactly know what diptheria is, but it sounds nasty.

A note on the appearance of this asshole: they look retarded. They should have been eliminated from the gene pool just for idiotic looks in the first place, so I'm surprised that they have not become an evolutionary dead end like the polar bear or elves. I'm even more surprised that a second "tribe" of these "savages" has been discovered in the Indian Ocean in addition to its South Atlantic habitat. Residents of Sri Lanka (nee Ceylon) - beware! The Commerson's Dolphin is stalking your seas, waiting for the next time the entire island Civil War or Floods itself into the ocean. On a flooding related side note: what the fuck is wrong with people in Iowa? Hey Irv, I've got a great idea... let's build our home next to, you know, the river that periodically floods. But instead of moving to high ground, Norman, we'll build an earthen wall to make sure that the river doesn't flood our house. Because if there's one thing that foils water, it's a naturally eroded barrier made from piles of dirt. That'll show that tricky nature to not mess with the US of A.

Oh wait - they didn't learn their lesson and continually drive up our taxes to bail out their sodden cheeto fed asses and divert funds from the government that could be better used to initiate programs like using Nimtz class supercarriers and Ohio class submarines in conjunction with depth charge equipped destroyers to drive dolphins ashore in say, Tybee Island, GA where they can be effectively "handled" by the US Marines. What a sight that would be - the full prowess of our military harnessed in a dolphin bloodbath. Also, the Marines would get off on it because they'd finally be able to really use their otherwise ceremonial swords. I might even enlist if this happens - just give me a rifle with a bayonet and I'll be stab happy for blowholes! Stabby stab!