Dolphin Paparazzi

Dolphins kill frequently and with criminal intent. Just ask Vincent D'Onofrio. He'd be out of a job were it not for dolphin committed murders. He's a great detective by the way. I can't believe they allow those documentary crews that follow him such unfettered access to what looks to be sensitive crime scenes. I mean, there was even one time that Private Pyle was undercover with some drug dealers and corrupt cops and still the cameras were following him. How that didn't bust up the investigation is beyond me.

Relevant to this tangent, I would like to address the problems posted by those dolphins employed in the entertainment photography industry. Dolphins killed Princess Diana. There. I said it. Not landmines, not alcohol related driving, not the sudden stop at the end. Dolphin paparazzi killed her and Mr. Harrod's. Drove her into the mid-tunnel barrier with their Moto-Guzzis or what not. Flash, pop, crash.

Dystopian Futures...

The year was 1995. The interwebs were just a glimmer in Al Gore's eyes. But everyone knew that one day, we'd be able to uplink our minds straight to the 'net (as the "in the know" folks call it, apostrophe and all) and travel through cyberspace which looked like a big green grid or Tron or something. And our "avatars" of ourselves would be able to do really cool things that we otherwise couldn't do like virtually fly or keep data in our heads or have sex with Stephen Hawking's avatar that looked like Briana Banks but still sounded like Stephen Hawking. A landmark movie that completely missed the point that the internet is exclusively for A) Jacking Off and B) the Rants of Less Than Intelligent Liberals/Archconservatives/Porn Stars was Johnny Mnemonic.

A fantastic documentary, Johnny Mnemonic starred the famous actor Neo. I believe his real name is Mister Anderson. At any rate, Neo is a data courier with a massive amount of storage space in his head. He has at least an iPod's worth of pharmaceutical data in his head and is being pursued by various gangs, corporate armies and not by Angelina Jolie. She was too busy being in Hackers, I think. What was the one with Sandra "Horrrrssseey" Bullock? The Web? The Net? Who cares. That one sucked.

So Johnny Mnemonic has all the makings of a horribly misguided vision of the future. I'm watching it right now as we - OH MY FUCKING GOD - THERE'S A FUCKING DRUGGED OUT DOLPHIN RUNNING THE INTERNET?!?!?

Jesus Fucking Handbag on a Crutch of our Lord and Saviour... That just ruined my life. I knew it. Somehow I knew it all along - doesn't it make sense? A depressed heroin addicted dolphin is the ultimate czar/tsar of the interwebs.


This is terrifying. I'm starting to wonder if that Daily Kos guy is actually a dolphin. I am 100% sure that TMZ is a dolphin - it speaks for itself, the level of their "reporting". Fuck - now I'm all paranoid that everything I look at on the internet is created by and/or for dolphin users.

Is nothing sacred? They can't even leave our precious computers alone.

01101001001000100100011110101001 now equals "click, buzz, chirp chirp, click, eee eee eee eee click".