Wrecking the Environment Bait and Switch

As an instrument of environmental destruction, nothing really comes close to the Automobile. Just think of the resources, greed and inefficiency involved in transporting one person in an encased two ton shell of steel. It's stellar! The carbon footprint of just shipping the iron ore to a smelting plant must be like 3,654.3 times higher than taking a subway for a year! I love it. Then compound that with producing the things, the petrochemicals involved in the plastics, shipping the car to the dealer... all of this just so one person can get a latte at 3:45am in La Jolla! I freaking love it.

So imagine my dismay, while reading about the design chief at a notorious world wrecker, Mercedes-Benz, I come across this quote:

The F700 exaggerates even further the sweeping bananalike body curve of the CLS. Mr. Wagener said it took its form from dolphins. “It was inspired by nature and hydrodynamics,” he said.

Really? Fucking Really? I'm having fun reading about the conspicuous waste of the earth's resources and the selfish (read: AWESOME) needs of people to basically drive the net value of the GDP of Malawi to Whole Foods to feel good about the fact that they are the richest people in the history of mankind - I mean EVER - richest in food, money, health, gold chains, blood diamonds, jade hood ornaments, ball gags... And then the fucking liberal media has to go and fuck it up by placing a design language based on nature and dolphins in (irony alert) the most unnatural and nature hating (therefore dolphin hating) mode of conveyance ever. Disappointing, to say the least.

As a result, I've been setting extra Hummer fires lately. After I drive them for like 1,000 miles, pour a whole bunch o' CO into the atmosphere, I set their auras free - by dousing with gasoline (win) and having them burn (win win) letting further plastics (win win win) into the atmosphere and rendering the steel completely unusable in the future (win win win win). Super environmental rapery quadrafecta, complete.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/24/automobiles/24BENZ.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

They Just Keep Getting Better... At Terrifying Me.

Another reason to beware of the dolphin. They're like Santa Claus. How so? THEY DON'T SLEEP:

Generally, dolphins sleep with only one brain hemisphere in slow-wave sleep at a time, thus maintaining some amount of consciousness required to breathe and keeping one eye open to keep a watch out for possible threats.

So there you have it - Dolphins are always awake in some capacity. Most likely to know when to strike. Although that would be quite a cool talent, say at a corporate meeting. "As you can see, the FYo9 outlook is pie graph bar graph bull bear Nasdaq Dow Jones, and we must diversify {shuts off one hemisphere of the brain} the portfolio by merging our Exxon to our Mobil Google stock iPhone 3G nano-technology... Jones, JONES! Are you even listening?" "Yes sir, with only my left hemisphere 'cause my right one shut down." "Jones, that's what I like about you - efficiency and initiative. Jenkins, why can't you be more like Jones?" {Cracks a Coors Light and that train comes by and everyone's in bikinis, except Jenkins, because that would be gross}.

Fin.