To the Residents of New Orleans:

Count your blessings.  Not only did the Hurricane Gustav not destroy your city but it "dampened" (pun) the efforts of the Republicans to have a party.  Now you're probably asking yourself "why are you mocking, sir?  By all accounts, Mr. Dolphin Hater, you seem pretty fucking Republican."  Well, let's go through the checklist:

1. Upholds laws selectively only when not flagrantly breaking it?  CHECK.

2. Blatant disregard for the environment?  DUH.

3. Freaking LOVE FEST for the Military?  HELL FUCKING YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS!

4. A secret family life including pregnancies, affairs (gay or straight), secret drug abuses?  I HAVE TAKEN THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SPEAK TO YOU TO INFORM THE PUBLIC THAT I AM TAKING TIME FROM MY POST TO SPEND WITH MY FAMILY.

Crap - I just subconsciously gave the standard Republican resignation speech.  I guess I am a Republican but in all honesty I thought I was more Republican like the NeoCons or Michigan Militias.  I guess I was wrong.  I guess I'm just a standard run of the mill white Republican.  Crap.  Wanna go to J. Crew then?

Back to the Home of Bush, Reggie Bush.  Gustav didn't really do much except drizzle on N.O., thus squelching my intelligence reports of a massive levy-based dolphin semi-amphibious invasion.  Actually it would just be a nautical invasion pending several million years of evolution to get legs (which won't happen because dolphins were made that way by God and there is no evolution) and probably a plot device involving a well meaning but embarassing college dad played by Eugene Levy.  

Wow that was a long way to go to just work in an American Pie reference.  Please don't let me write train of thought anymore unless we're all confident I'll end up with Naked Lunch... or at least Naked during Lunch with that chick a couple cubicles over.  No - not that one.  She'll sleep with anything.  And I mean ANYTHING.  

(I miss her.)

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Woo Hoo!.... I said... woo. hoo.

Ding dong the dolphin's dead! Dum Dum Dum... Another One Bites the Dust! And Iiiiiiiiiii eeeee iiiiiiiii will always love yooooouuuuuuuuuuueuueueueueueu!

OK - the third song didn't really make sense. But the first two did. Because you shall relish in my cromulence and it shall be glorious!

Second dead dolphin found washed up on Alicante coast
By: thinkSPAIN , Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Council workers found a dead dolphin at around 5.30am this morning as they were cleaning Elche's Arenales del Sol beach.

The 1.5m-long specimen has been taken to Alicante University for analysis.

It is not known whether this discovery is linked to a similarly unusual incident in Benidorm yesterday, when a sick baby dolphin died shortly after being found washed up on the beach by bathers.

I don't even know what country this is in. Spain? Never heard of it. Is that near Djibouti? Must be. What I know about Spain is they've got it made. First of all, it looks as if their shore line is the dolphin equivalent of Omaha Beach, replete with mines on poles, hedgehogs and Nazi manned pill-boxes. Secondly, it's such a relaxed country with siesta and all that beachgoers are called "bathers". Bathers? What about swimmers? Beach aficionados? Nope. "Bathers". Like if the country took an economic downturn it would be "we all, how you say, no like dinero no more. This is life." Actually, Spain sounds like more of a Mecca than the actual Mecca, which sounds like a rock in a desert (note to self: set profile to super secret, move, change names, don't travel abroad). Crap. I just made fun of Islam. That's bad. I know what happens to people who do that. So to the adherents of Mohammed, I counter with this:

Jesus was a fag.

The Torah is gay.

Buddha's way of enlightenment is short-sighted at best.

Shinto is animistic.

Zeus is a paedophile and incestuous.

Gozer Rulez!

Take that, prominent religions of the world! It always comes back to Gozer, doesn't it? I was sleeping with the Gozerian for a while. Turns out she wasn't Gozerian so much as she was a dirty English whore. But ultimately, they amount to the same thing. I was Bill Murray and the Key Master is NO WHERE NEAR as good looking as I am. Because I'm 6'4", 230 lbs. of muscle and make Brad Pitt look like Oprah's Vahjayjay.

Maaaaattttt Daaamon.





AIDS.