Retirement Notice

Screw you guys - I'm going home.  I'm sick of dolphins.  Consider this my resignation.  Instead, revel in the cromulence that is my latest project...

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The Dolphin Mafia and The Waste Management Industries: An Exclusive Expose - Part I

East Rutherford, NJ - Donald Altieri lived, on paper, a normal life.  A middle class family man, rising through the ranks of a respected neighborhood carting firm from trash handler, to driver, to dispatcher, eventually to regional manager.  With the modest career path fulfilled, the few trappings of luxury he acquired for his family - a mink stole for his wife, a late model used Jeep for his son, a high-end SUV for himself - seemed ordinary.  However when Mr. Altieri took the stand at Federal Court yesterday, his life was nothing but ordinary.  A high level Captain in the Odontoceti Crime Family, Mr. Altieri turned state's evidence in return for a reduced sentence for guilty pleas in racketeering, money laundering and violations of the RICO act.  The revelations that followed Mr. Altieri's testimony shocked the world of organized crime.

"I [have] been working for the Odontoceti's for about 38 years.  It started small enough when I was just picking up trash, just a kid dropping out of high school.  First we'd start by smashing [the other carting company's] bins and dumpsters.  [Just to] Let them know who's boss.  As I got better [at petty vandalism], I [would] get better jobs.  But some [of the jobs] were queer.  Strange, you know?  Not in the [REDACTED] way.  Fifty pounds of fresh tuna here.  Sinking a trawler boat in Elizabeth [New Jersey] there.  Breaking the legs of a blacksmith who worked on the docks.  Paying huge bribes to Greenpeace.  Something was a little bit, pardon my pun, fishy."

PART II of The Expose Continues Tomorrow.

New Zealand is Opening the Gates of Hell

For all those who relish the rapture, I've got great news for you: Due to the actions of certain New Zealanders, the apocalypse may very well be upon us.  For any of these fools to think that swimming with a playful dolphin on holiday is a great idea, you're doing it wrong.  It's a horrible idea.  It is fraught with peril and dangerous.  That and it will unleash the full powers of the four horsemen - Rape, Vegemite, Pestilence and Non-Alcoholic Beer.  Swimming with a dolphin is the same as eating at Red Lobster.  It looks like a good idea on TV but the experience is so much worse, you'll end up sick and probably violated anally.  

So if this dolphin sharing behavior continues, the antichrist will reveal themselves to the world and commence judgement.  Just your luck though, I happen to have the inside scoop on this.  I know the identity of the antichrist:  Tilda Swinton.

This kinda makes sense, doesn't it?  She's fairly terrifying looking, is a ginger kid and has acted in some terrible movies.  That sounds sorta antichristy behavior to me, doesn't it?  

Alright.  Back to making love to my sweet new fiance, Heidi Montag and her fake cans, face, eyes, calves, hair, cheekbones, chin, toenails, labia, earlobes and duodenum.  

Oh crap - I'm fucking a robot.

Enemies of Humanity, Part XXIV: Oprah

First things first:  One Named People are not to be trusted.  Madonna (cough - slut!), Shakira (cough - midget slut!), John Wilkes Booth (cough - great aim!).  Second things second: People who name their production company anything other than "Worldwide Pants" are not to be trusted.  That puts Oprah squarely in our crosshairs, as if we were a Franz Ferdinand song or for that matter as if we were just actually Franz Ferdinand.

Oprah, with her see-saw weight problems (too much krill, I think) and her megalomania (check under your seats) and unbridled, holier-than-thou magnanimity (again, check under your seats) should be one of the first against the wall should the revolution come.  Yes - I get it.  You came from nothing.  Yes - I get it.  You forged a billion dollar media empire.  Yes  - I get it.  You enjoy cake.

Further investigation yields the following results:

Oprah is very close in spelling to "Orca" in that both words contain an "o", "r" and "a".  Furthermore, Oprah is 90% blubber.  It doesn't take a leap of the imagination to figure this out.  Oprah is an evolutionary off-shoot of the killer whale.  I mean, they're both black, right?  They both eat seals.  Both are the darlings of the liberal elite.  Both have problems mating in captivity.  

So case closed.  Oprah is an enemy of humanity because she is a killer whale.  

OH SNAP! I WANT THIS!

Honeywell (NYSE: HON) is one of the world's foremost manufacturers of thermostats, automobile parts and that's right - weapon systems.  Imagine my delight when it was announced the Honeywell partnered with Microsoft to create this bad boy:

The Honeywell Dolphin 7850... 

Set this bad boy to "char broil" and commence the slaughter.  It took them long enough to create an actually functioning Star Trek (TM) style phaser gun thingybob.  I mean, look at all the sweet buttons and touch screen.  This thing just screams "let's toast us some Tribbles" or "look out, humpbacks, I got me a laser gun!"  God I want one... how much are they?  

Two Hours Later:  Um.  After a cease and desist email from the fine lawyers at Cadawalalalader, Wickersham, Haversham, Taft, Skadden, Arps, McKinsey & Co., I must (1) remove all mention of the above product and (2) note to my readers that this is indeed a barcode scanner and not, I repeat NOT a raygun.

I'm severely disappointed and will have to go back to the old way of killing dolphins:  A 2'x4' with a couple 16 penny nails through the end.

My life, so full of vibrance and vivacity and other "v" words, has suddenly become fallow and barren, like most  girl's uteruses.  Uterii?  Uterae?  

I'll have to look that up.

They've Formed Squadrons!

What the fucking hell is this?  They're at it again.  First they're causing economic and geopolitical instability.  Next they're writing in major periodicals convincing us to remain sober.  Now, the worst is upon us:

Dolphins are forming into maritime squadrons and practicing maneuvers.  You know that whole US Military in the desert joint operations stuff where entire airwings and full armored brigades fly and drive around in Nevada blowing stuff up in what looks like a really fun time, like Burning Man sans hippies?  Well the dolphins are up to it now.  Except that's not cool.  That's terrifying.  Once they organize they can overpower our Ohio Class submarines, get the access codes and start nuking bitches.  And they'll probably start with Orlando Florida since so many of their kin are impriso - entertaining there.  

Actually, that wouldn't be a bad thing.  Let's wait until after they nuke Orlando.  The world would be a better (and thinner) place without that cesspool of humanity where middle (fat) class Americans go to gorge on force-fed pop culture and force fed cheese coated cheese dogs.  

I bet the nuking of Orlando would smell like a giant barbecue... Fat sizzling on the pavement of Disney World.  The little piggy children and Doris and Alex Caldwell of Omaha, Nebraska boiling in the artificial lagoons of Universal Studios Theme Park.  The screams of terror from Peter "Big Dog" Marks and his wife LuAnne as little Peter "Lil' Dog" and LuAnne Jr., "Poopy Pants" are incinerated by a 20 kiloton MIRV.  

Yeah - wait until the dolphins take the Ohio Classes and nuke Orlando THEN retaliate.

So watch the video and follow my sentiments of NOT FUCKING COOL, DUDE.  Really - this is in newspeak what is usually called doubleplusungood.  

Dolphins Clip - Watch the best video clips here

Susan Cheever is Commie Pinko Dolphin Rat

One of the top articles emailed in the Paper of Record, err... the Grey Lady.... er, the leftist radical tax and spend democratic New York Times was by Susan Cheever.  This article is so full of crap and lies and mistruths and the basic elimination of fun that I did some "fact finding" (read: warrantless wiretaps) on Susan Cheever.  Welly well well well... much to my chagrin and not to my surprise, a shocking truth emerged.  I guess you'll just have to read the transcript:

NYT Editor: Listen, Susan, I really need you to undermine the power of the Federal Government.  We only have a month until our overlord is installed and all the minorities get millions of dollars from 300% tax increases on corporations.  But every second a patriot like George Bush is in office is a second we must use to be subversive.  I want you to call our friends in Communist China and Cuba to see if they can send some operatives.  By the way, great job slandering all the hard working investment bankers.

Susan Cheever:  Eeep!  Eeeep!  Brururururururur chrrrrrrrrrrrr POP!  

NYT Editor: That's right.  I want the op-ed to reflect -

Susan Cheever: Icky icky icky!

NYT Editor: Exactly, thank the vast right wing conspiracy called the silent majority for allowing us the entrance into this most devious of plots.  Also, don't forget to shit upon Jesus.  All praise Allah!

Susan Cheever: ping ping ping zip Allah!

NYT Editor:  I know.  I can't wait until the US finds it's true place in the world as an Islamic dictatorship under Pervez Al'Raish Ibn Hussein Ibn Barack Ibn Obama Bin Ibn Ibn

Susan Cheever: eckeckeckeck prrrrrrrrrrrrip!

NYT Editor: Good job, Susan.  Keep the elite in check.  Keep the masses subjugated.  I promise you this.  The Gulf of Mexico will be your private Caliphate.

Wiretap Engineer: Bye!

NYT Editor:  Bye!... Wait, did you just say "bye"?  Fuck!  Abort!  They're on to -----

Yep. She's a dolphin...  Susan Cheever in her one "woman" effort to end drunken revelry, which by the way infuses much needed capital into the world economy and much needed cirrhosis into my liver, is conspiring with the management of the New York Times to overthrow that most American of ideals:  Getting shitcanned and telling everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, exactly "what you think".

Screw you, Cheever and the buoy you swam in on.

(By the way - in retrospect, saying "bye" while illegally wiretapping someone probably wasn't in my best interests...)

Bernard L. Madoff: American Hero

Now I know what you're thinking: How can this fucknugget rape $50 billion away from prominent investors the world over, crippling personal fortunes and wiping out many a noble charity and still be classified as an American Hero?  Well, there is logic behind this madness.  Bear with me:

1.  Bernie the Douche ran a classic Ponzi scheme.  Paying initial investors with high "returns" that was actually just the money from subsequent investors and no relevance to sound investing.

2.  In the process, he netted some of the richest people in the world and their foundations.

3.  Some of these foundations provided excellent services for the poor and less fortunate of the world.

4.  Once these foundations cease to support the teeming masses, well they will do what teeming masses have done for time immemorial: rise up and cast the fetters of rulership from their shoulders in a revolution, be it bloodless or not.

5.  Once a revolution is underway, a new revolutionary government will rise to the forefront creating a new world order.

6.  Since the chaos and uncertainty of the revolutionary economy will more than likely not support the concept of legal tender, a barter economy will likely arise.

7.  Barter economies tend to value rare commodities very highly.

8.  What's rare?  Fucking Whale Oil, Bitches.

That's right.  Madoff is an American hero because the instability created by his massive scam will inevitably open the doors for unrestricted dolphin/whale warfare.  Think U-Boats in WWI.  We're the U-Boats, the dolphins are the Lusitania and I'm Kaiser Wilhelm II.  That makes my mother Woodrow Wilson, my best friend Field Marshal Haig and my boxer shorts the Schlieffen Plan.

The New Deal

So I'm a history buff, right? One could say I'm "buffing my history" right now. Let's just say the mouse is a tiny bit sticky. So is the keyboard. So is the monitor. So is your mom's face. Wow. That got out of hand quickly.

In any case, in my search of knowledge, I came across a little known proviso within FDR's New Deal: The Tennessee Valley Authority was not created to bring electricity to the rural South. Instead it's sole purpose was to weaponize dolphins. "Yeah," you're thinking, "but the war hadn't even started yet" to which I will say "weren't we? Weren't we?" We're constantly at war. That's what separates us from the animals, except of course the Field Marshal Dromedary. That's a fucked up beast in its own right. So the dams were all made as a playground for evil Nazi dolphins, hand trained by FDR himself who insisted that the bullshit fake healing powers of dolphins would cure his polio. Guess what, Frankie. It didn't. And your fuck up has killed the fine art of bass fishing for generations because the dolphins reproduced and ate all the fish in the reservoirs. I guess what I'm trying to say is FDR was a royal douche. And the dolphins that saved JFK when the PT109 was hit by the Japanese destoyer are directly responsible for all venereal disease because each and every disease, including that one that makes your dick look like cauliflour, are directly traced to JFK.

Fucking presidents. When will they learn?

Obama's a dolphin.

The Hiatus is OVER

I've found a kindred spirit!  Huzzah!

THIS GUY

So in the spirit of giving, I shall give unto thee the resurrected mission statement of Why Dolphins Suck:

To illuminate the world to the impending peril rendered by the continual survival of dolphins and their kin.  To espouse sufficient hatred vis a vis dolphins thusly spurring mankind into the action of violence against all maritime mammals except sharks (which are awesome).  So say we all.

I just threw a Battlestar Galactica reference in there.  

Let the resurrection of WDS commence forthwith!