Run in Terror! They're Learning, PART II

Jesus fucking christ! NOT AGAIN! They're learning again - first it's tools (see: http://whydolphinssuck.blogspot.com/2008/07/run-in-terror-theyre-learning.html), now it's tail walking. The full article and link is below, but here's the gist of it:

A wild dolphin is apparently teaching other members of her group to walk on their tails, a behaviour usually seen only after training in captivity.

This does not bode well for myself, nor mankind as a whole. If they're now mastering tail walking in the wild, how long until they learn REAL walking? And once that starts the next step is opposable thumbs and Kalashnikov rifles. I mean if some Hutu can get a hold of 34 dozen AK-47's, how hard can it be for the dolphin militia to buy some black market Chinese knock-off assault rifles? Not hard, I should think considering I have like 19 of them and I'm not even 13 years old yet. OK - that was a lie - I have 14 Soviet made killing implements. One more than my age, of 13. Because I'm thirteen and I like candy and windowless vans with murals of dragons on the side. Sure mister, I'd love a lollipop!

Wow - that got dark quickly. Sorta went Amber Alert pretty fast there.

Back on track. Dolphins walking. This is bad fucking news. And since it's from the BBC, there has to be some sort of commie-pinko-red plot in the dissemination of this information. It's as if they're consciously trying to hip the dolphins to the fact that they're special little fishes. And yes, I said "hip {them} to the fact" because that's how I jive.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to jam with Mingus and Bird. If by "jam" you mean "put fire under spoon, wrap arm, inject" then yes, jam.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7570097.stm

Wild dolphins tail-walk on water

By Richard Black Environment correspondent, BBC News website

The tail-walking dolphins were spotted at the coast near Adelaide

A wild dolphin is apparently teaching other members of her group to walk on their tails, a behaviour usually seen only after training in captivity.

The tail-walking group lives along the south Australian coast near Adelaide.

One of them spent a short time after illness in a dolphinarium 20 years ago and may have picked up the trick there.

Scientists studying the group say tail-walk tuition has not been seen before, and suggest the habit may emerge as a form of "culture" among this group.

"We can't for the life of us work out why they do it," said Mike Bossley from the Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society (WDCS), one of the scientists who have been monitoring the group on the Port River estuary.

"We're doing systematic observations now to determine if there's something that may trigger it, but so far we haven't found anything," he told BBC News.

Rich culture

In the 1980s, Billie, one of the females in the group, spent a few weeks in a local dolphinarium recovering from malnutrition and sickness, a consequence of having been trapped in a marina lock.

It would seem that among the Port River dolphins we may have an incipient tail-walking culture Mike Bossley

She received no training there, but may have seen others tail-walking.

Now, other females in the group have picked up the habit. It is seen rarely in the wild, and the obvious inference is that they have learned it from Billie.

"This indicates that they do learn from each other, which is not a surprise really, but it does also seem that they exhibit elements of what in humans we would call 'cultural' behaviour," said Dr Bossley.

"These are things that groups develop and are passed between individuals and that come to define those groups, such as language or dancing; and it would seem that among the Port River dolphins we may have an incipient tail-walking culture."

The "cultural" transmission of ideas and skills has been documented in apes, while dolphins off the coast of Western Australia are known to teach their young to use sponges as an aid when gathering food.

Dolphins Are Subpar Bartenders

Customer service is a dying breed - that we can all agree on. The era of the friendly bartender who has your pint of Guinness half drawn by the time you enter is nearly over. Whether you are frequenting your local Starbucks, Home Depot or Mortuary, it is nearly impossible to find a competent employee behind the bar, power tools desk or that little table to sign condolences who really knows what their business is. How often have we all suffered from an incorrectly made latte, the improper Sawzall for the job or a Noble 18 Gauge Steel brushed monarch blue finished, blue velvet lined casket when we really wanted a a mocha, circular saw or Regent brushed heritage bronze finish, almond velvet interior coffin? Too often, I say.

Further exacerbating this problem is the recent proliferation of dolphins in the service industry. While passable as bar backs and bussers, mediocre as waitstaff and tolerable as maitre d', the recent influx of dolphin bartenders has set our cause back decades. For one, having dolphins handle our precious, precious booze is sacrilege in the first place - who knows what kind of diseases they carry? Secondly, they don't remember faces, names or drinks - very important skills for bartenders. On the off chance that they do remember your drink, they're going to get it wrong. That's a guarantee. Ask for a Mind Eraser, end up with a B-52. Come to think of it, I'd like a Mind 52. It will probably wash down that horrible Manhattan that the Amazon River Dolphin bartender at Flannery's just made me. You would think an Irish pub would hire an Irish person, or at least Scottish as bartenders, but an Amazon River Dolphin? That just does not compute. 2x2=4. Now that computes.

So in addition to getting the drinks wrong on a criminal basis, the dolphin's small flipper just cannot handle a properly shaken martini, inevitably spilling on several patrons. Their abuse of the bar gun for constantly watering themselves down for fear of dessication is disgusting and off-putting to patrons. And their bar-side chatter - you know your local bartender, right? "How's the craic, boy?" Ahhh, well, I could be better, my girl just hooked up with another guy in front of me. "I'm sorry to hear that. You were better than her anyway... How's a pint and a Jameson sound?" You know what, that sounds great. Just what the doctor ordered.

Now let's replace the above Irish stereotype with a dolphin, for roleplaying's sake:

"Chirp Chirp Pip Pip Pip Clikakakakakaka Click Eeep!" Um, I'm not really sure what you said but if it's how I'm doing, well, sorta bad... you see my girl jus - "Eee eee eee ee eeee eee brrrrrrrrrrr!" Thanks for interrupting me buddy. I guess I'll have a Tullamore Dew and - "Click Click Ererererererereeek!" Um, I guess I'm going to take my business elsewhere unless you serve me a fucking drink, right now. {Bartender plays with ball, eats fish, warns of child stuck in buoy}.

OK - that never happened to me because I don't frequent the type of places a dolphin would be bartending. They're usually not at friendly neighborhood bars. Instead they usually work a W Hotel Bars or places with names like "Exit", "Libation", "k@rma" or "The Douche Factory". Since my visual aesthetic involves dark wooden walls and mirrors and not red leather divans and bottle service, I am unlikely to encounter the terrible service afforded by these creatures. Unless I were on a business trip and had to entertain prospects. But since my business trips most often involve amphibious armored personnel carriers and 7.62mm ammunition to terminate the dolphin menace, it won't actually happen.

Now for your viewing pleasure, Brian Flanagan: