Never Hire a Dolphin Drummer

Here we go, folks.  So you and your three friends, right - they're really into Wilco and one buddy is "so totally sure" that he's the next Tweedy.  So you start jamming, having a good time, playing things that sound like Gram Parsons if Gram Parsons had a white noise generator and then BAM - you realize - "Brah, we need a fuckin' drummer, Dude..."  Thus begins the quest of a lifetime for all guitarists:  The Quest For A Decent Drummer drummer drummer drummer

See what I did there?  I used font sizes to make it dramatic.  Classy.  So here's the thing with drummers.  1.  There's not that many of them.  2.  There's even fewer that are good.  I don't care what y'alls say, but Ringo Starr was a fantastic drummer.  Why?  HE KEPT THE BEAT.  That's a drummers job.  Worst drummer ever?  That Fuck Nugget from Dave Matthews Band.   "Hey, you know what this drum kit needs in addition to 94 roto-toms?  How about 4 sets of chimes, 2 gongs, 14 woodblocks and that maraca thing with the metal beads.  Yeah, now we're new age rocking!"  What a douche.  Basically, in hiring a dolphin drummer, you will get a similar result.  A drummer who plays too many notes, probably has a double bass drum, wants to take a solo like his middle name is "Moby Dick" (which is awesome by the way) and always, I MEAN ALWAYS accelerates the tempo.  Carter.  That's his name.  Carter's the fuckhead from Dave Matthews Band (or just "Dave" as the faggots who like that crap call it).  God I wish that guy was a dolphin because I'd harpoon the fuck out of him, post haste.  

There was this dolphin once, a friend of my brothers.  He said "Yo, you gotta hear this new 'Dave' song... it's called 'All Along the Watchtower,'" to which my brother replies "Not only did you miss the Jimi Hendrix version that EVERYBODY knows, you also missed the U2 Rattle and Hum version and COMPLETELY missed the boat on the fact that BOB DYLAN WROTE IT."

Fucking Dolphins.  Fucking retarded.

And they like really bad music.

What the fuck.

Dolphins Suck Because They Like Phish.

No, not Fish. That's a given. But dolphins are avid listeners of the (thankfully) defunct jam band, Phish. How often have you been stuck in Fairfield, CT behind a Subaru Legacy Outback Wagon replete with an ACK sticker, LAX decal, Middlebury College on the back window and that crappy Phish drawing on the bumper? I have many a time contemplated vehicular homicide while following this slowly swerving crappy boxer-engined tin box, training a cloud of smoke, and not from an oil leak, if you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. Drugs. So inevitably if you're with a dolphin, they'll try to work their affinity of Phish into a conversation.

"What about that war in Georgia? I mean, is this a resurgence of the Cold War as Russia asserts its power through leverage of natural gas, e-warfare and oil?"

"Yeah, man. Georgia... bummer. Reminds me of this one crunchy jam, dude. It was at the Clifford Ball- they fucking nailed Tweezer, covered fucking A Day in the Life, Possum and the fucking Tweezer Reprise."

"Did you even hear a word I said, you drug addled asshat?"

OK - so I enjoy the Allman Brothers when they're playing blues and Southern Rock, but when they get into that space drums crap, I tune out and go and get a beer. And as always, during that peacenik bullshit there's a dolphin standing up in the front, twirling and spinning and generally smelling unclean.

Once I was at a Bob Dylan concert - Bob Fucking Dylan - and this hippie dolphin chick with her disgusting batik dress was standing up, front row, spinning and twirling and bumping into people. But it was at a concert hall, thus auditorium style seating. Not a fucking outdoor festival where that behavior, while reprehensible still is at least marginally tolerated. Anyway, this dolphin bitch bumped into one too many people so much so that someone, I think my father, shouted "The Dead is broken up - this is Bob Dylan. Sit the fuck down." That's right, we harshed her mellow. Fucking see you next Tuesday.

It's funny how the best (non-classical) songwriters generally aren't the best musicians but excel at songwriting. Dylan is a passable guitarist, Keith Richards is nothing too special, the Beatles were mediocre at best - but their songwriting is vastly superior to say, Styx, Kansas, Steeley Dan - basically any of that 70s prog crap where there were, how you say, too many notes. Victor Wooten. When the revolution comes, he's the first against the wall. The bass is called the bass because it's THE FUCKING BASE OF THE FUCKING BAND - not a snap crackle and pop cacophony of bullshit.

So next time you see a dolphin get out of their hybrid to go into Whole Foods or a used bookshop, I implore you to 1. key the fuck out of the Toyota and 2. put a George W. Bush '08 sticker over the Phish decal.

This is the word.