Dolphins Suck Because They Like Phish.

No, not Fish. That's a given. But dolphins are avid listeners of the (thankfully) defunct jam band, Phish. How often have you been stuck in Fairfield, CT behind a Subaru Legacy Outback Wagon replete with an ACK sticker, LAX decal, Middlebury College on the back window and that crappy Phish drawing on the bumper? I have many a time contemplated vehicular homicide while following this slowly swerving crappy boxer-engined tin box, training a cloud of smoke, and not from an oil leak, if you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. Drugs. So inevitably if you're with a dolphin, they'll try to work their affinity of Phish into a conversation.

"What about that war in Georgia? I mean, is this a resurgence of the Cold War as Russia asserts its power through leverage of natural gas, e-warfare and oil?"

"Yeah, man. Georgia... bummer. Reminds me of this one crunchy jam, dude. It was at the Clifford Ball- they fucking nailed Tweezer, covered fucking A Day in the Life, Possum and the fucking Tweezer Reprise."

"Did you even hear a word I said, you drug addled asshat?"

OK - so I enjoy the Allman Brothers when they're playing blues and Southern Rock, but when they get into that space drums crap, I tune out and go and get a beer. And as always, during that peacenik bullshit there's a dolphin standing up in the front, twirling and spinning and generally smelling unclean.

Once I was at a Bob Dylan concert - Bob Fucking Dylan - and this hippie dolphin chick with her disgusting batik dress was standing up, front row, spinning and twirling and bumping into people. But it was at a concert hall, thus auditorium style seating. Not a fucking outdoor festival where that behavior, while reprehensible still is at least marginally tolerated. Anyway, this dolphin bitch bumped into one too many people so much so that someone, I think my father, shouted "The Dead is broken up - this is Bob Dylan. Sit the fuck down." That's right, we harshed her mellow. Fucking see you next Tuesday.

It's funny how the best (non-classical) songwriters generally aren't the best musicians but excel at songwriting. Dylan is a passable guitarist, Keith Richards is nothing too special, the Beatles were mediocre at best - but their songwriting is vastly superior to say, Styx, Kansas, Steeley Dan - basically any of that 70s prog crap where there were, how you say, too many notes. Victor Wooten. When the revolution comes, he's the first against the wall. The bass is called the bass because it's THE FUCKING BASE OF THE FUCKING BAND - not a snap crackle and pop cacophony of bullshit.

So next time you see a dolphin get out of their hybrid to go into Whole Foods or a used bookshop, I implore you to 1. key the fuck out of the Toyota and 2. put a George W. Bush '08 sticker over the Phish decal.

This is the word.

DWD - Driving While Dolphin

So we're all quite familiar with the requisite ethnic/geographical stereotypes that go along with certain people's driving habits. Southern Californians are on their non-hands-free cellphone to "do lunch" whilst writing their screenplay on a MacBook Air, drinking a lo-cal, no-caf, half-caf, de-caf latte. Old Asian women are in the left lane at 43 mph with the left indicator on. Connecticut drivers will inevitably make a 6 lane U-Turn in a Volvo station wagon with a Lacrosse sticker, ACK sticker, Yale Sticker, Harvard Law Sticker, Sticker with a picture of other Stickers...

Encapsulating all of the worst qualities of the above drivers and adding a dash of Jersey in the mix are of course, the Dolphins. First of all, they're so fucking smug in their hybrids or biodiesel Volkswagens with Greenpeace bumper stickers and that gay equality symbol. Frankly the preacheyness of those stickers are as equally annoying as the Jesus Fish thing or W. For President. On a side note, there are many fantastic dolphin fatalities due to that Jesus Fish thing. As chronic tailgaters, some dolphins will notice the Jesus Fish thing and think "Oooo, Dinner!" and subsequently run the driver of the Fish bearing vehicle off the road. Since the dolphins don't wear seatbelts, they're quickly ejected through the windshield in the collision. Unfortunately for us, since this trend could kill both dolphins and Bible Beaters, these occurrences are few and far between due to the dolphin's proclivity towards living near the coast and near predominantly liberal urban centers. Since the bulk of the right wing Ned Flanders Jesus Lovers are in the barren wasteland of the rest of the country between New York and San Francisco, the two groups of drivers rarely meet upon the road.

Side note - In Europe this NEVER happens. Not because the distinct lack of Jesus Fish (which is true) but due to a little known EU law banning dolphins from motor vehicle ownership. Thus a European dolphin is more likely to travel via mass transit or bicycle or something like that. There is quite a tight knit European dolphin community. So there's a horrible reason behind that: During World War II as the entire continent was in upheaval and millions upon millions of people, civilian and combatants alike, were being slaughtered, the dolphin community thrived and suffered very little casualties. The reason? Hitler loved dolphins and appointed many of them to high posts within the Nazi government. Yep. Dolphins were Nazis. If that doesn't clear it up, I don't know what will.

We gotta go after these war criminals before they again rise to power. I'm starting tomorrow by just slashing the tires of every Prius I see hoping that they're dolphin owned. PWN3D!