Walruses - You're On The List, Too

According to that ever reliable and never fabricated English publication The Sun, Walruses in the Tokyo aquarium hold "Jam Sessions".  Unless your name is Miles, Monk or Mingus, you are not allowed to have a jam session.  Inevitably these jam sessions, especially if you're white and suburban begin under the auspices of assembling musically like-minded people for some creative fun and ultimately devolve into five guitarists sitting on a couch with a king size bag of Doritos, a bong and the season two DVDs of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.  I can only assume that since walruses look like the two most whitest people on earth, Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage that indeed, this jam session will sound like this:

"Man, I really love 'St. Stephen'".

"Me too... pass it this way."

"Giggle".

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1687109.ece

Marriage is I Guess Sorta Cool

So my brother (younger) got married this weekend. It wasn't half bad. Who am I kidding? - it was freaking great. He married a human, which is always good for my cause as we need to perpetuate the species to 1. outbreed the dolphin and 2. outbreed the Palin family. I think they're up to 322 children (legitimate and otherwise). And the Spears' family. 9,878 in that clan.

Furthermore, my brother did his honeymoon right - left immediately at the wedding. And he didn't go to Atlantis resort which allows you to swim with captive dolphins. Which is OK because they're captive and therefore most likely depressed but still bad because people are getting exposed to them and getting the wrong idea that they're gentle and kind and sensitive creatures. Actually, besides my violent anti-dolphin platform of hatred, I can sorta be gentle and kind and sensitive. Thus completely without a girlfriend. Because girls respond to dickery, cockery, assholery and fuckheadery. And probably not to to fabricated words ushered into existence by the addition of "-ery".

The Atlantis resort made it look so appealing - frolicking in the tepid, urine saturated water, eating sanitized meals with sanitized families just like you, all the while keeping 100% isolated from the natives other than the "help". And exotic sea creatures at your beck and call to do your bidding, whatever it might be. It's basically the antithesis of Habitat for Humanity.

Wait a second. I hate hippies and Carter-type crap like Habitat for Humanity. By that logic, Atlantis resort is Awesome. I'm booking a trip right now. And I'm bringing a toaster and a 40' extension cord to electromocute some dolphins.

Enemies of Humanity, Part II: Greenpeace

Greenpeace is suspect for a multitude of reasons: Hippies, Protests in Trees, Saving the Rainforest, Anti-Whaling Campaigns, Stopping Our Kick Ass Army from Nuking Things... the list can go on ad infinitum. The number one reason they're an enemy of humanity is their pro-dolphin stance. The number one reason they're suspect though, is it was founded IN CANADA. Of course they're fucking misguided - they were founded in America, Jr. Most things Canadian are backwards in general and their unmitigated support of all things dolphin is the worst part about them and Greenpeace. In fact, I wouldn't be overly surprised that Greenpeace is a Canadian Funded Terror Organization. Everyone familiar with Nunavut? No, of course you're not. Nunavut is a self-governing Inuit territory encompassing most of the area around Hudson's Bay, so of course it's seasonably warm up there. The proud Inuit did not seek autonomy for political purposes. Instead they wanted self-governance to uphold the practices of their forefathers, namely slaughtering maritime mammals. To the 32,000 residents of Nunavut living on 808,000 square miles (I'm not mathmagician, but I think that means it's crowded up there), I salute you in your service to mankind by terminating dolphins and their "cute" friends, the whale and Mr. Heidi Klum.

Back to task - Greenpeace. Bunch of fucking jackasses. First of all, to join Greenpeace, the only things you need are a clipboard, birkenstocks and no personal hygiene. They're always hanging out on the street asking you if you'd like to donate or sign some bullshit about boycotting something that I would find awesome - like exploding South Pacific Islands or Feeding the Bears. True Story: Several Years ago I was walking down Lexington with my ex-girlfriend (let's just call her "Plays on Train Tracks" - she was native American. Or retarded. Anyway, she died on impact). The Greenpeace Eco-Losers tried to block our way and asked if we {Annoying Hippie Accent} "Cared about the environment?" What kind of loaded question is that bullshit? Do I CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT? As I am indeed a product and fucking resident of the environment and I care very much about, well, myself because I'm awesome, so yes then you fucking mal-nourished whiny bitch, I do care about the environment. Anyway, it seems my hatred of dolphins has been latent for quite some time because the very first thing that popped into my head was "No thanks, my shoes are made out of dolphin". "Plays on Train Tracks" was a midwesterner who had relocated to the Pacific Northwest so she was quite taken aback at how rude I was to one of her kind. Bitch, please. 1. I'm a New Yorker. 2. You know I hate hippies. 3. We dated for 2 years - I'm sure at some point you got the memo that indeed I am an asshole.

Then I punched her in the dorsal fi - OH MY GOD - She wasn't offended that I made fun of the tree-hugger. She was offended because she was a dolphin. Unclean! Unclean! I fucked a dolphin! Ewwwww....