Dolphins are Front-Runners, and Man U Supporters.

I get it - you won the double. You're also the most arrogant group of fags ever. That's right, I'm talking to you, Manchester United supporters. More importantly I'm talking to Manchester United supporters who are not from Manchester. Most importantly, I'm talking to dolphin supporters of Manchester United. I hate it when you see a dolphin Man U follower, wearing a brand new scarf, an 07-08 kit and a faux Ronaldo hairdo, walking down the street with a swagger that just says "I am a world class douche." They have no knowledge of the subtlety of the game and yell the stupid "Glory, Glory Man United... Glory, Glory Man United..." over and over again. They're essentially perpetual frontrunners. I mean, if you even mention Eric Cantona, they'll think he was just an actor in a Cate Blanchett film.

Now let me add one disclaimer - I am an avowed New York Yankees fan, but I hate the Yankees frontrunner dolphin fans maybe more than I hate Red Sox fans. I understand that being the best attracts the best talent (A-Rod, Ronaldo) and the worst kind of fans (Dolphins, Dolphins) who with no knowledge of the nuanced nature of either game merely select that team which they hear the most about.

But since the only way dolphins "hear" of any sporting results is through anyone who accidentally drops a waterproof radio in the ocean, inevitably they will hear of Cristiano Ronaldo being gay, A-Rod being gay and both teams winning fucking everything, all the time. Except when United wins, Jesus is killed again. Because God is an Arsenal supporter. That and the Yankees suck this year.

So ultimately, what am I saying here? The worst pitcher in the history of baseball is a dolphin. It would make sense. Injury prone - check. Banged Alyssa Milano - check. Injury prone - check.

That's right, Carl Pavano is a dolphin. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Five Simple Words: Dolphins. Are. Red. Sox. Fans.

The level of retardation exhibited by this species is unparalleled in the animal kingdom (phylum, class, order, family, genus, species). This can be summed up in their choice of American Sporting Teams. 94% of dolphins are Red Sox fans. And they just jumped on the band wagon. Despite nearly a century of "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" behavior, the lowly (and freaking racist) Red Sox fans are reveling in their new found glory and of course the front runner dolphin is eager to throw their flipper into the melee. In a classic show of stupidity, these maritime terrorists embraced the most callous and boorish breed of baseball supporter by donning their Big Papi jerseys, Lon Lester commemorative "I Had Cancer" hats and Curt Schilling "I swear I was injured" bloody socks. If I hear another fucking dolphin saying "that's just Manny being Manny" or "wicked retahded" or "I am a lower class uneducated Irish American without any salient knowledge of Ireland itself" again, I swear I will drive to Boston and "pahk my cah" (laden with with propane cannisters) in Yawkey Way and subsequently wahk away. Holding a detonator.

Please support the Yankees (and thus America) by purging the world of these Green Monster loving cetaceans. I will use my Jason Giambi autographed mustache bat to pummel the slimy assholes into certain and utter oblivion. Ever play Tee-Ball? Yeah you have - admit it. Pretend the dolphin's dorsal fin is the ball and start there. Then work your way down into the brainal region. Yes - brainal is a scientific term. I know. I'm a Scientologist therefore smarter than you. Except replace "smarter" with "brainwashdeyer".

Point of Clarification

A cursory Google search yields many websites professing equal hatred of Dolphins... the Miami Dolphins. I want to clarify to readers all over the interwebs that I hold no umbrage towards to fine tradition of Miami Dolphins football. Mostly because of their 1972 season - it will always still make the Patriots look like a bunch of Douches. Thank you Eli.

Anyway - back on task:

When the revolution comes the first against the wall, in order shall be:

1. Dolphins
2. Sea Turtles
3. Red Sox Fans

That is all.

Delphinidae est Mort

(I really don't know if that means what I'd like it to mean in Latin. Don't care either).