Dolphin Taxi Drivers

As a New Yorker, often you encounter a taxi driver with a less than stellar grasp of the English language.  I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, I'm just saying it leaves something to be desired.  Actually, I AM saying there's something wrong with that - these dirty immigrants and foreigners are taking jobs that Americans could but do not want to do.  We shouldn't have taxis then.  That's the true American way - if it's too hard or too menial and no one else will do it, then it should never get done.  (That sorta sounded like the opening speech of the A-Team were it written by Camus).  

So the South Asian drivers - yeah, they ain't that good - but the worst by far are the Dolphin drivers.  Allow my to portray a short vignette, a la the Bard.  Not Bard College - that's a bunch of Dykes - almost as bad as Barnard where that slut went.  I mean the Bard like Billy Shakes.  That's how I knew him when I was an Elizabethan noble.  This is like the fourth time I've time traveled in my asides, and for some reason I always end up in an elaborate era of English history.  Crap - am I a closet Anglophile?  I mean, I was an AngloPHILE if you know what I mean until she let other guys' philes into her anglo...  Shit - the short nonsensical play about nothing...  BACK TO ACTION!  

Me: Uh, yeah, 43rd between tenth and eleventh...

Dolphin Cabbie:  (falls out of cab, dies of dessication)

Me: Cool - free Crown Vic / Hybrid Escape / Honda Odyssey

Actually - I guess I sorta like dolphin cabbies.  That was a roundabout way to come to an ultimately simple conclusion.

oh.

that and happy giuliani day!

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Run In Terror! They're Learning!

You know that scene in Dawn of the Dead? The remake with that big angry black guy. Was that Ving Rhames? Too lazy to IMDB it. Yes - I'm too lazy to Ctrl+t, type "Dawn of Dead"... In any case, in Dawn of the Dead the remaining survivors, after taking refuge in the mall, decide to make a break for it via some A-Team-iscized school buses found in the mall's garage. They look like this:




Wow. That's a really unhelpful photo to get my point across. In any case, the survivors jury-rigged these buses with Armor, Lights, Rams, Gun Ports, etc. in the hopes of just brutally plowing their way through the hordes of undead assailing them. It sorta worked.

But I am preparing one of these bad boys myself as we speak. Because we're gonna need it. I'm sorta scared about this one. Really:

"In May 2005, a discovery was made in Australia which shows this cultural aspect of dolphin behaviour: Some dolphins, such as the Indo-Pacific Bottlenose Dolphin (Tursiops aduncus) teach their young to use tools. The dolphins break sponges off and cover their snouts with them thus protecting their snouts while foraging."

Um... Um... Umm....

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THEY'RE LEARNING TO USE TOOLS?

Yeah, it doesn't sound like much now but we must stop them before they learn too much. First, using sponges to protect snouts. Next, rocks to smash open crabs. The only logical step after that would be servo operated electronic exo-skeletons with a moisturizing system to ensure their health while on dry land, gunning us down mercilessly with their Heads-Up-Display targeting systems operating the 30 mm chain guns mounted to their cybernetic arms.

So as a result, I'm building an armored bus. Laugh all you want. When your skull is crushed by a 3 ton dolphin operated robotic fighting suit, the joke will be on you.

See you in Wyoming (far inland - it will take them a while to penetrate. Unless they master flight. Shit. Didn't even think about that one).