So we're all quite familiar with the requisite ethnic/geographical stereotypes that go along with certain people's driving habits. Southern Californians are on their non-hands-free cellphone to "do lunch" whilst writing their screenplay on a MacBook Air, drinking a lo-cal, no-caf, half-caf, de-caf latte. Old Asian women are in the left lane at 43 mph with the left indicator on. Connecticut drivers will inevitably make a 6 lane U-Turn in a Volvo station wagon with a Lacrosse sticker, ACK sticker, Yale Sticker, Harvard Law Sticker, Sticker with a picture of other Stickers...
Encapsulating all of the worst qualities of the above drivers and adding a dash of Jersey in the mix are of course, the Dolphins. First of all, they're so fucking smug in their hybrids or biodiesel Volkswagens with Greenpeace bumper stickers and that gay equality symbol. Frankly the preacheyness of those stickers are as equally annoying as the Jesus Fish thing or W. For President. On a side note, there are many fantastic dolphin fatalities due to that Jesus Fish thing. As chronic tailgaters, some dolphins will notice the Jesus Fish thing and think "Oooo, Dinner!" and subsequently run the driver of the Fish bearing vehicle off the road. Since the dolphins don't wear seatbelts, they're quickly ejected through the windshield in the collision. Unfortunately for us, since this trend could kill both dolphins and Bible Beaters, these occurrences are few and far between due to the dolphin's proclivity towards living near the coast and near predominantly liberal urban centers. Since the bulk of the right wing Ned Flanders Jesus Lovers are in the barren wasteland of the rest of the country between New York and San Francisco, the two groups of drivers rarely meet upon the road.
Side note - In Europe this NEVER happens. Not because the distinct lack of Jesus Fish (which is true) but due to a little known EU law banning dolphins from motor vehicle ownership. Thus a European dolphin is more likely to travel via mass transit or bicycle or something like that. There is quite a tight knit European dolphin community. So there's a horrible reason behind that: During World War II as the entire continent was in upheaval and millions upon millions of people, civilian and combatants alike, were being slaughtered, the dolphin community thrived and suffered very little casualties. The reason? Hitler loved dolphins and appointed many of them to high posts within the Nazi government. Yep. Dolphins were Nazis. If that doesn't clear it up, I don't know what will.
We gotta go after these war criminals before they again rise to power. I'm starting tomorrow by just slashing the tires of every Prius I see hoping that they're dolphin owned. PWN3D!
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