I Don't Like These People

So I found a bunch of folks out there in cyberspace who are just so freaking stupid it actually baffles the mind.  Yes.  Baffles are put in your mind due to this group's utter retardation.  Let's just read a small sampling of their rhetoric.

This brutal massacre — the largest scale dolphin kill in the world — goes on for six months of every year. Even more scandalous, members of the international dolphin display industry take advantage of the dolphin slaughter to obtain some few, show-quality dolphins for use in captive dolphin shows and dolphin swim programs.

And the problem is???  I'm sorta not really getting their point.  This is somehow a BAD thing?  BUZZ WHIRR DOES NOT COMPUTE ROBOT.

So here's the link to these pussies: http://www.savejapandolphins.org/educate.php

I mean really?  REALLY?  Just take a read of a couple more of their stances:

The fishermen say they kill the dolphins "quickly and humanely." That's an outright lie. The methods used to kill the dolphins are so savage, it's hard to believe it unless you witness it for yourself. And once you've seen it, the images and sounds of the screaming dolphins never go away. 

What's your problem?  This is perfectly OK.  Nay, replace OK with this is perfectly awesome and should be continued.  They're trying to paint this nightmarish picture of a bloodthirsty slaughter.  Fuck metaphor - I want fucking video of this shit.  I'd be sitting here with a Volcano TacoBell Taco and its liquid hot fire magma sauce, full screen that shit so I could revel in the blood, crank up the surround sound and fucking whip it out and jack off to that shit.  Dude, that would be awesome.  Getting a lil' stiffy right now just thinking about it.

Hello there, Dolphinkind.  We have guns.  We build things.  We can fucking talk for christ's sake.  Hell - we had Christ.  Who'd you have?  Captain Torah?  Captain Torah - that's the guy who founded Judaism, right?  Historical fact: Before founding Judaism, Captain Torah (first name Hannibal) was only 2nd Lieutenant Torah in the Hindu Light Brigade.  He defected to Holland and started his own academy called Anne Frank by a bizarre 5,000 year separated coincidence.  

Any of y'alls hardcore hackers out there?  If so, I implore you to crash the hell out of these ignorant fucks webbysite.  That'll show them to use the internets for evil rather than awesome.

Porn.

Great Nations of the World, Part II: Japan

The Japanese hate dolphins, thus should be worshiped. This collective nation of islands situated in the Pacific Ocean has prime waterfront real estate for the wholesale destruction and termination of the dolphin menace. Furthermore, their inherent efficiencies yield a hefty dolphin head count. I mean, they actually have floating factories that engage in a one-stop shop for all things anti-dolphin. These massive ships will catch, kill, process and freeze dolphin for use in such tasty dishes as tempura, sushi, sashimi, sake, sake bombs, jaegermeister and dolphin lager. The Japanese are so bloodthirsty in their hunt for dolphin that they'll even ram Greenpeace ships to get at their prey. The Nisshin Maru should get a medal or scholarship to an Ivy League college or something overly grandiose for their heroic efforts in squelching Greenpeace's misguided efforts to cease the dolphin hunt. Apparently the hippies, armed with semi-rigid inflatable Zodiac craft attempted to block the brave sailors, officers and factory workers of the Nisshin Maru and as a result, ended up with a shipborne scuffle against Greenpeace's fagship (omission of the "L" intentional) Arctic Sunrise. I'm assuming the massive Nisshin Maru, pictured below, triumphed over the Arctic Sunrise (pictured further below).

The Brave Nisshin Maru


The homely and cowardly Arctic Sunrise

Needless to say, I wish the Japanese the best in their never ending quest towards world dominance, against the dolphins. Because their last quest for world domination didn't really turn out that well. Except for their awesome economy. And automaking prowess. And Playstation 3. Jesus that shit is awesome. I love GTAIV. Except I wish there were more opportunities to kill squishy cetaceans.

Enemies of Humanity, Part I: Hayden Panettiere

In another ongoing series, I shall highlight people and organizations (Greenpeace, you're next) who show blind loyalty towards the evil evil dolphins. Therefore, I submit to you public enemy number one: Hayden Panettiere.



Firstly, I have a problem with anyone born after the Mets last won a World Series. Mostly because were we cuddling in bed and I said "Man... I remember when the Mets won the World Series" and she would say "I was negative 3 years old", well that would freak me out. Until I realized I was tagging an eighteen year old. I guess I'd get over that pretty quickly actually. So strike the "Mets World Series Win vis a vis birthdate" argument.

But the serious threat to humanity posed by Ms. Heroes Cheerleader is her unyielding compassion towards aquatic creatures that given the chance, will kill us all. Her protest of the annual Taiji dolphin hunt set back our cause decades. The publicity garnered by this pint sized terrorist brought negative attention to what ultimately is a fantastic cause. When will people realize that the cold-blooded dolphin has only murder upon its slightly more complex than a goldfish mind? The brave citizens of Japan and their efficient slaughtering methods are helping us immeasurably in the extermination of dolphins and Panettiere is interfering in the process.

Hayden - I know you're very young (and supple, and nubile, and flexible and.... hold on... I'll be right back).

{washes hands}

Anyway, Hayden - you are misguided in your quest. I would like to set up a meeting at Mt. Airy Lodge, preferably in the champagne flute hot tub. Or the rotating bed. I would like to have a face to face with you to show you the errors of your ways. The dolphins are not to be saved. They are to be wiped from the earth with extreme prejudice. I actually can't believe you even went in the water with that surfboard - don't you know they're homicidal and thirst for human blood? The board won't protect you. They use tools now. So, Lizzie Spaulding - next time you're in New York, come by and see me and I will give you an extensive presentation on why dolphins are nasty beasts and then for a conclusion, we'll act like nasty beasts. Somewhere in the Poconos. We'll take my SUV. Because hybrids save the whales.

Revelations of 1992

Ah the halcyon days of yore - the Early 1990s. Animatronic turtle movies were the sole propaganda mouthpiece of the US government. War raged in Iraq. I felt new strange feelings in places I hadn't before. And awesome of awesome - I had a Sega Genesis.

Playing Genesis was like seeing God for the first time, if God were a werewolf that when you double tapped forward God would blur and sort of bust through enemies. I also enjoyed Sonic the Hedgehog and even better, Sonic 2. Wasn't Tails just the cutest lil' pixelated creature you ever done seen?

But far and away my favorite game was Ecco the Dolphin. Basically, I'd turn on the console, let the game load up and start a new game. It was so much fun, taking Ecco to the bottom of the ocean on the very first level and watching his air supply bar dwindle to nothing. Then he'd die. Oh how I would spend countless afternoons just sinking the electronic dolphin* to the bottom of the sea, killing him and then resetting the game and starting anew. Over and over and over again. What Joy, Thou Genesis! Truly, what Joy!





*On a related note, henceforth masturbation or any sexual act for that matter will be referred to, in perpetuity, as "sinking the electronic dolphin". I got a magazine under my bed that I think I'm going to aid my sinking the electronic dolphin right now....

Destroy: Delphinidae and Platanistoidea

Welcome like minded friends. This forum is a place to gather for all of those who see the real threat to the world. It is not geo-political instability, nor rising fuel costs. Holy Wars, inflation and global warming (which is awesome by the way. Commuting by canoe? Hello?) pale in comparison to this threat. Second only to drivers of hybrid cars, the disaster looming for mankind is... wait for it... wait for it... Dolphins. These horrible, horrible, terrible creatures will kill us all - if we give them the chance. I ask - no - implore you to strike now. Yes, they evolved 10 million years ago. Yes, they do cute tricks. Yes, they get confused by our Navy's awesome sonar. Oh! That's a solution. More sonar. Thank you Lewis Richardson (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonar).
Anyway. Kill dolphins. At any cost. More on this later.